Monday, 9 May 2011

The Other Woman....

Hi my lovely lovely blogsters!

I am writing this blog post being inspired by one written by an amazing fellow blogger, wailacaan, check out her fantastic, witty and down-to-earth blog here and the said post here


In summary she shared with us how one of her male friends was finding it difficult to move on after 2 years of breaking up with a girl that he thought and felt was 'The One' (Coincides partially with the name of the blog lol)..

*Side-Note - What is it about finding 'The One'? Why can't we know immediately, without a shadow of doubt when we meet such a person? Wouldn't it be oh so fantastic to have a bell embedded in us that goes 'tinkle tinkle' when we meet The One'? Life would be so much easier.. The One and I would have been tinkling our way to happily ever after by now! *sigh*

Anyways, digression asides, her article made me think about my own experience of 'The One that got away", but I am writing from the perspective of 'the one that got with the one that had a one 'that got a way'... Get my drift??? Ok, let me re-phrase that. I am writing from the perspective of the new girl that met the guy who feels he lost the one that got away.. Clearer? Ok don't worry, I will get to the gist of the story in a bit....

The most dangerous kind of guys to be in a relationship with include:
1.  The one that just recently broke up with his long-term girlfriend.
2. The one that his long term girlfriend cheated on him which led to the break-up.
3. The one that just broke up with his beloved girlfriend because of irreconcilable issues such as genotype, culture, parent disapproval.

In a nut shell, if he feels that he just lost 'his one that got away' or may I rephrase that, his 'perceived one that got away'.

This can be one of the most painful and disappointing relationship experiences. It feels like you are competing with an unseen other. You may never seem to match up to the idealistic imagery that he has in his mind of his 'one that got away'. It makes you feel as if you are inadequate and it can be esteem-blowing to be compared to someone else and appear to come short.

Let me tell you about this wonderful young Christian man I met last year. He ticked a lot of boxes in my ideal man - Yes, he was tall and good looking, yes he was very charismatic and a real 'peoples' man, yes he was friendly and down to earth, yes he seemed responsible, acted maturely and was a leader in many ways, yes his thoughts and aspirations of the kind of husband and father he hoped to be were admirable and YES he loved the Lord with all His heart.

Good news was he showed that he was interested in what he saw (moi :-) and acted as such.
It was nice to finally meet a Christian brother that had all the good qualities and was looking to settle down.

The only snag was that I always felt  that he was holding back in a way. We ladies can be quiet intuitive and can read some unspoken language that the guy may not be expressively saying. At first, I was not able to put my finger on it, sometimes things were so good that I convinced myself that I was just looking for what wasn't there but the truth was that when I felt the relationship should make a progression to something more committed, he kept holding back.. To be honest,  it was very frustrating and I had to exercise patience.. praying that God's will be done.

On paper everything was good but nothing was happening. I realised then that he had a 'One that got away' and even though he downplayed it and reiterated that they could never get back together for some important reasons, it was hampering the promise of a new relationship with him.

I feel that he kept holding out with getting into another relationship because in his mind he kept comparing other girls to his ex and they kept coming short.

The problem with being in this situation as a girl is that sometimes no matter what you do, you would still come up short.. I know some ladies have experienced this and they try and try and try and... (you get my drift).. The thing is the problem does not lie with you, it does not mean that you are not a good enough girlfriend material, it does not mean that you are not caring or wonderful a person enough, it means that he has an issue that he needs to deal with.

Truth is, it's not you, it's really him. You need to recognise this and stop beating yourself about not being the 'right enough' girl for him. You are all that and much more but unfortunately, he is blinded enough not to see and recognise the great person you are. And what a loss for him!

If you happen to be in this predicament, don't accept half of him, don't settle for less than the best! If he is not ready to make you no 1 then he does not deserve you at all. Like a famous preacher said 'You deserve to be celebrated and not tolerated in your relationship".

If needs be, give him some space to get himself together and sort himself out. Pray for him that God would give him the grace to heal from his broken heart and emotional attachment because it is a difficult thing indeed for him as well. But you need to guard your heart and ensure that he is not making you feel bad about yourself or doubt yourself as a woman!

Lots of  love xx


  1. Interesting article, and makes so much sense too. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Great article! I never thought of this oh, but it's so true. You will always fall short cause deep down he's still in love


  3. Hi dear,

    Giving him space might be the best option. He needs to sort out his feelings and make a decision. And you need to guard your heart.

  4. I also think giving him space is the right thing to do. Accepting half of him will only lead to a "1/2 relationship."

  5. Thanks ladies.. I agree with you and I'm giving space there.. Will keep you all updated.. (Jaycee and Myne, long time!) xx

  6. Aaaaw, thanks for the mention!
    I've been the the girl that got with the guy who had a 'one that got away and it sucked like a rotten lemon! He had more baggage than a flight heading to Nig from Jand and I had to find the exit because it was driving me crazy.

    Love your perspective.


  7. Thanks Waila, lovely to have you visit :-)
    God bless you xx

  8. Very interesting post.. to be honest I've been the guy in that situation. Not a pride inducing experience, but a powerful one for learning.

    Grace is needed, but without candor, that grace is easily wasted. The guy may just be struggling to admit or even realise just how deeply the experience may have affected him, insert Grace 'here'!

    As with me, I'd say the guy needs space and time, not from any particular woman, but all relationships with that nature of intimacy. Emotions can be like tadpoles to handle.

    I usually prescribe time and space after any such intimate relationship, but obviously more so in instances such as this...

    And if the guy/girl is a Christian that time and space should be spent focusing on GOD!..

  9. Hi Oluwatoyin! Always lovely to have a guy's perspective! And an 'experienced' one at that...
    Thanks for your candid view on the topic and what I must say is excellent advice.. xx


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