A little introduction for first-timers:
As always, candid and very brief responses will be wonderful! Please give personal/real-life examples where possible.
Let's talk!
NubianPrincess: It's a pretty sensitive one to be honest... I'm insanely close to my family and so I would like my SO to have some sort of a close relationship with them, same as I would strive to have with his family BUT within plenty reason.
I once dated this dude, guy told me one day, that I was too close to my family, especially my sis and I shouldn't share so much with them... For some reason it rang alarm bells in my head. Needless to say, the relationship didn't work out.
Mr NumeroUno: Please who/what is SO?
One: Lol, Numero Uno! SO is your Significant Other = Fiance/Serious Relationship person as first introduced used here by NubianPrincess...
Ms PumpkinUnited: SO is a 'koro' term for Significant Other, as in your 'boo of life' as in your 'chocomilo', as in your 'kuchykuchy'...
Mr NumeroUno: Lol. I love Chocomilo
One: Lol.. MsPumpkinUnited, that's where we will see you in action!
NubianPrincess: Lol..
You see, I'm not unreasonable, I don't expect all the details of my married life or relationship to be shared with family but there can be some danger in isolation, and when a man tries to 'isolate' a woman from her family or create some enmity there, one should shine eye ooh!
One: It's true, bells should start ringing loudly if a man or woman is trying to isolate you from your family!
NubianPrincess: A friend dated this guy who used to abuse her - physically and emotionally. Step one was to isolate her from her family and friends. Then he started bending her to his will slowly, 'lovingly' and forcefully. Then abuse started. She became a shadow of herself in a very short time.
While I'm a firm believer in hubby dearest being numero uno in my life after God, I also think that women especially need a firm support system in place for after they're married and this can be in the form of biological family, church family or trusted friends.
Mr Agbalagbaski: I agree with Nubian, not alarm bells only, but war bells should be ringing! One of my tests (I hope you agree with me that tests are allowed right?! if you agree let me hear you say 'Whoooop Whooooop!!!') is that before things get serious I do a siblings test. if there's no connection then it's a warning sign for me.
Apply with supporting documents please
One: Whoop Whoop!!! I agree with you on tests lol.. That's a definite one for me.... I have to definitely watch the way the person relates with my family.. If it's not there, that is F9..
I am sorry, I do expect the 'going out of your way to be good to them' and cultivating their friendship. If you knew me, you would know that that's hugely important to me! So if the interest in them is tepid like the question suggests, I would feel very uncomfortable being in that relationship.
Mr Agbalagbaski: We are taught in pre-marriage class that what you get in courtship will be overflowing in marriage. What's at stake here in marriage - A) He'll tolerate your family. B) Don't expect him to change suddenly.
In response to the question, I would strongly prescribe the following:
The only person that can change is you. the answers to the question aren't straight-forward but there are things for both parties to consider if the relationship is truly worthwhile. having done all to make peace and he/she still doesn't budge, then re-consider the relationship because you are heading for a lonely relationship.
One: Nice one Counsellor Agbalagbaski! I am taking notes myself as some of the things you listed above are things I could take for granted... Thanks!
Ms PumpkinUnited: Quite an interesting topic.. Permit me to indulge in a bit of holistic plagiarism, NubianP actually spoke my mind.. I also believe that there's a reasonable extent to which SOs should get along with each others family, it must not be that kuchykuchy kinda bonding in all cases..as long as they relate well, they don't have to be besties cause it is not something to be forced, some people are good at that going the extra mile thingy to bond and do 'parakpo' things and others are not, it doesn't mean that they disregard family.. The bonding will happen if it will.. as long as my SO is not trying to isolate me from my family or does not appreciate nor show respect to my family, we are cool.. but note that if he treats your family like trash, he will treat you worse than trash..
One: Haaa the extra-mile thingy is a BIG criteria for me ohh! Very big.. Infact, you need to get to them to get to me.. Plus it helps that my family are absolutely amazing (:-D) so if you don't get along with them, I suspect you lol
Ms PumpkinUnited: I would really love for them to all get along really well and bond really well like one big happy family, you know, eat poundo and okro soup together from one plate ..but hey, it's enough for them to get along, all the other going the extra mile is cool and of course desirable but then its not a criteria for me, or yardstick..some people just bond from the word GO while others bond little by little overtime..
