Thursday, 17 July 2014

Conversations With One: Help! My Man's BFF is a 'She'!

This is a new series on 1 + The One and I am very excited about it! It started randomly (many new things often do lol)..

I had been exploring a 'He Said / She Said' series and been thinking of the technicalities. Basically, it's obvious that men and women think DIFFERENTLY! You didn't know? What planet did you escape from?! lol..

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! 

Well, look no further! Each week, my wonderful friends and I (have I ever told how simply amazing my friends are?! I am truly blessed!) will bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. Sometimes, we will agree, but be sure that we would also disagree! We would kick-off the discussion and we welcome your contributions and comments.

Is there anything (anything at all!) you have always wanted to ask or just simply want to discuss? Please, send me an email at! We would be happy to start-off the discussion.

You can have a look at last week's conversation where we discussed Men and Communication

Today, we discuss a dilemma from a reader, which quite frankly I have heard many people ask! I even did a post on it some time back HERE... Here goes - 

"My fiance is BFFs (best friends forever) with a girl who happens to be an ex - well, not strictly an ex but they almost dated but couldn't. He has assured me that there's nothing between them and they have been family friends for a long time so they are 'cool like that'. Of course I am not 'cool like that' about it but me getting upset ends up looking like I am the 'evil jealous girl' lol and it actually causes issues between us sometimes. Truth is I trust him but I don't trust the friendship! So here's the question *drum roll*
1) Should a guy be close/best friends with another girl even though he is in a relationship or married 
2) Should he even still be in contact with her?!"

Mr JohnNashSo this is what I think and this is my opinion. I am actually talking from experience.

OneAlright, let's go there! lol

Mr JohnNashThere was an amazing girl I used to like, despite the fact that we did not date, we liked each other very much. This really affected the relationships I went into. The girls I have dated will testify.

1) Should a guy be close/best friends with another girl even though he is in a relationship or married?

Answer: No he shouldn't.

i. Every woman likes to feel special and feel appreciated. Every woman enjoys the thought that she is her husbands all in all and every other person or thing is secondary, even her children!!! 

OneAmen to that!! :-D

Mr JohnNashGrowing up in my house, we knew our dad loved us to bits but we also knew his wife was number 1 on his list. Lol...

The idea of a best friend in the first place will create tension. I have a very close friend. We have been friends for almost two decades. Our friendship is like blood. Every now and then his wife will tease me and call me her rival. Recently, she uploaded a picture of me on BB and added the status message: "My rival" Lol. I understand her view point so I give my friend space every now and then. Pause for a second, this is a situation where her husband's BFF is a guy. Imagine how she would feel if his BFF was a girl? Not too good I assure you!

OneLol @ "My Rival".. Ladies can pass some serious subliminal messages though haha. That's coded for, "My friend, mind yourself"

Mr JohnNashLol. Secondly, you never really stop liking the people you like. It's situations and circumstances that change - marriage, relocation, maturity. Hence making a girl you nearly dated in the past your best friend is not healthy for your marriage or marriage to be. It makes a lot of sense to withdraw and give your fiancée or wife some respect. Emotions usually linger, so it's best to stay away as much as you can.

iii. Finally the Bible says in Matthew 19:5:
"And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they two shall be one flesh?"

Now if the bible commands that a man should leave his father and mother who gave birth to him and nurtured him for years, I am guessing the man automatically must leave his family friends, ex girl friends or almost girl friends lol. Trust me no woman likes to share her man. 

OneThank you! I love the real-ness of your response and bringing a personal perspective to it.. Me, I disagree absolutely with female BFFs, then to make it an ex! Lai lai.. lol.. The fact that he must have had some degree of deep emotions for her is already a vulnerable point. Why play with fire? There are many men out there who make great friends #JustSaying 

Nubian PrincessI used to operate a double standard! As the only girl in my class, I had a number of male friends, particularly, two I'm really close to. The friendship lasted through various girlfriends and now one of them is married! I also used to take offence if their SO's (Significant other) objected to our friendship! There was never any romantic interest though just a very strong friendship! On the flip side, if my significant other had a female BFF, IT WILL NOT GO DOWN WELL WITH ME AT ALL!!! 

Seriously though, it can be a bit dangerous and as I've grown older (and hopefully wiser), I've come to realise that sometimes, there is a tendency to get comfort from your BFF especially when you're having issues with your SO. You may be tempted to share stuff with them that should really be shared with your spouse... From there... #Fire #UnnecesaryIntimacy #DownwardSpiral #EmotionalAffair?

