Thursday 16 October 2014

Conversations with One: PDA, to be or not to be?

Hiya! It's another edition of Conversations with One! *cue music*

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we had a very interesting discussion on the importance of your significant other/partner getting along with your family. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

Ok, unto this week's conversation:

"Closed or Public Relationship: Is it better to keep your relationship a secret or would you rather go public with it?"

Now this question was inspired by some tweets by the popular Publisher of Genevieve Magazine in,Nigeria, Mrs Betty Irabor who said that celebrities should stop living out their relationships on social media as it contributes to problems in the relationship!

Do you think it is wiser to be more covert about your relationship or is it alright to shout it from the rooftop aka PDA (Public Display of Affection)? So putting 'In a relationship' on Facebook, putting up pictures on social media, tweeting about it, BBM display picture etc.. Or should one keep quiet about it until probably 'I Do' or never?


Ms MIA: Hmmmm! I had to consult with Mr SO himself (wink*) and in his words "If you love someone, it will come out somehow. You will speak about it and you will flaunt it especially if you're sure you're with the right person".....yayyyy!

I absolutely agree with him that love is obvious and it's expressive. Matter of fact, it shows in our countenance when we're in love how much more your attitude (including expressions).
I have no problems at all updating your status on FB or changing DPs and Status messages to show the SO, it's our way of showing appreciation for what we have and love.
I'm also not against writing to and about the SO now and again publicly.

However, I'm not over expressive to publicly display affection all the time. I still love a little bit of privacy (that's my own personality).
Celebrities might suffer much from PDAs because some are too quick to hop into relationships and mostly because they seem to date and marry very fast!

Flash in a pan
One: SO consultation tinz! Lol. Niceee. I feel like we're getting 2 for the price of 1 here. Loveeeet!!

I agree with you that when you're happy in love, proud of the person and sure, you want to be expressive about it. You can't hide love. Now the question is - are we ever sure until we say 'I do'?

Nubian Princess: I took a leaf out of my darling MIA's book and had a convo with the S.O... The points raised came about after our discussion... 
 1. A relationship is between two people and the choice to be public or private should be discussed between them and a 'privacy setting' agreed, based on personalities. However, whatever the privacy setting, if you truly love your SO, he/she will feature in your conversations.

2. A problem with 'streaming every kiss online' sometimes leads to one couple benchmarking their union against another. "Ify's boo gave her flowers. I saw it on instagram! Yet you haven't even given me an ordinary card.." Wahala enters. But maybe maturity levels of the people in the relationship also come into play here.

                                           Pic Source                                           
3. What is the relationship? Sometimes, if it's new or if either or both parties are unsure of each other, then limited sharing with the world makes sense no matter how much affection there is. However, if there is security and if there is integrity and validation, then it's easy to share, no matter how 'new' the relationship is.

4. If you work together... DISCRETION IS KEY!!! Especially if the relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason. One needs to be VERY, VERY careful about how you handle office romance!

Shhh.. Office romance in progress
Pic Source
And in conclusion... Privacy and Discretion are two different things! Discretion is always advised... Not everything Darling Boo Dearest says or does should be announced to the world, but at the same time, you can show whatever public display of affection makes you both comfortable.

Mr NumeroUno: I echo Nubian Princess.

One: Yes, yes. Interestingly, we often hear this complaint "he never even put my picture up or write on my wall!". Now that may sound petty but people of God when you really dig someone, it's very difficult to not talk about them or like Nubian said 'slip into conversations'.
No pictures?! Don't you attend events together? Is he/she the 'world's best kept secret'. Yet the said person will be 'liking' pictures of other couples oh! Lol

Would this help per'aps? :-D
Ms PYT: I totally agree with the earlier comments. It's hard to keep quiet when you are truly in love and there's nothing wrong in displaying this on social media but with wisdom.
You don't want to also fall into the category of women who hide their relationships and find out later that their man is either married or has a girl friend. I have a very close friend who was dating this guy and they both agreed to keep it out of the public eye but unfortunately, the guy had been married for several years without a child but my friend only found out when things had become really serious between them! This story ended badly...

One: If your SO is not talking about you, please be very worried. That's my thought. All these "let's not say because people are wicked" = lie from the pit of hell lol

Ms Hope: I feel it is impossible to cover love. Love cannot be as a covert operation because love in its very nature is expressive.
If you have a guy/girl that says 'let's keep this secret', alarm bells should blare as the other might have serious debris to hide. ‎
However, degree of PDA varies from couple to couple, orientation, exposure, beliefs etc.

One: Secret relationships are never a good idea.. Like you said, love in its nature is expressive.
Ok, where are the men please? Too much oesstrogen in the atmosphere.. Is it the same for you? Do you think PDA or the lack of it is a problem? Personally, would you mind if your wife or SO never mentions you in public or talks about you?

Mr JohnNash: I think every relationship has its set of challenges, the more public it is, the more opinions on the relationship, the more the challenges, the more the headache. That's why I admire girls who are private.

