Thursday, 20 November 2014

Conversations with One: Where do Broken Hearts Go?

Hey Hey Hey!!!

Has it really been so long? Well, 2 weeks to be precise but it seems like a mighty long time!! How have you been? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I am sorry for the lull in conversation (pun intended)... Thank you as always to everyone who checked in and followed up, you rock! God bless you immensely.. We appreciate youuu!!

Today, we bring you another egg-citing (emphasis on the egg :-) edition of Conversations with One with the amazing and wonderful panel!

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed the wisdom of abandoning your career or dream for someone you are in a relationship with. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

Alrighty, now to this week's topic:

Now this week's topic was given by a male reader and it goes thus..
"How do you deal with heartbreak?"

Usually, when we talk about heartbreak and so on, emphasis is placed on the lady, we forget that men get heart-broken too! This question cuts across all sexes so please let's hear it.. How do you get over a heartbreak?

Ms MIA: Lemme first sigh.....hmmmmmm! Ok I'll be back......

Mr NumeroUno: I like the question. Thou hast asked a hard thing, nevertheless let's attempt to deal with it. First even twins or siblings of the same mother are different. In other words we tend to handle things differently.
Rule No 1. Go to the Judge of the whole earth, the one who created the eyes and the heart. Someone who creates eyes definitely can see. So God knows about it. He saw all the details of the relationship before the start, from start to finish, and knows what will happen next even when it is over.
Secondly. Seeing and knowing a matter is different from an invitation to be involved or be mediator in the case. So invite him to settle it.

Rule No 2. Look inward and admit that you also have flaws and may have contributed. But examine yourself. "He that thinketh he stands should take heed."

Rule No 3. Forgive. Forgive your ex and forgive yourself.

Rule No 4. No animosity, don't wish your ex evil or the worse and don't go looking for someone to use as vengeance to spite on your ex. You'll just hurt an innocent person in the process. 

You may be tempted to do this, but chill.. God's got this :-)
NubianPrincess: Without meaning to sound too "spiri"... Na God oooh!!

Personal example, I was in a relationship for 4 years with a dude I thought I was going to marry... Don't ask please, I was quite young. One day, the Holy Spirit led me to pray about my relationship, I asked God to take the dude away if he wasn't my husband and not to let me feel bad... Less than an hour later, I was single... Bobo messaged me to tell me the relationship wasn't working and that was the end.... I should have been devastated... But God strengthened me so much, I couldn't believe it... He protected my heart from the pain.

Don't worry, its going to be alright..
Second example... Many, many years later, I was in a relationship with another dude I thought I was going to marry. We had to end the relationship by mutual decision due to some issues we couldn't reconcile... Now, that was painful for both of us... I 'grieved' a little, I threw myself in a lot of activities... I was very, very busy and I prayed a lot and with time, the pain receded and I was very okay...

I'm a bottler, I don't discuss my emotions easily or at all, but if the person is a talker, I suggest talking to someone about the pain you're going through... Apparently, it helps. :-)

One: Lol.. Me I am a certified talker... But may God save us from heartbreak oh... I have had the last one in Jesus name (and the people say..) That thing ehn, odikwa very painful indeed.. I hate hearing when people share the loss of a relationship with me, I wish I could take it away! But like Numero and Nubian said, God does take it away..

Ms Hope: I have a friend who is more like a sister, she had a relationship that had started a year before we started first year in Uni in 2003, up until May ‎2014. Let me just say the relationship did not officially end. She only heard and saw his wedding pictures. Was she devastated? That's to put it lightly.
‎Can't say she has fully recovered yet, but sheer will and determination plus spending more time with ‎God has so far helped her hang her head over the waters.

Ms MIA: Honestly, there's no one way to deal with a heart break and as Numero Uno said, to each his own way. My experience lasted a year although I started to heal after 6 months but it took a year before I completely let go.

My steps were:
1. I chose to forgive (it was a decision that I took, although the real forgiveness happened after a year). Then forgive yourself, this is so important.

2. Prayers - This kind of prayer is the sort where you talk with a heart of sincerity to God as you would your friend. I cried a lot so I used to do so with God every time. I made a conscious effort to talk to God every time so that I won't be bitter.
Pray, pray and pray again!
3. Speak to your Christian friend. This worked for me because my friend didn't want to dwell on the situation so when we talked, it was always what's next? Also, avoid speaking to too many people else it will turn into a pity party.

