Thursday, 26 March 2015

Conversations with One: Abstinence? That's HER Problem!

*Phew* It seems like it's been ages since we last had a proper conversation! :-D

How are you lovely people? Thanks to all those who asked after the panel.. They are great! albeit a bit swamped lol.. But it does feel great to be back!

Do you know, we have been having this particular conversation for the past 3weeks! lol.. I believe it is worth the time.. Remember, we only just kick-started the discussion and we have not by any means covered every aspect therefore we welcome you joining us via the comment section! Please feel free to express yourself.. Deal?

If it's your first time here, you are most welcome!! You can read the introduction to the series HERE and also read previous convos HERE.

This week's topic goes thus:

Many times, when we talk about pre-marital sex and chastity, a lot of emphasis is placed on the importance for young ladies. However, we know as Christians that the rule applies to both male and female. Some people have said that it is more difficult for men to abstain.. What do you think, true or false? Also, why do you think so? Finally what ways can a man help himself to remain celibate until marriage..

Ok, without further ado, let's proceed..... xx


Ms PYT: Hello all, guys should be able to do justice to this topic.
A lot of emphasis is placed on young girls about pre-marital sex because they bear the brunt of it. There's a saying in Yoruba "Ti idi ba baje to ni idi lo mada" literally, it means - if the buttocks get spoilt, it's the problem of the owner.
Spiritually,the rule applies to both male and female. Anyone who wants to honour God will abstain from pre-marital sex but as we all know, body no be firewood. There are practical things one can do to make it possible.

Image result for body no be firewood
..But body can be put under submission.. Yes? :-)
MissMe: I agree with Ms PYT, the same "rules" apply to both men and women. Even outside Christianity there is still that bias against women when it comes to sexual relations. There are so many terms for women who sleep around (prostitute, whore etc) but men are just seen as players. More importantly God does not play gender when it comes to premarital sex. It'd do us a lot of good if equal emphasis is placed on both genders to abstain as God requires us to. All of our bodies are holy temples and we should keep it that way!

Ms Angel: I don't have much to say, as a lot has been said already. But I do agree that there isn't as much pressure on men to save their virginity till marriage. In many parts of the world, I believe it's because there's a link between losing virginity and reaching manhood. Socially, guys may be perceived to be weak, or not yet on a level of 'ultimate maturity' if they abstain.

Miss PYT was spot on, as men can, in practise, find it easier to run away from unplanned pregnancies but women don't have that luxury of foregoing the consequences (even if they get an abortion, it can still haunt them). 

Image result for pregnant woman chasing man
When the tides turn...
Well, the Bible does say that we are in the world and not of it. And I've heard a few experiences from male Christians who didn't really hear from home what it means to be "a man", so they learnt from others and society instead.
And I believe so much in the family unit, (physical and spiritual) as it can make such a powerful impact in raising godly generations.
So I would encourage men and fathers in Christ to continue to teach the next generation the bold truth about it... That it pays to be sometimes 'socially different', but still on route in the faith.

Mr NumeroUno: There is no other way to put it, call it whatever you like, it is known as fornication, and it is a high risk too expensive to afford. (Male or female)

One: .. And Mr NumeroUno goes in hard, no mincing words! Go ahead please..

Mr NumeroUno: Okay, so I recognize it as what it is, but how do I practically help myself?

1. RENEW YOUR MIND through the Word of God. DAILY!!! .

2. What do you watch? and what do you listen to? If you see what you shouldn't see, remove your eyes, and look in another direction. I had this cousin, who would even begin to speak in tongues right there and then (lol) He doesn't care. Check the gateway, guard your heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life.

3. Fruit of the Holy Spirit. For those who say, marry so you don't sin. Na lie o! More than checking the sinful lust of adultery, God expects you to have self control, and to yield not to temptation, for yielding is sin. Flee youthful lost, run away from sin. 

