I have a confession.. don't take it personal. I have a confession (please) you gotta listen.. (Thank you D'banj! :-)
Ok, on a more real note, I have wanted to write this post for a while but I haven't had the 'energy' to do so but I feel that it is quite important to do so.
Some of you may remember the note 'Taking it Back Old School' where I expressed how I desired my relationship / courtship to be like and hoped it would work out that way. I think I wrote it a few months to my next relationship. I knew that in order to achieve something, it was important to plan ahead for it. I wanted to 'purpose in my heart' like Daniel in the bible did concerning certain decisions, dos and don'ts in my relationship with the One so that things wouldn't 'just happen'. Summary of the post was that before marriage, I wanted to do zilch / nada / nothing sexually with my intended.. so including but not exclusive of kissing, 'quaving' (I don't know if that word still exists!), petting, necking, rubbing etc etc lol
Anyways, thanks to you wonderful people, I had so many encouragements and comments and 'yes you can!' and 'Yes, I will too!'. It was something I desired intently to adhere to and sometimes I would tell my friends, speak it, plan towards it etc.
So, when I met this Christian, tall, talented, gorgeous human being whom I totally totally 'digged' a few months down the line, I was like YES! Thank You Jesus. It was a very flash-fast point from properly meeting / talking / liking / joy / relationship. In fact, point of interaction to relationship was under 1month (God is good! lol). He ticked all the boxes and the most important thing and attractive for me was his walk/relationship with God (that has the potential to make me fall in love with you in seconds haha + the extra summin' summin').
So the day he 'asked me out' (lol) aka for us to become exclusive, inside I was dancing but I was like ok, before I answer, I just have to set out some things and what I had wanted my relationship to be like so I shared with him the 'Taking it back Old School' vision - that was the deal breaker ( I even showed him the post!).. He was mega impressed and totally sold on it agreeing that it was what he wanted as well and could definitely abide by it by God's grace. Haa I was like singing "Jesus, I love you oh!" lol.
The next few weeks was great! We saw each other weekly (we lived in different cities) and it was lovely, just holding hands and hugs when we see + talking, sharing plans and hopes and vision for the near and distant future - it felt GREAT!... But as the days grew by, my attraction shot up by 1000 x 1000 x 1000! I was like mehnnnnn what manner of dilemma is this one? You mean actually 'no kissing'? Oh my! Lord have mercy!
So, One initiated the first kiss.. Yes I did.. I was just like nothing more, just the kiss (I didn't say it loud, just thought it) and it just felt very good, like *sigh* with a tinge of guilt. But as we know, usually after the first taste, other things are bound to follow. We didn't have sex or go deep but there was some kissing and touching (Lord please protect this post from my mother!).
Anyways, why am I sharing this with you? I want to be quite honest with you. From my heart, this was something I wanted to do ie taking it back old school. Not just for the sake of achievement or punishment but more because I honestly wanted to honour God in that way. I have seen people who have done it and I really wanted to commit my relationship to God and honour Him in every way possible. That was my decision and commitment to Him + there are so many things that have started innocently and small and trivial and have ended in a way that we never expected nor planned and I don't want to take that risk at all!
So, I kissed + more... I didn't 'old school' it at all! BUT, I repent. I want to take it God school by God's grace. We broke off the relationship and in a way I thank God for the perspective it's brought back again. I know it's easier said when you're not in a relationship and the attraction is not there to propel you but I believe it's possible. God knows I sincerely want it to work in a way that is pleasing to Him and in a different way for Him.
I have decided that I won't give up my desire and given the opportunity and grace, I would attempt it again - only by GRACE. I have also learnt a lot of things for my future relationship that I hope to share in coming posts.
Also, may I encourage you that if you made a pledge / commitment / decision and for one reason or the other you have failed to do so, God is wonderful in the way He has mercy and forgives, He never gives up on you and I so don't give up on yourself irrespective of how many times you have tried! I believe that He honours effort and gives grace to achieve.
So, ladies and gentlemen, One is taking it God's School! .... So help me God :-)