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Thursday, 6 November 2014

Conversations with One: When You Fall in Love with Your Bestie

Hiya! It's another edition of Conversations with One! *cue music*

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed the wisdom of abandoning your career or dream for someone you are in a relationship with. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

This week, our discussion is based on a question/dilemma:
"Help, I think I have fallen in love with my male-bestie. Is it alright to let him know how I feel? Would it make me (as a female) appear desperate or should I wait for him to make the first move?"
Happy ending?
What do you think? To let him know or to keep quite about it? Conversation time!

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Ms PYT: Is this male bestie also into her? Is she the only one falling in love or is the feeling mutual?

One: We don't know if the male bestie is into her too oh... Let's work based on the premise that she doesn't know if he does.. So he may or may not..

Mr NumeroUno: My advise to her - It can be expressed with wisdom in very very subtle ways (by actions and not by vocal speech). 

Shhh..
I believe the lady should not be the first to vocalise her feelings. She can show it through acts of kindness, acts of service, etc. Only, don't make it difficult for him, when it is obvious he is interested.  
How do I know if he is interested? Simple...
1. Withdraw and just play the absent and silent card. If he comes looking for you. Then there is potential.
2. He may be put off or angry at the sudden withdrawal, or very concerned and worried wondering if you are okay. These two actions indicate care, emotion and concern. Which also implies that there is potential. 

If he does not notice the absence, or does nothing about it. Then please open your heart for a guy who cares.

One: Lol.. I love the absent and silent card... But what if the guy too is dying in silence and takes her withdrawal as a sign that she is promoting (abi is it demoting) him from friend zone to brother zone?

Ah-mean, what if Ruth had withdrawn after her insides started tingling at the sight of Boaz (or at least before her mother-in-law gave her expo?)

Mr NumeroUno: One, I think Ruth's case is different. In the sense that we are talking about people who are already best of friends. Not new boy-girl relationships where the foundation is still being laid. So withdrawal should be sort of a test to see if there is indeed something.

Then if we look at Ruth also, she took the necessary action, by positioning. She didn't vocalise affection or feelings until the guy committed.

Ms PumpkinUnited: Eerrmm, I sort of love this question because I have a personal experience in that regard.. My SO (Significant Other) and I started off as besties.. but along the line, I realized I had developed a tender spot for him. Due to the kind of person he is (good-natured and with a large heart) I wasn't sure of his exact feelings towards me, so I decided to use 'woman power' to find out, by watching his reaction when he hasn't heard from me or seen me, etc etc ..I'm a very expressive person but then I'm not good at dealing with rejection so I tried to be careful. In the long run however, I realized the feeling was mutual, we were talking one day and he stated thus - as far as he is concerned, a man and woman cannot be besties cause there's a natural phenomenon for attraction to build overtime (it might not always be the case though) - I just caught that 'rhema' and held it close. So knowing how he felt about me, my expressive self took the bold step and expressed how I felt towards him, and the feeling was also mutual. Fast-forward some two years later and my bestie has graduated from my bestie -> boyfriend -> fiance -> husband to be.. Somebody shout Halleluya.. Loolll..

Ms UTA: Hallelujah! ! God is good; all the time! :-D

Mr Agbalagbaski: Halleluyah oooo.. Beuriful sturvs

One: Lol.. Loving the story Ms PumpkinUnited! Thank God you made the move oh! NumeroUno, I am still pro 'Speak-out'.. Why suffer in silence??

Like Nike, just do it! :-)
I think if you have a very good relationship - up to the point of being besties, not just random friends, you would have shared many '√°wkward' or private things! Be open, I think it's the way its presented..

She knows the way they communicate, and can say "Dude, I have to be honest with you, things have changed for me..." Please are there any guys who have had this conversation with a female friend (bestie or very close friend)? I would like to know how it turned out :-)

Ms TrueTalk: Hallelujah! Ms. Pumpkin United.

I feel a 'bestie' relationship between a boy and a girl cannot go on without a moment of attraction; especially when they have been together for a long time and grown to the age of having boyfriends/girlfriends. It can either turn out to be a mutual feeling or an awkward moment.

I would go with One on this - make your feelings known if not verbally, but through gestures. Don't bottle it up or expect him to just 'know'. Not expressing yourself may end up straining the relationship.

Now, what did I do again!?
Ms PumpkinUnited: I remember my bestie turned SO asking me back then "whom better than to marry if not your best friend, would you rather marry a stranger and start getting to know yourselves all over?"