Mr Motivation: For me, I feel that how one's SO regards your family mainly depends on the perception they have about how you relate to your family i.e. if the bond between you and your family members are tight, it is expected that the SO should endeavour to establish a sound relationship with them as well. So I recommend that people should avoid slagging off their family members before their SO just because of a moment of disagreement with a given family member. The impression you create of a family member can be lasting.... However, I totally trail down the lines of thought of Ms Hope, in the sense that if you indeed truly love your SO, the love should be in whole and not in parts given that he/she comes from a family.
One: Preach! I love that angle! I think the way you portray your family matters so much! Even if they are not 'all that' at the moment, still try to 'big' them up.. In the long run, it pays a lot.
Ms Hope: It's important for my sweetheart to be in sync with the family I'm coming from. Some people might be indifferent about this but for people like me who grew up in a closely knitted family, it means a lot. I should embrace his family while he embraces mine.
The guy/girl who truly cares will go out of his/her way to develop a relationship with the other's family/siblings because he/she should be aware of how important it is to his/her sweetheart.
One: Yes Madam Sweetheart :-D
Mr Motivation: Having said that, some families may tend to be more difficult than others due to reasons best known to them eg tribe, religion, past history, exposure, or other personal biases or shortcomings etc but it doesn't eliminate the role of the SO attempting to keep a good relationship with the family. I know of a couple that despite several attempts of the lady to get along with some members of the hubby's family, it seems to be be futile but she still endeavours to reach out and I believe with time she will break through. Love conquers all things.
One: Amen oh! Sometimes, some families are very difficult! However, I believe that love for your partner would inspire you to try as much as possible to get along with them + God says so - "As long as it lies with you, be at peace with all men" Romans 12:18 (Even the 'ayamatangas!' < Sorry no known English translation for this one :-D)
Plus, is it even important to bother at all?
Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.
Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!
Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!
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| First, let's take a selfie! source |
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!
You can have a look at the last conversation where had a very lively discussion on the importance and role of money in relationships/marriages. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.
Ok, so today's discussion is from a question/dilemma:
"My fiancé is absolutely amazing and I thank God for him. The only thing that concerns me about our relationship is that he doesn't quite get along with my family members. They talk quite alright but he doesn't really go out of his way to get to know them or bond with them. I'm really close to my family and I wonder, should I be worried??"
So ladies and gentlemen, here we have it -
You can have a look at the last conversation where had a very lively discussion on the importance and role of money in relationships/marriages. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.
Ok, so today's discussion is from a question/dilemma:
"My fiancé is absolutely amazing and I thank God for him. The only thing that concerns me about our relationship is that he doesn't quite get along with my family members. They talk quite alright but he doesn't really go out of his way to get to know them or bond with them. I'm really close to my family and I wonder, should I be worried??"
So ladies and gentlemen, here we have it -
How important is it for your Partner or SO to get along with your family? Can it be a deal breaker for you?
As always, candid and very brief responses will be wonderful! Please give personal/real-life examples where possible.
Let's talk!
**********************************************************
NubianPrincess: It's a pretty sensitive one to be honest... I'm insanely close to my family and so I would like my SO to have some sort of a close relationship with them, same as I would strive to have with his family BUT within plenty reason.
I once dated this dude, guy told me one day, that I was too close to my family, especially my sis and I shouldn't share so much with them... For some reason it rang alarm bells in my head. Needless to say, the relationship didn't work out.
Mr NumeroUno: Please who/what is SO?
One: Lol, Numero Uno! SO is your Significant Other = Fiance/Serious Relationship person as first introduced used here by NubianPrincess...
Ms PumpkinUnited: SO is a 'koro' term for Significant Other, as in your 'boo of life' as in your 'chocomilo', as in your 'kuchykuchy'...
Mr NumeroUno: Lol. I love Chocomilo
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| I love you like Chocomilo! |
NubianPrincess: Lol..
You see, I'm not unreasonable, I don't expect all the details of my married life or relationship to be shared with family but there can be some danger in isolation, and when a man tries to 'isolate' a woman from her family or create some enmity there, one should shine eye ooh!
One: It's true, bells should start ringing loudly if a man or woman is trying to isolate you from your family!
NubianPrincess: A friend dated this guy who used to abuse her - physically and emotionally. Step one was to isolate her from her family and friends. Then he started bending her to his will slowly, 'lovingly' and forcefully. Then abuse started. She became a shadow of herself in a very short time.
