Thursday, 2 April 2015

Conversations with One - I Can't Deal with their Past!

Hello and welcome to another edition of Conversations with One!! Happy New Month as well! It's the month of April and we are excited!! May showers of blessings be upon you and yours in Jesus name.

No long intros today, let's cut right to the discussion today, right? :-)

"I am in a relationship with this lovely person - very special and I care deeply for the person (I could almost call it love). However, recently I found out something that they did in the past. Even though it is in the past, it is now affecting our relationship as I can't get it out of my mind. Do you think it matters? Should I just call it a day now. How do I handle this?!"

So, ladies and gentlemen, what do you think?

'How much should the past affect the present/future?'
Ms MIA: If I found myself in this situation, I would ask myself a few questions before even attempting to make a decision on this matter:
- Do I love him/her? I can see from the first sentence that they are not sure they love the person in question
- What has he/she done and are they remorseful/repentant?
- If need be, have they restituted for that past error or are they willing to if God leads them in that direction?
- Are they willing to move past that error themselves? Only because you may be willing to forgive yet the person hasn't forgiven him/herself.

If the answer to these questions are positive, then I will go ahead with the relationship. To start with, it's not my own error. Secondly, since the person is a Christian I believe that once they repent and God leads them on the path of forgiveness and restitution (for some), there is then no condemnation.

Image result for repent and let go
Where there is repentance and God has forgiven, there is no condemnation
One: Hmmm, that's interesting.

Ms MIA: I learnt something today from a gospel teaching that Christ died as the atonement for sins and the reason for forgiveness therefore we shouldn't expect it from people. This means that I am meant to forgive people who hurt/offend me because of Christ and the price He paid, not because of them and what they did or can do.
My last two questions are really for the sake of the partner and in order to have a peaceful relationship because it's just too hard when people lock themselves in chains of unforgiveness even though they ought to be free. This bondage affects many couples in today's world.

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Inability to forgive yourself can be a huge bondage.. Break FREE!
One: Thanks a lot for this Ms MIA. You're right, it's important to check if the person has forgiven themselves. It can be a huge shackle and stumbling block in the relationship if the person themselves won't let go.
On the other hand, while forgiveness is the way forward,  how about if I cannot bear the thought of having someone with that particular past as a spouse? Eg something that might have a repercussion or consequences?

NubianPrincess: Like Ms MIA said, I think it really boils down to 3 questions:

1. Do you love the person and are you convinced that he/she is God's best for you?

2. Can you live with the thought of what the person has done without anger or condemnation or unforgiveness?

3. If there are consequences from the past mistake, can you live with the consequences and be happy?

If the answers to the above are all yes, then I think the person can go ahead with the relationship.

But if there is any doubt as to the acceptance and love you can show the person without throwing the past mistake in the person's face at every turn, then please hold on, take a break, pray about it and then make a decision.

Especially as Christians, (again like Ms MIA said), if the person has truly repented, there is no condemnation, so we too cannot set ourselves up as judge over others. If the person is a good person, has genuinely repented, and adds to your happiness, then I'd advise you go ahead.

Image result for judge others
You have no right to play Judge and jury!
One: Great points and questions to consider. Do you think the ability to accept the past and go ahead with the relationship depends on individuals as well? What's your tolerance threshold?

Miss Me
: Yes One, I do think it depends on the person themselves as well. Some people in their nature can easily let go of things and look ahead whilst some do not let go as easily. If the past offence is already a considerable issue while courting then it will only become an even bigger issue in marriage.

One: Very true!

Miss Me: Obviously if this is somebody you believe and are convicted that you can make a home with, then of course God is more than able to heal the person and let it not be an issue. But you also have to be willing to let go.

Frankly speaking, spiritually and practically pray about it, speak to someone trustworthy, it's also worth letting the "offending" partner know why and how you're struggling with the offence and then make your decision after careful God-led consideration.

: Brilliant point. Indeed, it is important to communicate how you feel to your partner. Communication is key!

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It is important to be open in communication. Lovingly convey your thoughts to them
NubianPrincess: Let me give an example to "buttress'' the point again... We were having a discussion in my team at work a few weeks back. We're two girls and 4 guys.