One: Lol.. I agree.. Save yourself the stress :-)

So, I am still asking oh, has anyone done 1 or all of the following:

1. Told your male/female bestie that you had feelings for them (Pumpkin has dealt with this one).. If you have one with an alternative ending please let me know
2. Didn't tell your male/female bestie and they ended up with someone else.. Any regrets?
3. Didn't tell them but did the pulling away technique.. How did it turn out?

Ms PYT: I told my friend's brother I was in love with him and he just didn't say anything .‎ *Covering my face*.

Was his face a bit like this? lol
One: Hahaha.. This got me laughing out loud! Pele PYT... Please tell us in a little more detail warrapens now? :-D

Ms Hope: Hahahhahahaha please let me laugh at this one.

Ms MIA: This is really tricky for me because like Ms Pumpkin said, rejection is tough for anyone let alone for a sister....shaking already!
I have a near experience I can share. I liked him from day one of being friends but didn't want any more than that because I was dealing with a heartbreak. Dude wanted us to be an item but I insisted on being friends. Then he takes the friendship position after many months of trying to win me over. Fast forward to nearly one year of friendship and I start to dig the dude. I even got a tinge of jealous feelings when other ladies paid him attention. I did all the subtle-ness to hint him but my guy didn't respond, I even staged unnecessary quarrels but it didn't work. So I took a last resort and had 'THE' convo and guy was no longer interested...*sadddddface* (I got over it anyway...lol!).

You see, what it is is that... I'm kinda like no longer interested -__-
One: I get you on that staging unnecessary quarrel! Hahaha.. One day we should talk about the 'extreme measures' we took in trying to get a guy/girl's attention! But mehnnn why can't we like each other at the same time please?? That would save a lot of stress.

Ms MIA: I agree One, this likeness situation needs to start aligning itself somehow though. Ps. Guy found another girl and didn't tell me abourrit! Sadder!

MissMe: Sorry MIA, :-D

Ms MIA: Lol. Note to lady with dilemma, please be prepared for whatever the outcome is. I think that the worst thing that could happen to anyone is to have that lingering 'what if'?' I would say try the subtle approach (recommended by NumeroUno) and if need be, progress to face to face convo (it works for some.....Amen Ms Pumpkin!).
However, I must stress that you be prepared and don't make it awkward. Ask yourself the real questions, if dude does not want this to go further, what do I want? Can I stay friends still or will I need an exit strategy? My mother says - 'No friendship with men and women', although I think it is situational!

.... On that note, we end our conversation and put the question to you. What should she do? Say nothing but subtly send signals to him about her feelings, take the bite and speak to him about it, or something totally different? Also, we'd like to know, have you or any one you know been in this situation? Please share!

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21 comments:

  1. Hiya mamacita....So if I gotta be honest, I have been in this sorta situation before (actually a few times)....and usually what I do is, I talk to him....I just go right to it...I don't wanna bother my head and mind bout something I don't have an answer to....I mean, I don't even wanna assume cuz in my books 'Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups'....so I try not to assume or think for the other party.....I mean, what is the worst case scenario - he says NO and life continues right?...Here is something that the person in this situation must know....there is a line and you are bout to cross it and there is NO coming back from that....this person is 'supposed' to be your male-bestfriend right?...First of, I don't think women can have guys as bestfriends anyway cuz I feel like the guy is just hanging around until the torch gets to him...(#strictlymyopinion tho')....having said that, if he sees you as a friend or a bestfriend (cuz you never really know) then dropping that bomb on him will change the entire look of the friendship you both have going....cuz...if he says YES, then you know too many things bout each other and you can easily speculate his next move which is not always healthy...and if he says NO...then you guys can NEVER be friends again....cuz there is NO way in hell, you would be comfortable hearing bout his ordeals with other ladies and he won't be comfortable telling you stuffs again and that will cause you both to start withdrawing from each other.....sooooo like I said, it is a line you should not cross unless you are ready for whatever his answer might be......buh you need to ask yourself this, 'Are you ready to let go of a friendship you know bout for a relationship that may/may not be?'...if your answer is Yes!...then good....if you are not sure then just enjoy your friendship with him and hope to God that some day, he sees you in that light....

    Its's been a while mamacita...


