Thursday, 29 January 2015

Conversations with One: How Do I Deal With the Feeling of Not Being Good Enough?

Hello people!

Hope your week has been great?
It's the 29th day in the month of January today (well, rapidly coming to the end of the day!). Earlier this week in church, my Pastor challenged us saying that God made the earth in 6 days and that there may be some things that we are expecting or praying about, for God to do this year. 
6 versus 29... If He could do it in 6 days, 29 days is more than enough for Him to make your joy full.. So don't think time is still short, God can still complete it even before the end of this month. 

My prayer is that God will crown this month with great testimonies that will surpass your desires and expectations in Jesus name. He will be glorified in your life in Jesus name.

Right, the topic for this week's conversation goes thus:

"I have suffered a recent heart-break and it has greatly affected my self-esteem. I keep thinking I am not good enough or that no one would want me. In my mind (and people have told me this), this is not true but it doesn't take away the feeling of being a failure/loser..."
Please help, how do I re-build my self-confidence/esteem after a heart-break?


Ms PYT: The person in question feels hurt and no matter how you try to make her feel good, that tiny voice inside of her keeps telling all the negative things.
Heartbreaks are for a reason and they make you stronger and prepare you for your next relationship.

This person should focus on loving herself and being a better person‎ rather than relying on a guy to make her feel complete and acceptable. I know it's hard because we all want to feel loved but she needs to love herself first.

You need to love yourself first
Mr NumeroUno: I must confess this is not an easy one, yet critically important. PYT has kicked it off by stating the first rule of the game.
Rule No 1. Love God
Rule No 2. Love yourself (That is why God says love your neighbour, on the proviso that you love yourself.
Practical steps is to do some things differently.

1. Start with the gateway to the heart. Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life. 

One: I love that verse of scripture.. 

Mr NumeroUno: A. Sanction who speaks into your life (expunge your friend list, and give lesser attention to those who do not celebrate you, treat you equally, treat you as a person, deflate your self worth or self importance, inflate their self importance. Ie. Some people never call you back, respond to your texts 18 days later because they are 'too' busy. Time to expunge, exterminate and evacuate the phone book/friends list. 

One: Very true.. Periodically, it is important to evaluate friendships and people in your life and know when to let some people go.

Mr NumeroUno: That's right.
B. Joyce Meyer is a good teacher to listen to on Self Esteem, and so is Joel Osteen. Faith comes by hearing. At this season, see no evil and hear no evil. Protect your heart.

Purposefully close your ears to negativity.. Guard your heart
2. Add a life skill. Buy a new book and increase the wisdom that comes out of your lips. Go to the gym, go shopping or buy some magazines that can inspire your sense of style, etc. Learn a new language, learn a new culinary skill. It tends to build complements naturally, which in turn will add to your CV and self worth/self confidence.

One: Thank you NumeroUno! Very useful and practical points shared.. May I also ask, how do you silence the negative voices in your head like PYT suggested?

Mr NumeroUno: I always say to those I encourage, two voices speak to you. One with negative energy, and of cause the voice of reason, the Spirit of Christ.The one you agree with is a choice nobody can make for another.
All those people you admire out there or who you feel their swag, are people who at one point in time made that decision to rise above the negative voices.
You are not alone, we have all been recipients to negativity. Make up your mind to discard the voice of failure, low self esteem, et al. Believe the bible and every promise God has made to you.

There's more where that came from...
.... The Bible is full of promises of God to you. Immerse yourself in them!
One: It's very true, it's a decision you make to focus on the positive voice and continuously ignore the negative voice by God's grace or countering it with every promise of God made to you!

Ms TrueTalk: I want to believe the broken-hearted is a child of God and has a relationship with Christ, therefore I'd say as a daughter of God, first and foremost, you are a Queen, of a royal priesthood, a peculiar person, one of a chosen generation that will stand before kings and not mean men. So, who is that man that will or should make you feel any less? If he has parted ways with you, then be blessed because that is his loss and he has made you free to get better options. Being in Christ makes all the difference; encourage yourself with the Word. Let no man make you feel less than what you are worth- the very apple of God's eye!
You are ROYALTY... Never forget that
Mr NumeroUno: Brethren. Gender neutrality please. Men too deal with low self esteem issues o. Lol.

