Thursday, 5 February 2015

Conversations with One: Red Flags Part 1

Sometimes, we hear people who develop problems in marriage say that "I should have known or watched out for the signs that this man/woman was no good/bad news/cheat/stingy" etc

So today with you beautiful people and the 1 + The One panel, we discuss Red Flags to look out for in a relationship.
It's going to be a 2-part series as we look at it from a female perspective this week and then a male perspective next week by God's grace.

What do you think are warning signs that ladies should possibly look out for in a guy while dating/courting? Some are pretty obvious but sometimes it is important to spell it out..

Before we proceed, please remember that the most important and effective way to know the character of another human being is through what I like to refer to as 'Spiritual Expo' aka Spiritual revelation or enlightenment through prayers - Yes, that's right, you can't take the place of the Holy Spirit opening your eyes to see things as they really are. What's more, not only things in the present can be revealed, but things in the future as well - He is the Beginning and the End after all :-)

Some people ask "but how does it happen?!" Well, first of all, pray sincerely and it will surprise you how God begins to allow you see the true character of an individual - It's usually not set in stone how it happens but it could be in diverse ways.. However, you could certainly start by praying and asking Your Father in heaven to reveal the 'secret' things (good or bad) to you.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's important to shine your eyes because some people may see the red flags but choose to look the other way. The danger here is that in the long run, you wouldn't be able to ignore them and it could cause a LOT of hurt and heart-break that could have been prevented.

Alrighty, enough intro, let's dive right in!!


Ms Hope: He should never as much as lift a palm not to talk of laying them on her cheeks in slaps.
He has to address you, his mum/family, your family and even his friends courteously. I mean, we don't want to end up with a grumpy, high pitched guy.

He should never talk you down. One's spouse should be one's biggest cheerleader. 

One: Very important. If he shuts you up, belittles you or makes you feel 'small' when he talks to you or by his actions, please check it!

Mr NumeroUno: Red Flags.

1. 'Unholy' touching. If he wants sex before marriage.

2. If he loves her, it has to be expressed in his giving, his patience and tolerance, his undivided loyalty and attention. His telephone credit, etc. If he lacks in any of these areas. If he loves you he will be willing to learn, adjust, step up.

3. If he cannot introduce you to his family and friends. Check it.

4. If he is not accountable to anyone. Run!

5. If he is highly secretive and lacks transparency. 

QED.. "If he loves you, he will be willing to learn, adjust, step up"- MR NumeroUno
One: I am glad this is coming from a guy! Check check check these red flags. Don't sabotage your future for someone who treats you less than your deserve to be treated.. There is room for compromise but there are some deal-breakers that should make you check and check again!

Ms PYT: My 2cents:

‎* Flee from stingy guys! Some guys are naturally stingy and shy away from little duties. This is a serious matter because, I have had to ask some married friends if they never saw the stingy traits in their husbands before they got married. By their fruits you shall know them.
There was this particular guy that was stingy and also had long throat. How can a man allow you pay for a drink for yourself and him while visiting him. He does not know how to buy a box of chocolate or even Agege bread when visiting his girlfriend in school. By the way, he had a good job.

* Don't stick around a man that is lazy or one who can't make sacrifices for you.

* A man that can slap another woman will slap his wife one day.

Give this 100 red flags please!
One: Yes, I agree. Watch out for the way he treats other people. That's a strong indication of how he would possibly treat you too.. Remember, he's trying to impress you at the moment so he might treat you like a Queen, however watch how he treats his family members, his friends, colleagues and even his subordinates. 

Ms PYT: * Flee from a man who wouldn't show you affection or who thinks women are just for domestic reasons.
My friend was in a relationship with a guy who believed that carrying the shopping bag for his girl while she carried nothing was unacceptable. He also believed that she needed to give him special respect because he was older than her. He also believed that it was her responsibility to cook, wash and clean for him. That's enough red flag to run for your life.

Lol.. This got me laughing.. Escape from the friend-zone - broaden your horizon! :-)
One: Hmmm... Some people don't mind that.. :-D

Do YOU mind? 

Tell us... What other red flags do you think a lady should watch out for while dating/courting or even during friendship?

Let's talk!!

PS, Don't forget part 2 comes up next week where we discuss from a male perspective! xxxx


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  1. Oh, I love this topic Ayo. Excited for part two :)

    I agree with Ms. Hope that physically assaulting you is a pretty big red flag so if that one happens, biko carry your legs and run. I also agree with her that if he puts you down while courting, he will only put you down even more in marriage.