4. Occupy your time with studying the word of God. Heartbreaks can leave you feeling 'not good enough' so the word of God reminds you who you are. I also studied books a lot and I found that they helped me self evaluate (oh I learnt 10,000 ways not to do it again)

5. Be friendly - my dad taught me this one. He said I should get to know the opposite gender better as it would help me in the future. It's also important not to rush into another relationship because more often than not, it's a rebound. And here I rest my case.

One: Nice one Ms MIA, very very helpful.
Mr NumeroUno: I also echo Ms MIA, may I add.

6. Listen to specific Christian music that boosts your spirit. i.e. Mary Mary's in the morning the sun's going to shine. Donnie McClurkin's 'You'll be fine', I will Trust You Lord. Etc. By the time you load yourself with some deep encouraging songs. Your spirit comes alive, your heart begins to heal real quickly, and you recover better. When you notice you are running out of dose. Look for more spirit inspired songs to lift your spirit.

7. Listen to messages that inspire and teach on relationship and hope. eg Joyce Meyer, Bimbo Odukoya (Youtube), Funke Felix Adejumo, Sam Adeyemi, etc.

8. Go shopping buy something new or travel and hopefully enjoy some compliments. It is refreshing and therapeutic.

9. Laughter is really medicine. Look out for comedies you enjoy and just work out what brings out your sense of humour. Hang around people with positive energy.
And believe me you will so bounce back at a much shorter time frame. It works!

That moment when you receive a new lease of life!!
Ms PYT: I really don't know what anyone can tell someone who's going through a fresh heart break that will make them feel better. They can come alive after a while, then all the practical examples you all have given can work.

Heart break doesn't just happen to single people, married couples go through heartbreak too.
A very close friend of my family has been cheating on his wife for over 5 years and guess what? Someone is pregnant for him. Not in her wildest dreams did she think her husband would cheat on her. She asked me a question which I didn't have an answer for "how do I love him again?" She is so heartbroken and nothing seems to calm her down.

One: Wow.. That's a new and very important perspective PYT... heartbreak in marriage. I think that is even more difficult as it's a more committed relationship.. Lord have mercy!! I can't even imagine how she must feel at this moment.

Ms TrueTalk: Whenever my 3-year old son hurts himself and runs to me in tears, he asks a funny question: "Mummy, what will make it go away?" and I simply tell him- 'Time'. It kind of makes him feel better.
It is true time heals all wounds, but what we spend the time doing is important. Focusing on God during this period is very key, He truly is the lover of our soul. Listening to good music, staying away from situations or friends that will stir up painful emotions will also help. I would also suggest that you avoid watching all those mushy romantic movies and listening to 'love songs'.

As time goes by, your heart will heal and you will get over it and move on.

One: Hmm.. The irony is that it's at that time that one will go and dig up BoysIIMen, Mario, Neyo etc lol

Mr Motivation: Lol.. Ok, here goes - 5 Steps to overcoming heartbreak by Mr

1. Decision- You are solely responsible for moving on and not God or your friends etc.

2. Acceptance- This has to do with coming to terms with the fact that things didn't work out although there were beautiful memories created and it ended not necessarily because you or the other person is a bad person. Sometimes not every good thing is meant for "you". In my case, I would still vouch for my ex as to her being a good person but I guess she wasn't for me. One amazing thing about God is that He never takes away something without a more perfect replacement. Its only a question of How well do we trust Him. When mine ended in Sep'10 I felt bad because I had been on this girls case from my 1st year of Uni and She agreed in final year.....Now that's investment of time, energy and emotion. More so she had some certain qualities I wanted in a woman both physical and spiritual e.g flat tummy, slim fit etc and yes I said it, I am human and I am only being real. But I didn't know that God had something wayyyyyyy and faaarrrr better than what I was looking out for in a woman and now when I look back, I am like "Whoa! God I thank you because I am sooooooooooo happy with what you finally gave me."

As for the other 3 points........ I will need clearance from One to go If you notice, I mainly emphasises on the you (the heartbroken) and not God. My reason for this is that we Christians subconsciously pass on the absolute responsibility for healing and moving on unto God, neglecting our role in the process. In my humble opinion, God only blesses"WORKS" and not "WISHES".d

Mr Agbalagbaski: You guys have mentioned most of what I wanted to say. I will tell you steps I took when I had my heart broken too. Decision to part was mutual but nearly 6yrs of investment in a relationship and ending it, to be honest, words can't fully describe.