We had asked the guys if they could marry a girl who's had an abortion. One guy said no, and the others were very open to marrying her, saying who hasn't made a mistake and all that... However, when the point came to what if the abortion(s) have affected her ability to have children, they weren't as quick to answer.... After a lot of thought, 2 of the guys were like "nah...." But the other one was like sure... that they'll explore adoption etc

Essentially, it boils down to personality... Like Miss Me said, some people have a low tolerance level and some people have a high tolerance level... You need to know what works for you... You need to COMMUNICATE openly so that you and your partner understand the challenge you're facing and maybe even that discussion can help allay some of your worries. Also, speaking to a TRUSTED, WISDOM-FILLED person is important and can help you really see the issues as they are...

Most importantly, you need to PRAY!!! The Holy Spirit always has a way of calming us, guiding us and giving us peace about the decisions we must take! :)

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Don't neglect the important place of prayer - to ask for direction, peace and grace to handle the situation
One: Thanks for drawing from a live discussion and sharing what seems like a mini opinion poll :-).

Ms UTA: Let me take it further... What would be your reaction if the person had committed cold blood murder as a former leader of a cult while in university? This one is hard oh! A murderer? The lady would sleep with one eye opened should they get married, lol

NubianPrincess: Mur-gini??

Hmmmmm... This one is hard ooooh!!! I'm very tolerant usually, but I already have a lot of issues sleeping at night... How will I manage if I know hubby dearest has killed before? Will I be next? My children nko? Will I be comfortable leaving the kids with him?

Hian! This is a different ball game ooh... GOD has to show me a living vision and confirm it through a number of people and maybe speak directly from heaven before I will 'gree ooh...

Then what will I tell Mummy and Daddy Nubian? Or my sister? Or I won't disclose?? I have to disclose oh, incase I go missing one day...

Ahn, One... This one has passed me... My heart rate has tripled just now...

Let me make a cup of Earl Grey and relax.... Murder... God help us oooh!!!

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Blood on their hands?!
One: Loll.. NubianP, calm down! 
One of my friends who became a toaster had told me previously about him being in a cult. I suspect (almost 100%) that he's killed quite a number of people in his lifetime. He was the leader. 

If you saw him, you would never believe he could harm a fly. Good looking, very kind and considerate person. He's a Christian and you cannot imagine him being in a cult, not to talk of harming someone else.

To be honest, when I slightly considered the possibility of being with him, his past came flashing up like a neon sign! I was thinking of the spiritual and physical implications oh! However, I believe that if he showed beyond a shadow of doubt that he was sold out to Christ, I would definitely consider it. (And ask God to talk to my family, haha)

I think discussing your fears would depend on the relationship you have with the person. If you cannot discuss it then check your friendship (it's very hard though, I must confess) because you don't want them feeling bad about themselves on your account. (Particularly something they've told you in confidence)

Ms PYT: I think it's easier to point fingers at people when we are on the other end of the game.
If only we knew everyone's past, I wonder who we'll talk to.
The past should remain in the past and forgotten.
To answer Ms UTA's questions. most cultists were either forced to join or suppressed to peer pressure. Most cultists don't announce that they were once cultists or hit men. As long as the person is a changed person and his character doesn't reflect otherwise, every other thing is irrelevant.

To the main topic
I sometimes wonder as Christians if we really practise what the bible says. It's easier to love someone when everything is going fine. To be honest, when a person's past can affect their future, then it's really worth thinking about.

: Hmmmm definitely something to think about... If I had a 'past' would I want to be judged by it all my life? 

Image result for judged by my past
If no, then why can't I extend the same grace to others?
To be honest, it's easier said than done.

Guys where are you?! We need male opinion(s) as well! :-D

Mr Motivation
: I intend to be very very I once heard Mike Murdock say "What you say is not as important as what people remember" and it's based on this statement that I give my comment.

One: Proceed sire, proceed!

Mr Motivation
: You see marriage is for life and by that being so, one must be careful not to carry along any baggage that may cut short a journey that was meant for a lifetime. My reason for this is that, it is imperative that one must forgive and do all things necessary to forget, because any reminder of the past through spoken words have the potential of destroying what was meant to be beautiful.

Miss PYT dropped some 'hot rhema' at the Lounge (our House Fellowship)  and it was based on the scripture Ephesians 5:24 - Husbands, love your wife as Christ loves the church. This goes to show that as a Husband, I must represent Christ and if He was forgiving and forgetting, so must I. So in other words, for me to have a happy and fruitful marriage, I must love as Christ does the church. With that said, e no easy but Grace is made available.

: Nice one, very nice one. I am currently writing an article for work on the sacrifice of love in relation to Easter and Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, and I am having to ask some deep questions to test how deep your love is and mehnnn.. Odikwa very serious.. (I should share the list actually).