    To add a few of my own, I'll say:

    - He has no personal relationship with God or any idea of the purpose of your marriage (with no vision, where and how will he lead you?)

    - He openly flirts with other women in front of you (lol, this one should be enough foreshadowing of how things might likely progress from flirting to more during your marriage)

    - He is arrogant and treats under-privileged people disrespectfully

  2. How he treats his family members especially Mother is a great indicator of how you will be treated. Is he reliable, dependable, responsible? are also important attributes to look out for and good indicators of future behaviour.

  3. If only we would all learn to run... when we see red!

  4. I learned the hard way that it is possible to see the signs yet ignore them. I love everything that was said in the article but the most important thing is to pray sincerely like One said. Do that and open the eyes of your heart so that when God shows you what you need to see, you'll be sensitive enough to accept it. They say love is blind and I believe that phrase to an extent. You can be so blinded by what you think is love and ignore all the red flags God is showing you. No man can be so good at pretending that his true character will never show. It may be for a split second but that split second is enough for God to show you a thousand things about the man. When you see those signs though, you MUST react. Don't just ignore them in the name of love.

  5. What's most important is the courage to run when we see these red flags because I believe people know somewhere deep down when they see/get flagged... but is there that courage to stop making excuses and run?

    In most cases, sadly, no.

  6. This topic touches my heart because I've seen one too many dear ones get hurt. Red flags are easier to identify than to heed. Even when we see them, we make excuses and rationalize. Or we're under too much societal or psychological pressure because we're 'getting old'. Or we're too carried away by beauty, wealth or status. So we ignore them and hope for the best which doesn't work. If we can isolate ourselves from both the inner and outer pressures, and only act based on knowledge, intuition and the voice of God then we won't live with regret. Of course on the flip side, we mustn't be too fearful and overly-cautious. There's a song my friends and I used to listen to in school that said 'good things come to them that wait, not to those who hesitate; so hurry up and wait upon The Lord.' I find that very apt. More power to you Ayo. :-)

  7. This is amazing. I love the value your panel brought to the topic and the discussion in the comments section. You've said it all, lol!

    One thing I'd like to add however, is that whether you're just starting a serious relationship or confirmed for the altar, don't loose your company of godly people. They keep you oh-so accountable!

    Not only are they your extra eyes and ears to the things that escaped your BS filters (don't worry, love does that), they want nothing but the best for you.

    Caution however; these are special people. They are people who know the taste of sin and the priceless joy of redemption. What I mean is that this people will NOT humiliate you if/when you do commit a moral error. Correct you, they will. But never will they condemn you while riding on their righteous horses.

    Looking forward to part 2, Ayo! Lol

  8. oneplustheone is the best blog to visit, I love it

    1. Thanks a lot for the vote of confidence Amina! God bless you :-) xx

  9. The panel has said it all...Red flags are warning signs. However some Red flags need us to talk about an issue and see if our partner or friend would adjust or not. If he or she doesn't adjust (genuinely), abeg follow Usain Bolt!!!

  10. Oh yes yes yes! And i'll add this, he/she might say a lot of things but watch how they act/behave. Words are cheap so don't let anyone bamboozle you with them

  11. As per adjusting...
    There's no adjusting for slaps and beatings oh...
    at the first sign of threat sef..RUN!

  12. heeeii!! Tithens wrapper.. Egbami oh! I am in trouble oh! aha! See me see wahala oh! Things i do are being red Flagged.. Choi! **Hits chest 3 times... My life!!! Now based on my view of life eh Bubba, i dont quite support Mr. Numero Uno's first point.. Its a bit too narrow.. That being said... So if I hit a woman that Provokes me outside, then my woman should Red flag me.. Point noted.. I shall super glue my hand to my pocket henceforth no maRRa the provocation. Bubba, i dont get why i will be doing houseboy for Woman on top lovenwantitin oh! aha nah! if me i am not carrying something, and she went shopping at the mall, it is her responsibility to carry the bag by herself nah.. **Covers face....

    I soooooooo love this series..

  13. Thanks everyone for your comments and contributions to the discussion! Don't forget, we bring you part 2 next week!

    Tomorrow is Valentine's Day - woohoo! Hope you have a great time... And don't forget to tell us all about it too! xxxx


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