Image result for run away from sin
Run, Run, Run! Now is the time to RUN!!
Because, if a man's wife dies?
Will he begin to sleep around and expect God to understand?
Even if he will remarry, will you remarry in the next three weeks?
or Will you hold yourself?
If a man's wife is incapacitated in the hospital for a season? What do you do? Cheat on her? SELF CONTROL

This is learnt first as a Youth, as a single, and also exercised from time to time even within the marriage bed. That is why fasting and prayer for couples is also important. Because like other physical exercises, practise makes perfect. When you have learnt the art of restraint even in the time of abundance, you will then be able to exercise it, in the time of lack. 

One: This is so true! It is important to practise self-control, because many times in life, you may not have control of the situation or circumstance.. What do you do then?

Mr NumeroUno: Yes indeed! Just a few more tips to help... COMPANY. Watch who you walk with. The companion of fools shall be destroyed. If you are surrounded by fire, you will be hot. If you stay close to the refrigerator you will be cold. 
Finally, ask the Saviour to help you, and admit you cannot help yourself, and he will see you through. Anybody that thinks he stands or is infallible should just know that, in the end, it is only the grace and help of God, that makes it achievable. 

Image result for man prayer
Very importantly, ask Jesus for grace.. It's possible, and you don't have to do it alone
Mr Motivation: I am not sure that I totally agree with the notion that it is harder for men to abstain from sex. My reason being that, where one has engaged in any sexually intimate act, I feel it may be hard for such a person to resist subsequent opportunities given the pleasure obtained prior and this difficulty in resisting also applies to the female gender as well. So I believe that the ability to abstain is anchored solely on self control and discipline; which can be expounded in different dimensions such as
1. Asking for the Grace of God
2. Commitment of both the male and the female on the subject of celibacy.
3. Having an accountability partner, someone who both parties revere, preferably mentors or a spiritual head.
4. Setting of boundaries as to curfews, limit or extent to which both can cuddle (lol) because "it is from clapping that one starts dancing" etc.
5. Setting a likely timeline to consummating the relationship into marriage so as to enable them have something to look forward to; a time when they can both explore their sexual.....(I don't know the word to use)

Image result for planning your wedding
Set a likely timeline where possible.. It gives you something to look forward to!
One: Lol.. Thanks a lot Mr Motivation.. Nice one!

Mr Agbalagbaski: I agree with what Mr Motivation has written. In addition to this is to not to take it a month at a time, but to take it a day at a time!

My preference are as follows
Ask for grace from God especially if both are/have been sexually active
Pray that God will kill the urge until marriage
I don't know about telling your spiritual head or mentor about whether you've had sex, in my opinion this is dependent on the depth of relationship and also who's mentor really is the person.
The question is are you comfortable telling your spiritual head you're having sex, if not you need to build a relationship to that point
Minimise the time spent alone especially in enclosed environment, or after dark
Watch what you both watch and listen to
I agree with his points in no 4 and 5 too!

One: Thanks Mr Agbalasgbaski and to all you men of valour *smiles* for your useful tips.. I guess it would be a great time to throw the question out.. What's your take on this? Do you think there's more emphasis on ladies more than guys to abstain from sex before marriage? Also, please share with us, what are practical ways that can help a man who has made that decision to wait until marriage to be sexually active?

PS Frances Okoro of is currently running a Chastity for Men project HERE. It's a definite recommended read! xx


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  1. Nice post. People often think that chastity is always the girls thing. Sin is always sin. There is equality in the sight of God. I think a lot of Christians just need to come out of the world and be separate. Let's not think the way the world does. Men and women are to present themselves as a holy church (chaste) without spots or wrinkles..

    1. Hi Ifeoma and welcome to the blog! It's great to have you here..

      Thanks for your comment. Indeed, in many cases (if not most), we think differently and it is usually not 'popular opinion'... May God give us the grace to stand out and stand up for what we believe xx

  2. I think the emphasis on the female stems from culture, cos in this region, it is still seen as a man's world, and it is the woman who has more to lose.