So maybe the reverse word is not secret. I would rather keep my relationship private. Less opinion, less comparisons, more focus on the other party.

Not! lol
One: I think I will save my response for others to comment..

What do you think? Would you prefer an open/expressive or (very) private relationship?

Let's talk..


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  1. @The one, its better to keep your private life 'private'..... that's a part of you that must be guarded jealously. thats all...

    1. Very true... There are areas that need to be strictly private but sometimes, private can be too much.. Once in a while, talk about them :-)

  2. (Saintrhymes)
    Sin feels safe in a Christian relationship shouldn't be a secret affair.
    When you love someone it would show on ur dp, fb, wallpaper etc.
    And at times this can even protect you or ward off some

    However, let everything be done moderately and at the write time.
    A new relationship shouldn't be exposed to the general public except your confidants
    ....uhm...Wisdom is the key!

    1. Hiya SaintRhymes! Always great to have you here.
      Thank you! I don't know how you can love someone and hide it.. It even tells on your face lol

  3. *right time I mean

  4. Ok, I love the conversation topics you keep picking, Ayo! Interesting stuff.

    In my opinion, there is cause for alarm when you are in a relationship with someone who keeps you a full-on SECRET - especially if the person is super active on social media yet there is no trace of your existence in their life. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, I do expect that you'd make it known that you're TAKEN.

    With that being said, I think some of us have gone entirely too far o! We do not need the pictures of every kiss, every place you visit, or every bedroom selfie - my goodness, it is enough lol. It seems like more of an insecurity issue than a love issue when one feels the need to keep discussing or posting pictures of their significant other on social media.

    Now a great example of someone who I believe clearly made it obvious he's in a relationship yet does not find it necessary to post 100 selfies with his wife a day is Denzel Washington. He and his wife Pauletta are not ones for extra PDA but when you see them together you can tell that he loves her, is proud of her, and in certain interviews he has plainly stated that he credits her for a lot in his life. Now they've been married for 30 years - I definitely believe a great factor in keeping the longevity of their union is that they've been protective of it (discreet with the information they share about one another) and they don't "spray-paint" their relationship on social media. Just my opinion o! :)

    1. *hi5* Ada! Spot on.. I totally agree with your comment :-)
      I like the Denzel analogy.. I was thinking about it this morning and to be honest, I would want a (high) measure of discretion/privacy in my relationship, however, there are times you may want to publicly express what they mean to you. Sometimes, it's not planned, it's just a spill over from a very full love tank :-)

  5. i agree with ada. totally. I like PDA sha but not too much. moderation is key

  6. Love cannot be hidden, so people will eventually know. It shouts itself out. But some people derive their identity from posting their boos pic all over, letting the world know that 'me sef' i dey there. They are in love with the idea of being in a relationship, and not the guy/girl.

    After all said I love PDA, but not the social media kind.

    1. Lol @derive their identity from posting their boos pics all over.. Very true.. It becomes a cringe-fest.

      So do you like holding hands, doe-eyes etc etc?

  7. I think there is a difference between secrecy and privacy. It is safe to say that everything should be done moderately. Personally I'm all for privacy I wouldn't want to put my relationship fully on social media, subtle sharing of photos or posts is okay, somethings are better left between the couple involved.
    Ada the Denzel Washington example you gave is really good.

    1. I get what you mean.. I agree with you secrecy and privacy are 2 different things..
      When the person is trying to ensure secrecy as much as possible then there's a problem lol..
      But it could be private.. So private but not secret..

  8. Ma dont u think u need to start a tv show with ONE convo and waiting and loving it. U cnt try cool tv...hehe and i will be your manager o, thou shall not forget tosyne. I think everything should be done in moderation.

    1. Amen to that!!
      Let's see what God has in store *wink*

      Thank you very much dear.. God bless you xx

  9. I will change that status when I am married
    Not one second before
    Keep it low key but get the people in the movie involved
    Mothers, Fathers, Brothers, Sisters, Pastors, Best Friends, Chief Brides maid and grooms man. Everyone else will find out when they get an invitation card

    The key is a lasting marriage, you don't need a crowd for that.

    1. Hahaha! I get what you mean.. I probably wouldn't do ín a relationship' but might do Engaged..

  10. Great insights!
    I plan to be moderately discreet in my 'next and last' relationship because I wasn't in my 'first and recently' ended one and I paid dearly for it. His name was my status on BBM and if it's not someone's bday or the love-burst feeling day for my siblings, mom and a few of the inner caucus, then he is ALWAYS my dp+ I can fit to drop lyrical lines here and there *lol* i'm a romantic, I know! He did the same too anyways. But when it ended, and I had to change my status etc omg! The whole world called, pinged etc cos they all knew without being told and it wasn't a nice feeling at all. I even had to shut myself off social media for a while to let things calm down a lil.
    So when He comes, i'm so gonna zip up appropriately until we are engaged and fully committed before I jump to the rooftops to... *lol


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