How did I cope? Same steps as most have recommended. I did loads of evaluation, ie what did I learn? I concentrated on the things that through her God changed in me.

They say guys don't cry, I had nights that my pillows were wet

Men cry too!
One: Sorry, I have to cut in.. They do?? Halleluyah to that!!

Mr Agbalagbaski: LOL.. Yes, we do.. I listened to some "heartbroken" type music, guess what? I cried even more. Crying heals the soul sha, I tell you
I had Christian friends that I spoke to, had counselling sessions with my Pastor. I forgave myself first, then called her and asked her to forgive me, I did the same too. 
Heart healing can't be rushed. For some, it's quick but mine was different. To mourn my relationship. I didn't shave or cut my hair for over a year. When I was truly convinced that I was over her I shaved it off!
If I err meet her again I would hug and gist with her like we were still friends but not one to establish another relationship. 

One: *huge sigh* That's deep! Thanks a lot for sharing your experience.. Heartbreak sucks jare

Just in case you forgot, men cry too! lol

Mr Motivation: For anyone hurting out there, I want to reassure you that you are too precious to God for Him to watch you hurt yourself in the long run. So take solace in the fact that you will look back and smile one day.

One: AMEN! 

What a great note to bring our own conversation to an end.. We'd like to hear from you though.. Have you ever had your heartbroken? How did you deal with it? 

  Remember that 1 + The One is very social :-) Please connect with us on:

Twitter: @1plustheone
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Also, if you have any question or comment please send us an email too


  1. Nice convo. I've had my share and it wasn't easy but it can be done :)

    1. Thanks dear.. You're right, not easy but can certainly be done

  2. Good talk.

    I am not one to talk.
    I believe I am perfect even though I am not.
    I am pretty practical.

    Here is what I believe: if someone is not meant to be with you, God knows the future and knows that they won't make you happy or that they are not right for your person.

    How did I get over disappointment? I had so many people to rub it in. They set out to make it hurt. I was hurt by the attempts to make it hurt and because I expected better from Christians but it made me a better person and God got beauty from it.

    Was there a time I said a prayer about it? Yes, a minister was in town and he prayed about husbands and wives and that if anything was hurting you, lift up your hands and give it to God. Those were the times my hands felt the heaviest but I did. I think I cried, I just listened to the man pray.

    All I can say is that although I am yet unmarried. God made me and things around me and my family beautiful and that since that is the road I had to pass, I don't regret it because God's hand is writing my story.

    I got heartbroken for the first time in 2000, I got betrayed by friends I am not open with today. I can say for a fact that God is close to the broken hearted, that is when I started hearing God.

    Have you ever seen a girl that just starts crying for nothing when worship is going on, that girl is me, I used to get embarrassed about it then, I still get embarrassed about it now. If I make a mistake about the man I marry, I stand to lose my intimacy with God. The risks are high. I can't make a mistake, just can't. I would rather be heartbroken than make a mistake and marry the wrong man.

    I won't go through heartbreak again o, I don't like the amount of time I lose while recovering my soul.

    1. Amen to that sister! Heartbreak is not cool at all.. Your comment brings to mind one of Pastor Bimbo Odukoya's statement - A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage..
      In the same vein, a broken relationship is much better than an unhappy marriage!

  3. **waving** Hiya's been a while...hows you?....So I have had my fair share too and what I did was....I went out, got drunk, came back, cried myself to bed, woke up the next day, sobered up and went on with my life....Simple!....Any man who once enjoyed my company and woke up one morning and decided that he doesn't want me around anymore deserves just 6 hours more of my time......and I will dedicate it to mourning that relationship......

    1. *waving right back!!* I have missed you my darling Tibs and the TTT crew too!! Hope you are good?
      Hmm, you are a strong woman mami! I wish I could switch off after 6hours!

  4. Ayo!! Welcome back! Pls dont disappear again oh.
    Good convos! And oh, you just had to use the wowo pics of men crying eh? Ok oh.

    I was in one relationship like that some years back..the relationship that really brought me close to God. The relationship I had to let go off and let God come in.
    The relationship that made me feel God's hands literally wrapped around me, it's the reason why I know with absolutely clarity that God has the best in store for me maritally.

    I had a great choice to make.he wasn't for me, I had to let go and let God.
    I struggled a bit but ended it and the only tear I she'd was a lone tear while telling God I had let go, let Him come in.