    As for abstinence, people should try the accountability thing. It always works, knowing your mentor will ask if you are holding your body, and you can't lie cos they can just tell,

    1. Yes, I agree with you that culture has a role to play.
      Accountability partner works well for me too! xx

  3. "It is from clapping that one starts dancing.." Lol!
    I was just telling a friend how the real problem is mostly because many of us were never even taught what was right or wrong! How do I do the right things if I don't know what they are?
    I love my mum very much, but I was never taught anything about menstration; talkless of sex! I can't tell maybe it's because of the homes they grew up in...
    It's true that is you don't teach your child, the world is waiting to teach him/her. And we all know the World mostly teaches wrong as right...
    More pressure is mostly put on women to abstain, but at the end, God will Judge everyone regardless of gender o.

    1. True, very true... There's no gender when we come before God oh! I don't think He would say "Hmm.. Because you're a guy, you're allowed to sleep around small small..." :-)

  4. Thumbs up for the Panel. One thing that has helped thus far is Accountability and looking ahead (to the promised land) Lol.

    For some when we wanted it there was no opportunity. When the opportunity came we had sign on to Chastity!
    Chastity is for all - 1Thes 4: 3-7

    1. Amen to looking ahead to the promised land! May you get there body and soul in Jesus name :-D
      Thank God for the grace to sign up and stay signed up! :-)

  5. In Germany, there is no pressure whatsoever on people to abstain from premarital sex, except in a few churches, not even all, so there is not much of a men/women-difference here.

    When it comes to practical advice, I would say one key virtue here is humility. First, don't expect to be strong or to be more pure than others. 1 Cor 10:12, "if you think you are standing firm, be careful not to fall. "Don't be proud of what you have accomplished so far in the area of discipline and chastity.
    Don't just settle, like David when he skipped a battle and started relaxing on his balcony. Remain involved, it helps.

    And, very important, don't look down on others who struggle. Many of my non-Christian friends in uni told me they could never live this way. In a way, I understand them. No matter how hard you discipline yourself, no matter how many verses you can quote and songs you can sing, guys, as long as you are a breathing human being, it's hard. Be slow to judge people who follow their emotions and don't have it all together.

    After all, God gives grace to the humble, doesn't he? And grace is all we need in this and in other battles.

    Hey Ayo! Voted for you :)

    1. Sebs!!!!!

      You are very correct. To be honest, it is very easy to take on the role of Judge and jury and stick up our noses at others because we believe we got it all figured.. Like you highlighted, anyone who thinks he stands should take heed lest he falls!
      As long as you are living in your human flesh, you are susceptible to fall! That's a truth that should keep us all humble.. Your weakness might not be sex, it might be gossip, or lies, or too much sleep! We are all striving to be perfect as God is perfect.. but it is only by His grace!

      Thank you very much Sebs! Danke!! :-D

    2. Thanks Sebs, I'm taking a lesson from this too, not to be relaxed no matter how far I've come(or think that I have come).
      Living in chastity in Christ is an ongoing battle(yes it's a battle for those who get/know how God led them out of the fall/fall again times)
      So we can never judge anyone, rather, I pray for most guys that I see.
      For those whom I am friends with but see dabble in fornication, I am almost brought to tears.
      How come they can't see what I see? They can't see the soul ties? Why?
      It's really painful to me...
      Chastity is for both men and women.

      Ayo, I wanted to share Richard's recent post on fornication on the series but saw that you had shared the link to the series already. Thank you.
      Richard gave steps that help him stay chaste and talked on the real consequences of fornication on men.
      It's a must read for all men.
      Thanks for sharing

    3. And congratulations on the nominations!
      Whoop whoop!!! :-)

  6. Thank you dear Frances. Your chastity series has been a blessing. May God continue to give you the grace to do more for you in Jesus name.
    Congratulations to you too dear #TeamJesus!


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