So, I was going through my archives and saw a response to an email sent by one of the readers of this blog who I also consider a friend on how to maintain a relationship without sex by God's grace if you had already been sexually active. I posted the email HERE and welcomed your responses to her as she really wanted support.
Below is an excerpt of the response I sent to her. Just to add that if you are also in this situation or struggling with something similar, God's grace is more than sufficient for you. It's never too late to do the right thing by God (as long as you have breath) xxxx
First of all, may I just thank you very much for sending this email, I am indeed very humbled - and also may I say well done for the courage and strength it took you to pour out your heart in such a way.
Honestly, the first step to change or getting a solution is acknowledging there's a problem and then also voicing it out, not keeping quiet and not staying in isolation. I pray that as you typed each word and wrote to me, that the Lord who sees it all will give you an answer Himself and show you the best way out.
I have been meaning to respond to your email but I have just had to take a moment to really think/pray about it ask some of my close friends for advise as well as to answer you in the most appropriate way by God's grace.
So, the situation you're in is one that can be very difficult but nevertheless it is very possible to embrace the best that God wants you to have.
I will go on to the practical things I could suggest but first may I say that the most important thing is finding that peace and mercy from God. Like I said in my last post, He's a God who is willing to give a 2nd, 3rd, 4th.. chance without any form of condemnation or 'I told you so'.
1. You need to go back to God. You know the way your relationship with God is or how you want it to be. Ask Him for mercy and let Him forgive you and give you peace and grace to do want He wants, how He wants it.
2. If your boyfriend is a Christian like you, you need to have an honest discussion with him. Let Him know that you want to make that decision to do the right thing. Please don't do this in his house/room, your house/room or an intimate place where only both of you are. Choose somewhere public and as much as possible, do it face-to-face. Don't worry if you can't manage a face-to-face meeting, do it somehow. (I pray for God's grace)
3. In order to be real with you, I will have to say that you would most likely have to take a break from that relationship. You need time apart to heal and if at all the relationship is meant to be, let God orchestrate it. Throw yourself at the feet of God. If you continue to see him in that way, the triggers will always open the door for you to keep on going back and repeating what you don't want.
The truth is that sex is a very enjoyable act. It's lovely, it feels good so our body wants it, likes it and would usually respond to invitations but you and I need discipline to ensure that it is only done in the right context. Let the fear of God inspire discipline in us. Not because we don't naturally want to do it, but because it please God to hold back. Let us be accountable to Him.
My sister, ask God for grace, trust me if you ask sincerely, He would answer. He wants to help you, He really does.
Stay away from the relationship for a period, so as to get back on track again and get strength to recover. What has helped me are things like messages, books, write-ups - I will recommend people like Joyce Meyer, (Late) Pastor Bimbo Odukoya, T.D Jakes.. Read books about sexual purity and abstaining from sex before marriage. Let the word of God and encouragement fill you up during this period.
Occupy your time. Sometimes loneliness makes us do certain things that we would normally not do. Whatever it takes, even if it means enrolling in classes, hanging out more in church, hanging out more with friends, just get busy!
Get good friends! I cannot tell you how much having wonderful godly friends in my life has made such a huge impact on me. Your friends matter a lot. You need to surround yourself with people who will build you up, encourage you to do the right thing, give you sound advice, help you when you fail - to dust you and then tell you to start again and help you along the way. Friends who can hold you accountable so that they can give you that 'warning' when you're treading on dangerous grounds. Friends whom you can confide in (I will be happy to be your blog-friend :-)
I know it may seem like you may not get back with him or that he may leave or that you would not get over him and I definitely appreciate the fact that you love him very much. 5 years is a worthy investment! (wow, well done hun!) BUT, you can have 10years of courtship and have a lifetime of misery in an unpleasant marriage or 7 years of blissful relationship and eternity without peace of mind and without God - there's no comparison at all.
Nothing beats knowing that you have God's full approval. It's worth a temporary heartbreak. God knows how to reward obedience excellently. At this point, I want to share a story of another blogger whom I respect and love and whose story I feel will inspire you by God's grace
(You can also read some of her life stories to help)
I could write and write but it's not a one day thing or there's no manual that is the authority on this, asides the Bible.
But I will be very happy to be a buddy during this time and pray along with you for strength and courage to do the right thing.
I am soo proud of you and I can bet that God is prouder!
Lots of love,