    Tibs Tells Tales

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    1. Wow.. Thanks a lot for this very insightful comment! that is really something to think about.. Are you ready to sacrifice that friendship? You are right, things may never be the same again - are you willing to take that risk.. Well, I say, love is a risk.. But then again, there are some friends not worth losing!
      Mehn mami, it's a catch-22 situation.. Because whether you tell him or not, you will still feel uncomfortable with him talking about other ladies..

      I am firmly with you on that - girls and guys can't just be besties without feelings coming into play.. It is really really difficult not to get emotions involved..

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  2. So this piece cracked me up a lot because it brought back some old and forgotten memories. Lol.
    So here it goes : There was this young, vibrant, Holy Ghost filled, tongue talking christian Bro that I played the absent-silent card with and it kinda like totally failed, shattered my heart and pride mercilessly *lol* we met in the church (university days) and we bonded so fast cos we had plenty in common. Above all we were both zealous and just wanted to reach the whole campus for Jesus. Alleluia! So there we were praying together, reaching out to others with the gospel, laying hands on the sick and just doing 'em Heavenly duties. Can I get an 'amen'? Then one day, I suddenly noticed something seemed to have changed. Some butterflies had been let loose in my stomach and they did 'flip flops' the moment I set eyes on him. But what do I do about this? became the question that plagued me everyday. So I talked to a friend who asked if I noticed any difference in him. I said I did so we made the plan to give him the absent silent card. Well, lo and behold it FAILed! He got worried about me and asked questions but I guess I just got too carried away and he retreated too.
    During the send-forth for his set, the organisers who knew we were close but couldn't figure out what happened asked me to talk about him. After the farewell speech, we sat to talk after close to year 'silent treatment' and then he said liked me soo much but was shocked abt my attitude towards him, hence his own retreat. We talked some more but somehow in the times that we were both silent, other people had entered our lives.

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    1. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! I enjoyed this but sad at the ending.

      Hugs*

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    2. Abisola!! Thx for sharing. I am not a promoter of the "silent treatment" - neither outside or inside a relationship. I am sometimes tempted to do it, but when I come to my senses I think - why?? why do I need to cause unnecessary headache and artificial chasing/wondering for someone else.
      But as Tibs said, having "the talk" is like a point of no return, at least in many situations. Some of my friendships continued, but they may have lost a certain innocence that marked them before. However, sometimes it is worth it, too much vagueness can cause confusion.

      Another option I would suggest to a lady is - at the appropriate time!! - to challenge him - without necessarily revealing your own feelings. "Hey, where is this going?" Or, if he invites you, to turn it down and say, "I don't feel comfortable meeting you so often while the state of our friendship is not yet clear."
      Then he has to come up with sth, without you giving away too much information ;) I can actually talk from experience, once a girl approached me and asked what we are doing lol I think boys/men sometimes enjoy fun/closeness without commitment, so you have to push them towards responsibility - it's not good, but it is often how it is...

      My one-size-fits-all answer is of course to pray, but I really mean it. These kind of things are not easy to figure out and God needs to give you an awareness of the situation, the timing, the "strategy", a potential future etc.
      @Ayo: By the way I LOVE the pictures and the captions that so often perfectly fit the context. They give me a smile many times, making the content a little bit more humorous and accessible :)

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    3. Aww, Fehintola!! So sad to hear the outcome.. That's the danger of keeping quiet - missed opportunities!
      Like one of the panelists said you live the rest of you life thinking 'what if?'.. And it's those fellowship brother-sister relationships that contribute to this a LOT! Here, you get to see the great qualities of the individual and you're thinking to yourself, "He/she would make a fantastic spouse!!" - These great qualities are probably why you are besties in the first place.. (PS, so glad to have you on here dear! :-) :-) xx

      Sebs, thanks for your very practical take on it as always! Let me touch on something you said, - boys/men sometimes enjoy fun/closeness without commitment - This is sometimes not done on purpose but they can detach themselves from romantic feelings (or while pursuing another) yet be very close/friendly with you (this goes both ways actually).. To avoid disappointments and heartbreak, just have the talk in my opinion..
      Like I said, the outcome is also dependent on the way that you present the topic.
      Personal example, I am usually quite real, particularly with my close friends. There was this guy who I became really close to. initially it was really just friends but I grew really attached to him and had the talk as per "I think we are being to close for comfort and we are setting ourselves up for a not-too-nice outcome".. It was important to have that conversation so that we would help each other - Don't smell what you don't want to eat!