While I'm a firm believer in hubby dearest being numero uno in my life after God, I also think that women especially need a firm support system in place for after they're married and this can be in the form of biological family, church family or trusted friends.
| A strong support system = Very important! |
Apply with supporting documents please
One: Whoop Whoop!!! I agree with you on tests lol.. That's a definite one for me.... I have to definitely watch the way the person relates with my family.. If it's not there, that is F9..
I am sorry, I do expect the 'going out of your way to be good to them' and cultivating their friendship. If you knew me, you would know that that's hugely important to me! So if the interest in them is tepid like the question suggests, I would feel very uncomfortable being in that relationship.
Mr Agbalagbaski: We are taught in pre-marriage class that what you get in courtship will be overflowing in marriage. What's at stake here in marriage - A) He'll tolerate your family. B) Don't expect him to change suddenly.
In response to the question, I would strongly prescribe the following:
- Heart to heart discussion to find out the root cause of the actions (not 'naggingly' but with wisdom).
- Find out if there are things that you are doing that's making him/her uncomfortable/threatened.
- Pay close attention to him/her when you're at your family (study his/her body language) you will generally know some tell-tale signs.
- Make sure that he/she is inclusive in conversations.
- If you are not from the same tribe, take extra time/care to interpret/ reduce the language he doesn't understand.
The only person that can change is you. the answers to the question aren't straight-forward but there are things for both parties to consider if the relationship is truly worthwhile. having done all to make peace and he/she still doesn't budge, then re-consider the relationship because you are heading for a lonely relationship.
| No one should be in this position |
Ms PumpkinUnited: Quite an interesting topic.. Permit me to indulge in a bit of holistic plagiarism, NubianP actually spoke my mind.. I also believe that there's a reasonable extent to which SOs should get along with each others family, it must not be that kuchykuchy kinda bonding in all cases..as long as they relate well, they don't have to be besties cause it is not something to be forced, some people are good at that going the extra mile thingy to bond and do 'parakpo' things and others are not, it doesn't mean that they disregard family.. The bonding will happen if it will.. as long as my SO is not trying to isolate me from my family or does not appreciate nor show respect to my family, we are cool.. but note that if he treats your family like trash, he will treat you worse than trash..
One: Haaa the extra-mile thingy is a BIG criteria for me ohh! Very big.. Infact, you need to get to them to get to me.. Plus it helps that my family are absolutely amazing (:-D) so if you don't get along with them, I suspect you lol
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| Go the extra-mile, even if it means wearing something 'special' |
Mr Motivation: For me, I feel that how one's SO regards your family mainly depends on the perception they have about how you relate to your family i.e. if the bond between you and your family members are tight, it is expected that the SO should endeavour to establish a sound relationship with them as well. So I recommend that people should avoid slagging off their family members before their SO just because of a moment of disagreement with a given family member. The impression you create of a family member can be lasting.... However, I totally trail down the lines of thought of Ms Hope, in the sense that if you indeed truly love your SO, the love should be in whole and not in parts given that he/she comes from a family.
| If you don't have anything good to say, say nothing |
Ms Hope: It's important for my sweetheart to be in sync with the family I'm coming from. Some people might be indifferent about this but for people like me who grew up in a closely knitted family, it means a lot. I should embrace his family while he embraces mine.
The guy/girl who truly cares will go out of his/her way to develop a relationship with the other's family/siblings because he/she should be aware of how important it is to his/her sweetheart.
 |
| Close-knit |
Mr Motivation: Having said that, some families may tend to be more difficult than others due to reasons best known to them eg tribe, religion, past history, exposure, or other personal biases or shortcomings etc but it doesn't eliminate the role of the SO attempting to keep a good relationship with the family. I know of a couple that despite several attempts of the lady to get along with some members of the hubby's family, it seems to be be futile but she still endeavours to reach out and I believe with time she will break through. Love conquers all things.
One: Amen oh! Sometimes, some families are very difficult! However, I believe that love for your partner would inspire you to try as much as possible to get along with them + God says so - "As long as it lies with you, be at peace with all men" Romans 12:18 (Even the 'ayamatangas!' < Sorry no known English translation for this one :-D)
| Left < Example of an Ayamatanga family member lol - You have to love them still though :-) |
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And that's it from us.. I would be interested to see if there's anyone who has seen or experienced situations where getting along with one's partner's family members was particularly difficult.. Also, in addition to Mr Agbalagbaski's very helpful tips, what other things do you think could help to build relationships between families?Plus, is it even important to bother at all?
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