Thursday, 23 April 2015

Conversations with One - It's Over! Can I Have My Gifts Back?

Helloooo everyone and welcome to another edition of Conversations with One!

Right, today's question is brought to you on a light note, however it would surprise you how some people take it quite seriously and how it has posed as quite a dilemma to others.

Well, it was a discussion that started off on a radio show (Morning Crossfire on 99.3 Nigeria Info), when the question was asked about what the etiquette was with regards to gifts after the end of a relationship.

Should you return gifts that were given to you during the course of the relationship now that the end has come?

In my head, the answer was quite straightforward but it was very interesting to hear the different perspectives brought on by people who contributed to the discussion - very passionately so!

Now, when you talk about everyday gifts, that's fine but when we go into more expensive gifts like jewellery, an engagement ring, a car, deeds to a house etc, it becomes quite 'complicated'..

Image result for expensive gifts
It's... Complicated
So of course, we brought it to the table and the wonderful people who make up the 1 + The One panel shared their own thoughts... Remember, we only kick-start the convo, please join us by telling us what you think in the comment box below...

Would you keep or return gifts after the end of a relationship?


Ms Pumpkin United: Soo... my bible says the gift and callings of God are without repentance, therefore I think that we should be like our Father innit.. loll except for the engagement ring though ..

Ok on a more serious note, if a gift were given with the intention that we are one already since we are planning to get married eg engagement ring, possession of the title deeds to a house, a car, then it should be returned if the marriage plans have been dissolved and both parties have gone their separate ways. BUT if in a relationship, you buy or get a car or house or some expensive thing as a gift, not because marriage is in view but because "I just love you and want you to have it" (for the guy), exquise me it's mine. Also if in wooing me you decide to go out of your way to spend and buy 'stuffs' for me and I later agree, if the relationship goes awry later on, you shouldn't expect the gifts to be returned.
Image result for returning expensive gifts
Sorry it didn't work out, here you go, you can have your gifts back!
Mr NumeroUno: I agree with Ms Mumpkin United.
It depends on the people involved and the level, the sentimental value, and what sort of gift, and the terms of break up. 

Ms PumpkinUnited: I believe the motive behind the gift will also determine the outcome. If it's given with the thought of spending the future together so whatever is yours is mine, then it should be returned but if it's just based on "I love you, you love me so I got you this gift", no strings attached to the gift, then no need for returns. But where a demand is placed on it to be returned, I will simply send it back, no need to down grade my integrity for a 'piece of meat'.
Some other people will also want to return it just so as to ensure complete closure and that they have nothing to remind them of that relationship..

Mr NumeroUno: For me, if it were amicable, certain things could be simply negotiated within rational and logical understanding. If it were a 'dirty' break up, sometimes, it's best to cut your losses, and allow for peace to reign.

I don't expect a lady to retain the engagement ring if
(1) She initiated the break up
(2) Was unfaithful and caught or something like that
(3) The ring is above $1000 in value.

One: Haa.. So engagement rings have got 'levels'.. lol

Image result for expensive engagement rings in box
Return it? But it's Tiffany's!
Mr Numero Uno: Social norms expect that she decently returns the ring. (He then has the liberty to insist you keep it. That should be at his discretion).

At the same time, I don't expect the guy in particular to demand stuff back. but this one you mention property like land, that's deep...

One: Lol @ land being deep. A gift is a gift right?.. Like someone once mentioned, a gift is different from a loan. If you've given ('given' being the keyword here) - no matter how huge it is, should you then be entitled to ask for it to be returned?
Also, don't some people consider it an insult when a gift is returned to them?

NubianPrincess: I chuckled as well at land being a deep gift...
Seriously though... A gift is quite simply a gift... If there were strings attached to it, then it wasn't a gift in the first place!!

One: Thank you! :-D

NubianPrincess: Which one is gift given with the expectation of marriage and gift given out of love?? Hiaannn!!! See categorisation... Well, I personally believe, that if anyone gives me a gift while we're in a relationship, if it doesn't work out, I'm not returning anything... Will he also return the gifts I gave him?? For me to use and do what?? Save for the next boyfriend?? Or sell and get some monetary consolation from the breakup?? Hmmmm!! I even think it's insulting... So if friendships end also, will we start returning things? Maturity has to kick in somewhere now... We're no longer on the playground in primary school "you're no more my friend, give me back my doll"!