OneLool.. I can definitely understand your point! I am very guilty of the double standards too! 
So, how about the 2nd question, should he still be in contact with her?

Mr JohnNash
Answer: Yes he can but sparingly.
A text once in a while. On her birthday, at Christmas etc.

One's School of Thought - hehehe.. iKid
The reason I think so is this. No man is an island. You need people to help you achieve destiny. Some of the greatest breakthroughs I have received in life have come from people I used to be very close to. Yes, you are married but your wife might not be the only person who will propagate you to destiny. There might be a few others. An old friend might be one of them so could an ex or almost ex lol.
Finally my grand father used to tell me something when I was young, he's late now. He would say: "Nash, never ever close a door, you might need to open it again." 


And with those wise words, we end today's convo.. So what's your take? We would like to hear from you! Is it alright for a guy to have a female BFF even though he is in a relationship or married? Also, what would be your reaction or response to it?

Join us again next week for more Convos with One! If you would like to ask a question please send your email to xx

PS - *Milestone alert* this is the 100th Post on 1 + The One in 2014 - Thank God! 
Dedicated to SisiYemmie and Bobo who (finally!) begin the journey to marital life today!! Here's praying that you have a really blessed marriage and that your home would always be full of love and joy #YemYom14 #PermanentSite #SisiBobo #Surulere


  1. Congrats on your 100th post. More power to you.

  2. Okaay! This is really close to home because I have a male BFF I think that its fine for your BFF to be the opposite sex afterall your wife/husband should be your BFF *side eyes*


    On a more serious note, I wouldn't mind my SO to have a female best friend as long as they are people of integrity (which I know he will be) because, I know the kind of friendship I have with the BFF, I know its possible.

    the point is knowing your place and having an understanding with the said friend.

  3. @Anonymous, Amen! Thanks a lot xx
    @Tommie, Lol... hahaha@ your wife/husband being of the opposite sex..
    Hmm, that's a very good point.. Is your BFF in a relationship? Do you think his girlfriend minds/would mind? I definitely see your point, integrity and trust is key (2 very important ingredients in relationships!)
    Thanks for contributing to the discussion! xx

  4. Wow, wow, wow! To say the truth, I operate the double standard too. In fact I still have a friend I'm quite close with though he is married. But I got to know his wife and I'm building a relationship with her too. We are fast becoming friends. This is because I don't wanna leave any room for emotions, feelings and thoughts to get the best of us and I wanna be closer with her than I am with him,so we can still be friends without causing trouble for each other. But like you all have said, it is very dangerous to remain BFFs with a guy after he gets in a relationship or gets married. His SO will definitely feel safer when she knows she isn't share him with another lady even if there is nothing going on between them.

    By the way, why leave room for the devil to manipulate and put you in trouble. That been said, I don't advice you should have the opposite as BFF after marriage or in a relationship. Worse of all is even when she/he is an Ex. Big NO, No, No!

  5. Congratulations on your 100th post. I'm loving this new item "Convos with one" Just want to say that some people naturally have insecurity problem. So whether the person their partner is bff to is a friend, colleague or relation does not really matter.

  6. Sigh. I usually make my self scarce when a "bff" gets into a relationship (particularly when my name comes up in arguments #TrueStory) but i've been accused of abandoning friendships. Like major fights. #Catch22 I mean, i'm just trying to respect you, your SO & your relationship so what's the problem? I'm there if you need me but it's a dicey situation so I stay away because I will not be comfy if the tables were turned.

  7. I think it's all about balance. I actually don't really have THE ONE AND ONLY BFF (whether male or female). I have a lot of great friends that I like to connect with, but I don't see or talk to them like every single day. They all have different aspects that I like, some are great to watch football with, others are good library buddies, others are amazing prayer partners etc. Some people might accuse me of not being committed enough, but I think by focussing on only one I strip myself of the richness of having many different friends who can speak into my life. I refuse to make a list of Very Best Friends, BFFs, normal friends etc.

    So when it comes to females, I also don't text, call or visit every day because I know that this can create problems, even if it doesn't for me. If a girl is in a relationship, I usually connect with her boyfriend / husband, it is safer that way and you also get to know his perspective. I feel I am less likely to be a "gf-snatcher" lol if her boyfriend is a good friend of mine and if I like and understand him.