    My friends were surprised as to how strong I was. I tell them that it was God and it's still God. I'm not being spirikoko here, this is just the truth.
    God soothed me in a way that i've never felt before. The peace was amazing, the shoulders around me were real.

    I spent time in prayers, I went back to being active ij church, in my department of drama
    I laughed a lot, mended my friendships that I had let go cuz of the relationship and grew stronger with my bestie.
    Whenever I felt down, I talked to my bestie who was quick to remind me that time erases all and funny, it was true.
    Months down the line, I could go weeks without remembering his name.

    There were struggles, there were some calls made when they shouldn't have been made but ultimately, I realized and walked in the knowledge that God was/is with me and I didn't the right thing by breaking things up.
    I had God and that was the most important thing to me.

    Even my ex said I just brushed him off without any feelings. For me? I knew it was all God. He was my comforter, lover, all. He is indeed close to the broken hearted, for real.

    1. Hahaha.. Beautiful Frances! Yes oh. The thought that men cry too is a comforting one and I cannot even lie lol..
      I'm glad that you got over the relationship.. I totally get you on the making some calls when they shouldn't have been made lol..
      At the end of the day, no regrets (ok, maybe a little haha), but the learning and experience is priceless.
      Thank you for your comment.. Thank our faithful God and Father for being an everlasting Rock!

  5. 1-Don't be afraid to mourn for the loss
    2-Don't think you have to be strong
    3-Dont isolate yourself
    4-know that the pain won't last forever

    Great Post!

    1. Thank you!! "Don't think you have to be strong!"... It's alright to be vulnerable - except you are not human!

  6. Welcome Back!! Time heals all wounds including 'bruised' hearts. Crying, Singing, Praying, and crying some more are all apart of the healing process that medicates and bandages the emotions and feelings of disapointment while grieving the loss of a special friendship/relationship.

    1. Hmmm.. Time is honestly a great great gift from God. It does heal.. Sometimes you're thinking "Would I ever get over this??"but then time kicks and you're like "Did I really go through that?" :-)
      I've missed you HF, hope you are good?

  7. I'm not much of a talker too I deal with heartbreak alone, I don't tell anyone I'm hurting. Someone broke my heart back in 2012, he just cut off all communication with me my calls went unanswered, my messages were never replied, I was crushed and so confused I had too many unanswered questions. During this time I cried, prayed, I forgave, I accepted it was over, listened to uplifting music, watched a lot of movies and finally after close to 8 months of hurting I finally let go, the pain subsided. This heartbreak left me with emotional scars that I'm still dealing with to date.
    Time heals, I think giving oneself time to go through the grieving process is healthy, allowing yourself to grieve will help you heal faster. Taking it all to God will give you strength to go through the healing process

    1. Thank you Sharon for your honesty.

      It actually led me to think about another thing: to reduce heartbreak in the first place, closure is important. I have once heard a preacher giving this precious peace of advice: "Brothers and sisters [in Christ] don't just disappear" and it still resonates with me to date. Ending a relationship by just cutting off communication is a horrible way of doing it. Have courage to face the person and give him or her some reasons, pray for each other and then let it go... This is a much more honorable way and it helps not feeling bitter towards a person and wishing him/her bad. That does not eliminate all heartbreak, but it does reduce it and helps you to cope with it better.

      Of course we cannot influence how the other person might end a relationship, but if we are the ones breaking up, we better do a good job in doing that, otherwise you can cause pain.

      I wish you well and hope the scars will continue to heal!

      And thank you Ayo for another important convo - a lot of good advice in there!

    2. I say amen to Sebs prayers dear Sharon... I thank God for your healing.

      Sebs, I totally agree with you - the way the relationship ends is very important! I think it's cowardly to cut off communication without explanation and childish too.. As Sebs said, there's a more honourable way to go about it.

      Thanks a lot for sharing Sharon and thanks as always Sebs for your great comment..