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    4. @Akibo, thanks for the hugs. Yh, very sad I know.
      @Sebs, ur take on the matter is truly practical just like Ayo mentioned.
      I'm soo gonna stick to the one-answer-fits-all cos I have tried the 'appropriate time challenge' too. Here that story goes: *lol*
      Rewind back to late last year... There is this young man I'v been friends with for a while and we had gotten so close that although we were in different states of the federation, we were so up-to-date on each other's lives (amean, half of my salary was going into glo's act and his to mtn's. *lol). So when I realised feelings had changed, I decided to speak to him about it. You know, the usual 'what exactly are we doing' n 'where is this headed' okay, so that night he became quite uncomfortable and edgy and I was really hurt. So I took a drastic step i.e deleted him from BBM and blocked him from other social media (yh, drastic, I already told ya!) cos I needed space to link my wounds and re-assure myself talking to him abt it wasn't the 'stupidest' thing ever. Abt a week later, he came out to say he wanted to be committed. I couldn't believe it!! It worked!!! But it didn't last because alongside came this sickening feeling of 'maybe I bullied him into this' things were fun for a while but eventually we broke up on "irreconcilable diffs' grounds according to both of us but I am still unable to shake that feeling of 'maybe he was never that into me and I just forced him into it'
      *covers face and retreats back into my shell*

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    5. @Ayo, thanks. I absolutely love being here.

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    6. Wow.. Do you know Fehintola, I am actually proud of you that your took the risk of expressing yourself to him.. It may not have worked out ultimately but at least you know you did something about it...

      In my opinion, it's important to guard one's heart and not be kept on a string.. If it happens fine, if not, then fine (in Jesus name hehe)..

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  3. Oh my, I've had this situation both ways...1st is was a really, really good friend being interested in me, nice Christian guy, attractive etc. One day he was telling me about someone who he really liked at our church but refused to tell me who it was...After begging and prodding for him to tell me who...he revealed that it was me. I had absolutely no feelings for him other than being my good friend I told him he was joking and just about laughed at him. Well fortunately for us we remained good friends because I valued our friendhsip a lot. He eventually got married a few years later and re-located and we lost contact. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, he was a nice guy, attractive but because we were like best friends and he confided so much to me, I was not interested.

    The second senario is I got to know this intelligent, hansome, ambitious nice Christian guy in college. He introduced me to his parents and siblings, invited me to his church several times etc. and all these actions made me believe that he liked me. I really really liked him a lot but I was afraid to ask the question. Well...I wote a post on my blog a couple years ago how that ended. It's a tough call and like Sebs said prayer can be the answer, If we ask God to show us a sign or reveal to us, perhaps then we'd save ourselvs a lot of heart ache.

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    1. Thanks dear HF for sharing those experiences with us!

      @Guy1, mehn, that discussion is not an easy one to have but kudos to him for going for it.. I must say that when a friend starts saying you should guess who he likes, there's a high percentage that the person is you! lol...(note to self, if not interested, try to divert that conversation - "Oh, look at the weather!" lool)

      Oh I would love to read the story of how it ended with the 2nd guy! I think there was a definite blurring of lines there - however, I must say that when you like someone, every action is a sign.. True or false? But I still maintain.. Let's help each other, if you don't want to go all the way, don't act like you are! Plix brethrens and sisthrens, let's help one another in the Lord! (In plain words, don't do things with him/her that could infer that you want something more! {{big hug}} HF.

      I agree, praying about it seems so 'simple' yet it is so powerful!... Let God show you the way.. It may not come as quickly as we want but He knows how to make things very clear xx

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  4. Omg! This is so timely. I am currently in this same situation. Been close friends with this guy whom I always thought liked me cuz of his actions but whom I had no feelings for. Fast forward to months later, I realized I liked him and was no longer sure if he liked me or not. I prayed to God to show me his true feelings and then a friend told me she asked him about us and he said he never saw me that way. As I do not want to be heartbroken I have decided to withdraw. He's asked over and over again about why I've changed and if he did anything wrong but I dont have it in me to say why cuz I fear rejection. Anyways, he's not contacted me in days and this is is the longest we've gone without communicating so I guess that's the end of that. I really admire those who have the courage to speak up and move on if he doesn't feel the same way, but I honestly don't think I can handle the rejection. Still praying about it though and constantly ask God if I'm doing the right thing by staying away. I've just been feeling like if a guy (Even God) likes you, he won't give you any reason to wonder how he feels about you - He will explicitly make his feelings known to you. Oh well..

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    1. Yikes! Why don't we just fall in love at the same time biko? It will make things a lot easier!!