  8. Here's something I've come to realize as I've gotten older... when you get into a very serious relationship, engagement or marriage, slowly your relationship with your BFF of the opposite sex will begin to change. And I think this just mostly has to do with time. In normal cases, you're now fully committed to your significant other and will increasingly spend more and more time with them, leaving you with less time to hang out with or talk to your BFF. I think it's a natural progression. I'm not saying you completely forget or abandon your friend but your fiance or spouse will take up that space you formerly had for someone else. Please note that I said NORMAL cases.

    In other cases you might have to intentionally tell your friend that you cannot spend as much time talking to or seeing them anymore.

    That being said, ain't nobody remaining BFF's with an ex while being married to me! Fashi o. If I've sacrificed my time with male friends for you, you SHALL do the same for me. I'm not saying NEVER speak to them again, but do it wisely. You may have broken up but it's easier to stir up memories and old feelings. You know yourself so figure out what works best for you, and take care not to hurt your spouse.


  9. Hmmmm, interesting topic. More like my story it got so bad that I said my close frnd who's male will be my 'maid of honour'. Silly right? But I've lots of male frnds wit few female friends but I had to literally tell myself I can't continue the closeness when I get married/relationship especialy in confiding in me when I'm going thru stuff. For every time he gives me an advise I start to see him as the perfect man with all of life’s issues figured out. Bottom line, hav an older couple/lady I can talk to but keep my hubby/fiance as BFF.

  10. I want to quickly respond before going back to read other people's responses so that their take on this does not seep into my answer, lol.

    For me, having an opposite gender bff, is an absolute no, no. For one, it is not fair on your spouse, and you are asking for trouble in the long run. It is okay to have an opposite gender bff if you are not yet married, nor in a serious relationship, but once you become married or engaged, it is advisable to develop your bff relationship with your own spouse. The closer you get to someone, the tighter the bond of friendship becomes, so it makes sense that this bonding, which deepens as time goes on, should be happening between you and your husband/wife, not an external person. Even if you had an opposite gender bff before marriage or engagement, once you are spoken for, the relationship dynamics just has to change, if you are to build a bond with your spouse or spouse -to -be that will see you in the relationship for the long haul.
    I don't think any normal woman would be comfortable with seeing her man constantly exchanging confidences with another woman, even if the relationship is not sexual, and vice versa. Personally, I'd be wary of another woman who wants to be best friends with my husband and I'm not carried along. If it must be, then let's all bff together, lol.

    On a serious and final note, I've found in my close to 12years of marriage that it is much safer to develop and deepen my friendship with my husband such that we become each other's bff and it is working because we enjoy our own company. That is the primary relationship- every other one is secondary.
    This is an interesting topic- will now read what others have to say. When it comes to relationships of any kind, it's better to be safe than sorry and tread with caution because emotions are involved as well. Even if opposite gender bffs is no big deal to you, it's a good tip to consider your partner's feelings because he or she may not be comfortable with the arrangement. This is my take.

  11. My S.O should definitely be BFF's with whoever he wants to be bffs with.
    So long as my place in his heart is secure afterall I am not going to be his baby sister and if he wants to do wrong how do I stop him? He's a grown man.
    I trust him and I believe and trust that he would be wise enough to close doors that would cause him to displease God.

    So long as he puts God first, all the other relationships in his life will fall in line. Mine, his bffs, his family et al

    I intend to be bffs with whoever I choose to be. If a male bff made a pass at me, that would destroy the trust I put in his honor as a man of integrity and the friendship would end anyways so my principles protect moi.

    I grew up with a personal code, my friends and I, we don't date each others ex and things like that, most are not guided by any such code, it is a free for all and so they continue to live insecure.

    God help us all sha.

    Good post, really.

  12. Happy Anniversary Sis!!...*Hugs*

    This issue is complicated on a couple of levels....
    1-Once upon a time, they liked each other: Yes, they didn’t date but they both wanted to, life ( or whatever) got in the way. That muddies the water for anybody trying to come into the relationship. I

    2- She trusts the guy but not the relationship: For the life of me I can’t figure out what this statement means but it seems there must be somethings the girl is seeing btw her man and his friend that makes her uncomfortable.... Homeboy might need to re-assess his friendship.

    lol... now unto the question “Can opposite genders be bff???”