Ms TrueTalk: Lol, Numero Uno. Please by all means, it also applies to guys; my bad for focusing on the female part. All who are in Christ enjoy the grace (both male and female). Just 'mentally' inject 'son','King' 'woman' 'she', 'her', 'she', 'woman', respectively.

Mr NumeroUno: Cool stulfz (in the accent of Falzthebadguy) lol

One: Loll @Falz
I lovee! I was nodding while reading it and it even gave me a boost with my shoulders rising high "I'm a Queen, Daughter of the Most High".. Can you beat that?? :-D
Thanks NumeroUno for the important reminder that it is gender balanced.. When I was writing the question, I actually had some guys in mind...

Ms PYT: From your question, it seems this person has a knowledge of God's love and all...
Asides from reassuring her of God's love, I think there are practical steps:
* Be realistic about bouncing back; expecting yourself to bounce back after a heart break is unrealistic but you have to choose to.
* Appreciate your steps however small
* Get active
*Avoid unhealthy behaviours; Avoid withdrawing from others. Give yourself time to heal, savour your alone time and reconnect with both yourself and loved ones.
* Say NO to misinterpretations and assumptions, and above all you have to reconnect back to God.

One step at a time.. Sometimes, they may be baby steps but keep moving all the same!
Ms PumpkinUnited: I once read a quote that says 'Tell the Negative Committee that meets in your head to shut up'.. It was a deep one for me..
So first and foremost, what I do to help combat negative thoughts is to find positive quotes that counter the negative ones that keep creeping into my mind..
Luckily the only heartbreak I ever had was not man related but family induced heart break. I grew up with a grievous low self esteem cause all I always heard growing up was, you will never amount to anything, and you're not and will never be good enough (but look at me today, over confidence fe kpa mi, lol), it affected me so much and made me run from anything that required taking responsibility or making friends or the like. I just felt I was a lower creature. But then when I got in sync with God, I saw so many things in the scripture that told me who I really was and what I did was write them out and brood on them until it was buried in my heart and mind. I kept looking out for positive quotes and I kept confessing them until they became real to me. So every time a negative thought crept up, I immediately replied with what I have buried in my mind already and it helped. 

Another thing is to surround yourself with people that believe in you. This has helped me a lot cause I tell you it's not easy oo. (Shout out to the boo of life and other great people that saw the gold in me when all I could see was potopoto)

Surround yourself with positive people!
- Develop yourself, be busy learning, develop your passion just like Ms PYT said, don't just sit throwing a pity party,

- One other magical healing potent is music and dance, join a dance class and dance your pains away. It works like magic trust me.

- Be around positive energy and say not to negative vibes.

- Intentionally choose to believe in yourself.

One: Brilliant! Thanks a lot for this PumpkinUnited! We must dance away our sorrows :-)

The kind of people we surround ourselves with is sooo important!

There's a saying that goes thus: Your friends are like an elevator button, they either take you up or down...

... What's your take on this? Have you ever been in this place before? It would be great to here from you too. Join the conversation, what helped you? Also, do you need more help? Do you have questions? Please send an email


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Please, be kind, nominate 1 + The One blog HERE in the following categories:

No 7. Best Faith-based Blog
No 12: Best Inspiration, motivation or personal development Blog
No 12: Best Relationship Blog

Thank you beautiful people!! xx


  1. Uhmmmmmmm, my take on this
    1. You didn't fail, it was the relationship that failed, so arise from the depression and prostration in which the circumstances of life have kept you (Isa 60:1-amplified)

    2. Fill your mind with what the Word says you are, I like Psalm 139 vs 14

    3. Enjoy life, trip urself regularly. Find what you are good at and give it ur 100%

    1. Thanks a lot StRhymes... You didn't fail, it was the relationship that failed! <<< Truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

  2. Good advice all around. I second the recommendation to listen to Joyce Meyer's talks. When a negative thought comes to your mind you can audibly or internally reply by saying "That's not true—it's a lie!" and after some time you will start to believe it—this is something that I do and it works! I'm almost at the point where I can stop the thought before it's fully formed...most of the time! If you like to read I recommend Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind.