When people say "I can die for you!". It may be wise to truly truly think about what the implication is.. If you can die for me, then all these things should be minor.. lol

Image result for jesus dying on the cross
Are you willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice for love's sake?
Like Mr Motivation said, e no easy but grace is made available :-)

On that note ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to join in the discussion. What do you think? What would you do? Would you be willing to marry someone with a 'heavy past'? Or would it be too much for you to handle?

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  1. Hmm. This is not an easy one at all. It depends on so many factors. Even though God has forgiven us for our past, the consequences most times remain, and the spouse must be ready to live with the consequences. So we should as ourselves if we can live with the consequences that might rear themselves up later. For example, many men cannot get married who a lady who slept with their father in their aristo days, etc. So it depends on the degree of the acceptance threshold and the choice to live with the consequences of your potential spouse's mistake.

    Atilola's World

    1. Well said!! My thoughts exactly.

    2. Very very true.. It is important to honestly weigh the matter and check if it's something you can live with

  2. Uhmmmm. If one must go ahead in this case one must consider the Realities of the consequences of our partners mistake...bcos there will be war (in one's mind) along the way.

    the partner in question must also have received Forgiveness and forgive themselves!
    What will Jesus do?

    1. Question of life! Lol.. Indeed, what will Jesus do?
      He will forgive I believe. The extent of His love is amazing!

  3. the fashion engineer5 April 2015 at 09:54 guys raised good points ..I laughed at the 'murder' part loool
    Every one has deal breaker.I dont think I can marry a man who has slept with a certain number of women...forget the dont judge phrase..I will be very disturbed
    if you know you can't deal with it, end it now..for both your sakes

    1. The question is what is a deal-breaker for you? Some people can handle almost anything by God's grace but some people would rather have some people as just friends and not necessarily have to be married to them

  4. Ooossshheheeeyyy Turn Up!! I really loved this read.. It was ghen ghen like that aswear.. Oya Just for the record gang, who ever Nubian Princess is ehhnnn.. Bubba, Can I be like thee when i GROW UP.. Can my Geh friend be liek you toom when she grows up?! hehehehehe Your words cracked me up Like kilode.. Epic aswear.. Plain Epic.. Ms PYT was spot on and so was Mr Motivation.. So Leggo..

    You see ehn Bubba, I might be unable to relate this on a spirikoko level ehnn, but the PAST e haf pass... While i was in Uni.. I used to be very very Judgemental, but when i looked back at my life as i grew older, i realized that I neither had a perfect run.. Hell I had been doing crap since i was 7., so why judge anyone?! Why call an Ex-cultist Evil and make a saint of a fornicator?! i mean we all make mistakes like someboRRy said above, but are the koks of the koko is are we willing to move past it. That said Bubba, another very ImpoRRant maRRa is happiness.. **Draws ear like my Yellow Mother.. If you know.. and i repeat If you know inside your heart of heart.. inside the 'koro' of ya heart, that the other persons past will not affect the relationship and not make you happy, then mbok I beg you in the name of Stanbic Bank... jump am pass and leave the relationshi biko,... A failed relationship or Engagement by all standards is far beRRA than a failed marriage... nuff said...

    Oshheeey Turn Up! 1 + THE ONE, i will like to re-iterate (sure i haf said it before) that this series is one of my confused highlights of your blog toh sure.. It makes me go Yeeeeaaahh mehn all time every time..Mbok please Bikonu.. Ejo.. "Keep dancing like no one is watching.."

    P.S: **Wears Straightest face.. Where is Mr. John Nash.. Mbok lerrim come back quick oh.. And can he gimme a shout out on the blog one day **Covers face... **Pretty please.. I am his number 1 fan and airconditioner and hair drier sef here.. **Wears Mr Nigeria smile.. Cheers Bubba, and Happy new month... Let the people of god say... Ooosshheey Turn uP...

    1. LOL.. I will pass on your questions to NubianPrincess

      Indeed, no one has the right to judge another because we are all saved by God's grace!

      Osheyyy, Mr Nash will hear :-D

    2. NubianPrincess23 June 2015 at 19:07

      Hahahahahahahaha.... How am I just seeing this? Sure thing... Your girlfriend is more than welcome to be like me when she grows up, but I'm pretty certain that will be limiting her!!! Looool

      Thanks for stopping by and Thanks for your comments. Stay blessed!!

  5. Great thoughts, thanks for sharing!


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