    In a perfect world, absolutely yes. I grew up a tomboy and solely had male friends but as I got older, its almost impossible not to have the waters muddied. My best friend till the day I walked down the aisle was a guy but when I got married he had to reluctantly "let go" of his position in my heart to make way for the hubster.

    Its just easier...

  13. Funny enough, I don't think this is a tricky situation. In my opinion, this is called "playing with fire". He is married now and his wife should take priority over his BFF - especially since it's a BFF of the opposite sex he once had feelings for!

    Since his wife isn't comfortable, then the nature of his relationship with his BFF must change. This doesn't mean he should be rude and sharply cut off his friendship. But, it does mean that he needs to honestly inform his BFF that he is a married man now and for the honor and safety of his marriage, they can no longer continue spending time or sharing texts or doing whatever else they do at a level that makes his wife unhappy.

  14. Well, when it comes to most issues in life, it is highly probable that there would be more than one perspective. Some issues may be two sided or three sided. ie. Pro Abortion or Anti Abortion or neutral.

    This BFF matter is not different. Some women would have a problem with it, and others will not.

    It simply boils down to the people involved, and I respect the mention of integrity and principles in most of the commentaries I have read so far.

    As for me, I don't see any big deal in it (for now, that may change; although I think it is unlikely to though).

    Personally, my own principles are guided by the Holy Bible whenever I get faced with any practical day to day question, the first thing I do is to take a mental stroll into Scriptures and find the answers. On this subject, imagine Jesus' relationship with Mary and Martha scrutinised by the opposite sex boundary... Just a thought. I'm not making a doctrine out of it.

  15. Why play with fire? There is no such thing as "innocent bffs" please. Cleave to you partner like glue. Leave the bffs thing for singles to do.

    Logically there's nothing wrong with staying bffs with folks of the opposite sex. But emotional and eventually sexual affairs aren't logical. Let's not give the devil an inch because he'll take a mile!

    Girl, if I start writing about relationships, eh, I will sell book. My life was a drama script but thank God for Jesus

  16. Let me pick on that Jesus-Mary/Martha relationship point. The topic under discuss here is not whether men and women should be friends but we are discussing about having an opposite gender bff as a married person or one in a serious relationship so that example does not apply. To reiterate what I said, if you had an opposite gender bff, once you get married, the dynamics of the relationship has to change. Some take conscious steps to effect these changes, while others discover that in the course of bonding. With their life partner, it naturally would affect every other close relationship. So, the point here is not that you shouldn't be friends with the opposite gender, but your closest relationship/bond, should be your own spouse. He or she should be your bff, if the relationship isn't dysfunctional.

  17. Once I saw "a girl who happens to be an ex" - I stopped reading.


  18. One thing that captivated me is what MrJohnNash said "you never really stop liking the people you like", really? Is that true? Hmmn, I never really thought about that.

    Now to the post, I definitely don't think he should be having a lady as his best friend and vice versa. I once asked a question on my blog about whether guys and girls can just be friends? By this, I mean close friends. I believe the answer to this is no, IMO.

    What makes this case even peculiar is that they almost dated, so the attraction is there. This is just a case of playing with fire. I'm sure both the guy and BFF don't mean any harm or have any evil intentions, but 'one thing may lead to another' eventually.

    Nubian Princess also mentioned something about emotional affair, that's so true. They may just end up having that without even realising it.

  19. I want to say it should not be a big deal, the key word being should. But should is usually not reality we have to deal with.

    Personally, I think your spouse should be your BFF. #justsaying

  20. I still think there is no one answer to this. When it comes to human relationships, you just cannot have one answer that works for everybody.

    Mr John Nash for example uses his experience, which may be completely different were it a different girlfriend or if it were someone else. As good as that experience may be, it cannot become principle for everybody else.

    For example, there are women who do not have female friends because they take the view that women are drama. Some are married to men who understand their wives, and they flow and some are married to men who just do not get it. Now however one decides to insist on their belief, we have to respect the possibility of divergent views.

    One husband may be overly possessive, ever-suspicious, jealous and obsessed, or even insecure, and another might be at the complete end of the spectrum and not even caring. The experiences of the women married to these very different men cannot be the same. As a result, advising them in solving their frustrations would require two different model action points.