  8. An important aspect of heartbreak wasn't dealt on properly. Heartbreak in Marriage. How does a wife or husband deal with the heartbreak in a marriage. There's no closure in that relationship. It's till death do them part for us Christians. If there's a case of a love child in the equation, how do you go past that kind of heartbreak that constantly stares you in the face? How do you go on with your life as if everything will be fine, when ur life has been irrevocably turned upside down. Danna

    1. Thanks a lot Danna for highlighting this.. I agree with you, this needs to be dealt with.. I will ask my married friends (Inthe, where are you?) to kindly weigh in on this.. Thanks xx

  9. Thank you Sebs and Ayo for your kind words be blessed.

  10. A heart break is an experience one would not wish to have repeatedly. It could so push you into a state where you cannot eat, you drink water and it seems to stay on your throat. I know this because I have been there.
    Well, different solution may work for different persons in trying to deal with a broken heart; Firstly, whether we agree or not, we do need to speak with God's spirit within us as He is the ultimate counsellor. The times of a breakup may seem like the loneliest of times hence I suggest one engages in a lot of activities like visit to friends and family, shopping, paintings, riding or an activity with a group. You could also use the help of a "wise" friend who would be there to listen to you as we sometimes just need someone who would lend a listening ear. The times you feel like crying just go ahead and cry as it sometimes make you feel better. I would quickly add that a breakup is not an end to life. so if it ever happens to you, and having tried to make things workout and they dint, wash yourself up, stretch out, look beautiful with a most unreserved conviction that the last dint workout because there is something brighter and better. Never see a disadvantage.

    1. Very well said Ashraff.. Get busy, seek advice and where necessary cry!

  11. Heartbreak??? Never again!!!

  12. hehehehe Mehn One! the love i have for this series knows no bounds.. I mean its pricelessly beautiful. mehn Heart Breaks sulk oh Jari, and it sad cause when we date some people ehn, it seems all perfect, and when it ends, it seems so wrong.. Lemme say that in all sincerity, everything gets better in time, and asking GOD for help sure makes it easier.. Mehn I love this post.. Ayo this is my best Post ever on your blog.. Thank you. xx @ Mr Mammann, i see you sir.. Its always nice to see you here. :)

    1. Thanks JohntheBeloved! :-)
      God heals and time makes it go away.. Thanks my dearie for stopping by xx

  13. Heartbreak....well i cried after a long
    Like every step stated there's always a way out...light at the end of the tunnel.

    Don't let a Heartbreak break your life
    I got up from mine, allowed God heal me and pour my energy in my dream...some times I still wish***
    But a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage!

    1. Thanks a lot StRhymes!
      Yeah, sometimes one wishes but the assurance is that God always has our best interest at heart. Best is coming :-)

  14. I got heartbroken a long time ago...He was all I had, he helped with the depression, he knew things about me my mom didn't know
    I had found God thankfully so I knew right from wrong
    I cried so hard when I heard God say it was time to let go
    It took months, I'll get lonely again, cry and call..ever time lol

    I knew it was over when he asked me to perform 'sexual activities" lol
    I wasn't sinning against God! Never!

    It's been years, I've never let anyone in (I liked someone else but I never let it get so deep)

    I still don't have anyone, but God is soooo awesome!
    I know the right person will come, a God fearing person

    1. Amen and amen! Thank you so much for sharing this.

      I believe this came from a deep place and I thank God for what He has already started in your life.
      I pray that God will give you the grace to heal completely and move forward to the great plans He has for you.
      God always does the best! xxxx

  15. Good morning everyone.God be praised always because He has a way of making things happen that wants to make you awwww and that He is with you and have not forsaken you!I have been on this way a couple of time mostly to read about "How some couples waited on God...", it thrills me a lot of times esp. that I love HAPPY ENDINGS.
    I have got issues but never braced myself up to write about it since I relate to this kind of blog(Christian motivated).
    I got the chance and courage this morning just to download my issues(actually I wanted to ask if theres anyone with Gods love in his/her heart who could give me a listening ears,even anonsmously I wouldnt mind but I needed to talk with somebody because I am a no talker too,lol..) but all thanks to God Almighty because He is the seerer of all hearts and I know and I am certain He heard my cries abd the pains if my heart because alas as I opened this blog abd I scrolled down then I found this topic, reading this post got me crying all over again and reading about peoples' experiences in this post seems that they were there just waiting for me....
    After reading and crying I feel a kind of light headed now , will come back .

    God bless you all.

    1. God be praised! What an awesome God He is.. I am glad that our Great Balm in Gilead soothes every hurt and mends every broken heart.
      As people have described their experiences above, God is forever faithful and He never fails to come through for us when we call on Him.

      He is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in time of trouble (Psalm 46:1).
      I thank God that you found this post useful and I pray that God will complete the work He has started in you..

      If you need to talk, please feel free to email

      Thanks a lot xxxx


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