    Though it's not easy, we have to move away from self confidence and move to having our confidence in God–I believe that everything else will fall into place. This journey to humility and confidence in God is a long one but it's a worthwhile one!

    1. Thanks a lot GNG!

      Do you know I had that book by Joyce Meyer, started reading it and didn't finish it and now I want to read it so much!

      And I absolutely agree with you... God-confidence.. That's the destination. Thank you xx

  3. Interestingl, my most recent blog post is about low self esteem and dealing with it.
    You should check it out -

  4. A lot of good advice here, there is not much to add! Love your group picture :)

    One thing though that comes to my mind that might be helpful is TRAVELLING. Meeting new people sometimes feels like a breath of fresh air. It does not require you going to another country, it can mean seeing some new people in a new city, going into a different environment in your city etc. Advantage is that strangers don't know anything about you, no past, no weaknesses, you can start afresh, if you know what I mean. "Adventures" often cleared my mind; just by being filled with excitement I naturally focussed on other things than myself.

    Another thing that might sound superficial is to be humerous. If you can laugh about yourself it can help you accepting yourself the way you are :)

    1. Thanks Sebs.. I like the idea of going on an adventure.. Try something new, meet new people, do new things.
      And of course, laughter always does good like medicine... May God help us in Jesus name xx

  5. This is a deep one for me..
    I've been there..writing this now, it doesn't seem like I was the one in that life...ah, the wonders of what God can do with us!

    I was in a relationship that was crippling for a while.
    I lost my smile, lost my laughter and thought I was nothing.
    I say to you what a mentor said to mea certain night that turned my life around.
    She said -"Frances, I knew you when you were in 100l because a neighbour asked if I knew you. You were their ASP in school.
    You are brilliant, beautiful and intelligent.
    Where is that frances?
    Then she said - "men will kneel to beg for your hands in marriage, you are worth that much. A daughter of the most high"

    I wept and wept when she said it cuz the truth is, I had indeed lost took a lot to find me but I wrapping myself securely in God.
    Yep, I went all out. Ate the word like moi-moi, threw myself into God.
    The more I did that, the more the comfort of the spirit wrapped me securely and the more God's word about me stamped itself in my heart.

    God bless my best friend too. I was the same beautiful Frances in her eyes, no matter what may have gone down.
    So pls also surround yourself with people who love you and believe that you are the best.

    You are worth more than rubies, give God a chance to show you this truth. Wrap yourself in Him and His word securely..His word is truth, not what we think or feel.

    #much love.

    1. My dearie I don't have anything to add.. Thank you so much for sharing this! Thank you.. It becomes more real when someone shares from a personal point of view. xx

  6. A very good post...

    These points really gets to me,
    "*Avoid unhealthy behaviours; Avoid withdrawing from others. Give yourself time to heal, savour your alone time and reconnect with both yourself and loved ones.
    * Say NO to misinterpretations and assumptions, I am guilty of all the above.
    I think my low self-esteem is as a result of not been able to achieve my aim/goal academically (I am of advanced age).
    I practically avoid social media because it affects me even to the point that I think I am always out of contest anytime I contribute or interact online.
    Sometimes I wish I could talk to someone who doesn't even know Me(kind of agree with Sabatian 's points and I am in no relationship because of this too because I think guys might not take me serious or take advantage (lot of theories in my head), hmmm.. but I believe it is well.
    Happy Sunday!

    1. Thank you so much anonymous for sharing this..
      I would really be grateful if you could send me an email
      You are priceless and individually unique. It is important to understand that we cannot compete with the next person because there is no basis for competition.. You compete with people in the same race, under the same guidelines and rules, however, each human being's life race is uniquely different - our times and seasons are not identical therefore it would be unfair to compare..