    Using Jesus/Mary/Martha reference is not to say that it is totally the same with the topic in hand. The point or intent is to remind us that, relationships at very close proximity with the opposite sex can exist without sexual ties.

    Self control is one virtue that works irregularly. You do not have the same for every man or every woman. So my point is. You cannot make a doctrine out of the matter, one can only simply agree on what would work in their own relationship, and by all means your spouse should respect your jealousy level, if I may call it that.

  21. Thank you all for your comments.. I have laughed, learnt and absolutely enjoyed reading the discussion and different views..
    I am glad that the discussion has given me some serious food for thought and also given me the opportunity to explore some things I never thought as 'important'..
    I still think it's dangerous waters (haha) and for me, I had say no!
    Is it possible for a guy and a girl to just be friends - yes, sometimes it is.. I have male friends who are just that - friends! However, I think we owe it to our SO to be responsible to them. It's no longer what YOU think that matters alone, you have to put their concerns and thoughts into consideration (even if it doesn't make sense to you at the time). If being friends with someone is upsetting your relationship/marriage, why continue? You owe your SO a greater loyalty than your friend. If you don't think so then #WahalaDey oh. lol
    Ok, I have written an epistle lol.

    Thanks a lot for your joining the discussion! xxxxx

  22. Yaayy! I love this topic, why I can't really say!
    I once read another blog post on this topic from a male perspective and one thing he said was that contrary to popular belief, a guy never starts a friendship with a girl on a purely platonic level, that there is always always an initial attraction. Over time circumstances confine/define the friendship.
    I had never thought about it like that but when I looked at the close male friendships in my life, I had to agree. Now combine that with Mr Nash's line "you never really stop liking the people you like" (which made me stop and think hard btw) and you see that maintaining a BFF relationship with the opposite gender whilst there is an SO is just dangerous territory IMO. As Christians, we're not just fleeing from evil but also from all APPEARANCES of evil.
    I have had to let go and step back on a friendship with a guy as soon as an SO came into the picture for him, knowing that 1) I wouldn't want to be the source of insecurity in her relationship for the other girl 2) I wouldn't like my SO to be close to another girl, especially when I'm not friends with her. And 3)I knew it was a must when randoms started walking up to the three of us and for reasons unbeknownst to me, would assume I was his GF and treat me as such, in her very presence! On one of such occasions, the look she gave. Mehn! I'm not about that life!! Sorry. lol

    I subscribe to the school of thought that you need to work on making your SO your BFF. That doesn't stop you from having other casual friends (same or opposite sex) and if you have an opposite gender BFF prior to the commencement of your SO relationship, like already stated the dynamics of your relationship will/should change. And alongside that, both the BFF and SO should forge a relationship and become friends whilst both respect the role of the other.

  23. I am totally anti the idea of my hubby being bffs with another lady! I sorry but it is not given to man to know the heart of another person. I can trust my man but there is no way in heaven that I will trust the other chic. It is a no/no for me.

    Half the time even if the intention is not there lil seeds will start being planted in the hearts of the parties. It would even be more awkward where my hubby starts discussing me with his BFF. Imagine having a nasty quarrel with my hubby and he goes to seek advice from his BFF... She will most likely act like the most understanding lady ever liveth. If this goes on, it is only a matter of time before he starts comparing and soon... VOILA!

    Abeggiiiiiii please it ain't gonna work for me! Sorry!!! Lol (puppy face)... xxx

  24. My male bestfriend who I call my brother from another mother is married. We have been friends for about 15 years, so I've been around for various girlfriends (including my female bestie at one time) and eventually the wife. What stood me in good stead all through the years with these ladies was that I was able to strike that balance of not being a threat to the GFs and now his wife. I find that when you begin to do things to the exclusion of the wife; crack inside jokes etc is when the SO starts to feel uncomfortable. I have always gone out of my way to include the SO in the friendship and even cultivate a standalone friendship with the SO and be as open and honest as possible. To add to what Toin said, I also believe you must cleave to your wife and in no wise would I make myself available for you not to do that effectively. I am very concious of the fact that our friendship takes a back seat to your marriage. This has worked so far and we are 15 years and going strong now.

  25. In those days, Pastor Bimbo used to tell us that we can be best friends with a man without being best friends with the wife and vice versa. In other word, if your BFF of opposite sex starts a serious relationship, and you still want to maintain the friendship, it is your duty to strike an equally good friendship with his partner.


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