      I don't really know what to say.. However, I do think that if you are friends, it is important tp be honest with him.. He will sure be wondering "What did I do wrong??"... Like Tibs said, it may mark a turning point in your relationship.. beth to be honest, there's already a turning point in your relationship!

      What do you think? Is it worth coming clean in a friendly way and then work on the outcome or would rather let it slide and hopefully go away?

      All the best hun, I pray that God will give you the wisdom to take the best course of action with no hurt involved in Jesus name.

      And I agree with you, if a guy likes you, he won't give any reason to make you second-guess... most of the time :-) I had to put in that caveat 'most of the time' there because sometimes, guys get shy and are afraid of rejection too! That's why I believe that communication is key! xx

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    2. I believe a conversation is always needed with situations like this. And while things might be awkward, they can be salvaged

      I do want to stress that we sometimes make things that are gray, black and white. For example, the friend might have misinterpreted what the guy told her or he might not have been entirely truthful for whatever reason

      Also, a guy might really like you and might have asked you things that your response told him there's no hope there. It can really be fuzzy and a conversation or series of conversation might help

      I do not necessarily think once you cross that line of asking a best friend and it doesn't work that you can no longer be friends. It might take a while but it can work

      A guy isn't God, and he might also be confused. He might have made mistakes in the past and if he doesn't see a way out now, he might not want to pull you into it.

      There is just so many things that might be happening

      I am very much for conversations because even if there is rejection, it is a safe place for that.

      And yes, please do continue to pray and most of all, follow God

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    3. Plus things might have changed or will change for him as well per you.

      Regardless as you rest in God, He will make things clear. He will craft your love story beautifully.

      And less we be carried away, the true love stories are those that face the test of time, love that chooses you when you aren't at your best, love that tarries with you through the storms, through the dark days

      True love isn't about romance although it can be accompanied by that high spirited romance

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  5. Nice post. I loved reading everyone's experiences. I'm also a firm believer in the fact that guys and girls can't be 'just friends' or should I say 'just best friends', feelings always tend to show up at some point.

    I've kinda being in the situation as well. We were friends for quite a while. I liked him at some point, then didn't like him again, then liked him, then... (you get my drift). Anyway, late last year and early this year, I really, really liked him and we kind of got into the convo where he revealed that he really liked me as well. Anyway, due to other factors, we never got together and I'm no longer interested in him like that. We still talk every now and then, but that's about it.

    @anonymous 04:44, I'll still say speak to him, what if he was lying to your friend? Or was too shy to talk then? You might not speak to him about it directly, but drop hints. Don't just shut him off like that. I don't think it's fair.

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    1. Thank you! I actually responded to the comment before reading yours.. You said it right,it's a bit unfair to let him keep second-guessing himself.. If you are good friends then let him know - not to make him react to it but to give him that respect of honesty.. right?

      How are you doing babe? Long time! Hope you are great? Hmm, about that situation - that is the thing about life sometimes - even when you are kinda on the same page, other factors come into play too! I am really glad you spoke to him about it, andhis response was good too.. Do you know, I believe that if the dude/lady in question is a gOOD friend, they would not make you feel awkward about it.. Initially yes, (they are human afterall) but ultimately, you find a way somehow..

      God help us..

      Thanks a lot for stopping by and sharing hun. God bless you loads xx

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    2. Well, I wasn't really the one that brought it up. We used to tease each other about stuff like that regularly and on that fateful day, I teased him about it again and he was like 'you know what, let's just talk about this'. Then he went on to reveal his own side of the story (despite the fact that he didn't think the feeling was mutual on my side, little did he know) and I did the same. However, if he never brought it up, I could have. I don't really think it should be that big a deal if you're both really close friends. Even if the other party isn't feeling the same way, they shouldn't make you feel horrible about it (well said Ayo). However, in all of these, wisdom is key, especially as ladies. You don't want to come off as desperate. Like someone said earlier, just pray about it and ask for direction from the Holyspirit.

      I'm very well dear, thank God and thanks for asking. I noticed you were MIA for a while and I'm sorry I didn't check up on you. Hope all is well?

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  6. "Other factors..." They always seem to interfere! It's not easy oh...

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  7. Lol at 'caught the rhema'. You can be best friends with the opposite sex, and that is the end.

    As for me, I believe in showing green light if you fall into that situation. Flash the green light, so he will know you like him, without you talking. If he responds, great. If not, then the feeling aint mutual.

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    ReplyDelete

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