      Your life story is written by God and as the Potter with the clay, He can (at any point in time) decide to re-mould or re-shapen you to fit into His plans - as long as you remain in His care..

      With God, it's never too late, never a foregone opportunity.. No matter how late it may seem in your eyes, remember that God said that He will make ALL things work together for your good (Romans 8:28).. ALL things - the good and the bad.. ALL things

      God bless you and please keep in touch... xxxxx

    2. Thanks for these words, they go a long wway.God bless you.

  7. Great post! I can absolutely relate 100% as I have been there one time too many.

    Speaking from personal experience, I took spiritual and practical steps...

    Spiritual steps:
    1) I took my feelings to God. Yes, I pour it all out to Him... I had to be real without holding back or mincing my words. I told Him how I really wanted to get back at the guy and how I hated (yes HATED) him. This helped a great deal in making me feel a tad lighter emotionally

    2) I asked God to heal & soothe my heart. To fill that emptiness I felt due to the heartbreak. I also asked God to restore my confidence... To express His love to me like never before... To remind me that I am not ordinary, but the Apple of His eye...

    Practical Steps: I had to make important choices

    1) I guarded my heart. I stopped talking about the guy, the relationship, the break up, his faults, my faults, EVERYTHING!

    2) I decided to pull the plug on pity party and tell my emotions to take a seat and sharrap! Lol

    3) I got busy! Reading books, praying more, going out, getting even more involved in church, journalling etc

    I know heartbreak is so bleehh *thumbs down* but you must choose! Only make sure you choose well and positively. Dictate to your mind what it can cannot focus on. Remind yourself that you are enough! You are beautiful! You are priced above rubies! Your worth and value is in God, not man. Choose to look up not down. Choose confidence not defeat. Choose strength not weakness. Choose God not the heartbreaker.

    You see, a man/woman cannot define you. God defines you. This is why it is VERY important to lose oneself in God. Allow Him to complete you and make you whole. In fact, being whole in yourself should be a prerequisite for venturing into a godly relationship (yelz!). Otherwise Harry/Samantha will waltz in and feed you fries that'll make you believe that they define you and without them, you are one roasted potato.

    Hope this makes sense and helps...

    1. *claps hands* Thank you very much for this! As thorough as can be and from a personal perspective.. Too many nuggets of wisdom! Thank you. May no one make us feel like roasted potatoes without them in Jesus name :-)

  8. I normally read your posts via Facebook and leave without commenting (P.S. your relationship with blogger is a long one o, lol).

    But this is a very personal one, a subject that I've become familiar with through constant battle with myself.

    1) The greatest competition we have is ourselves. It is an illusion to think that we are competing with others, when really, everyone is on the same race to personal development at a different pace. Social media and media houses perpetuate this competition thing–there is a "Miss Everything" these days.

    2) Sometimes just willing yourself to good thoughts is not enough. In fact, sometimes they're ineffective. I have found that the best way to overcome the blues of imperfection is to surround myself with those on the same mission as myself.

    3) Gratitude: Not just for what we have but for the manifestation of others' gifts. When you shower others with praise, it moves you from a state of gloom and pessimism to optimism. I was the girl who was never able to take a compliment but now I smile and tell myself that while all glory belongs to God, I deserved to hear the words of affirmation.

    4) Even Jesus wavered from his calling when He asked God to let the cup pass over him. Moses was a stutterer. Rahab was a prostitute. Abraham slept with his maid. Yet the bible refers to them as examples of faith. Just go out there and do whatever God has placed in your heart to do.

    Sorry for the epistle and any "gbagauns" you might find. I hope whoever is going through this finds the peace of God that surpasses all understanding! :)

  9. Please don't apologise for the epistle at all.. I absolutely loved it and it's filled with so many truths! I was nodding along as I read it! Very powerful, thank you.. No 3 is my favourite - "..... while all glory belongs to God, I deserved to hear the words of affirmation." - So so true!!
    God bless you hun xxxx


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