One: Tell dem sista

NubianPrincess: The only thing that gives me pause is... No not the land, or houses or cars.. LoooL! An engagement ring... And even for this, I think it depends solely on the parties involved... You give an engagement ring (no matter how big or tiny) out of love... You love the person and you want to marry them, here is a physical sign of my love and intentions (One, maybe we should do a convo on "Does the size of my engagement ring signal the size of your love for me??" Hahahahahahaha! iKid iKid... Do I??) Anyways, I digress.... Sometimes, you try returning it and the guy is genuinely hurt because whatever the case may be currently, there was love when the gift was given... So this one, I think play it by ear, if the breakup is amicable, have a conversation about the ring... If it's not amicable however (and this is from a 'prideful' standpoint)... Because I detest insults, I will package the ring plus the box, reenact the proposal scenario sef if possible and return your property to you..

One: Lol @prideful.. Sometimes, one just has to do it for the sake of dignity. I do feel that if the person genuinely cared for you while you were in the relationship, he/she would feel bad or even slighted if you returned the gifts.. It also seems a bit childish or vengeful in a way.. 

Image result for give me back my toy
LOL.. Doesn't it seem a bit like this?
Mr Motivation: I feel the reason why a gift should be returned in the first place should be for closure, so as not to remind the other person of what could have been, particularly if it ended badly i.e. this includes the engagement ring. On the other hand, I feel that the reason for a break up determines whether or not a gift should be returned. It is only gentlemanly not to ask for what one has given out of love in the first place.

One: How about giving them away if you don't want to be reminded of the person? #JustAsking.. I think I've done this.. I just gave some of the things away..

Mr Motivation: In the case of a land or car, irrespective of the benefit or security it brings, I feel it should be returned even without the person asking. My reason is simple, what will he or she tell their eventual future spouse concerning such gift? Personally, I don't welcome the idea of my wife keeping the land or car her ex bought for her. If he insisted on her keeping, I will rather the land and/or the car be sold and the money used for something else.

: I like that perspective. I can see how it would be difficult explaining to the new boo why you still have all the gifts from the previous relationship..
Ladies and gentlemen, we've tried as much as possible to share our own candid opinions but we'd like to hear from you! Also, please if you have any, share your real life experiences and how it worked out as well... xxxx

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  1. Interesting thoughts...and perspectives.

  2. I dunno know o! But some items are not returnable! I think the giver should just forget about it, and the person with the gift could give it out...I dunno

    1. Lol.. Like I asked, would you also ask for a refund of the love or affection given as well?

    2. Uhmmm no. That would be harmful, since the break-up is no good news. Let go and let God.

  3. Gifts are meant to be given with a free heart, why expect a return when the friendship turns sour, in relationships, I think the type of gift will determine if it should be returned or not.

    1. That's what a number of people felt - it depends on the type of gift.. But how do you quantify or qualify the gift?

  4. Hello mamacita! **waves** Okay...I dunno bout anyone else tho' buh I think once you give someone something (even if it's not a relationship), I don't think you should think of taking it back....I mean, why give in the first place if you know in your heart that there is the least possibility that you could take this back whenever things go south or whenever you want??....I don't get it.

    1. Me neither Tibs! *confused face*.. Like I said earlier, I would feel a bit awkward and hurt (depending on the situation) if someone returned a gift I gave them..

    2. And heyyyy Mamacita! Always lovely to have you stop by *blowing kisses* MWAH!

  5. i think its very cheap to ask for the gifts if it was a bottle of perfume, stop spraying and return whats left? pls. All gifts i presume are given with love; things don't work out, cut your loses and move on.

  6. hmmmmm. Simple like @Nubianprincess said some level of maturity needs to be applied pls. if we are dating and you give me gifts wo i would keep my gifts o. it is now my own sorry go and buy another one for yourself. If it's an engagement ring i would return it...if it's a car and you insist i keep it oh well God bless you may you have money to buy more cars...but i would sell it and buy a different car so as not to explain to the next boo but why would the new boo question where i got the car from...are you the police?

    1. Lol @ are you the police? Please sista, help me to hask....

  7. To avoid complications just don't collect gifts..... but that would mean your expecting a breakup. Lol
    Maturity would be the biggest factor here.

    1. Haha.. Not collecting a gift would be very difficult in a relationship. Infact, I would be very very suspicious if I were in a relationship with you and you don't buy anything (and vice versa)..
      You're right, it takes maturity and wisdom because each situation is unique..


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