There has been a lot of responses and reactions from the Tuesday Waiting and Loving It series and sometimes when I read an email, get a BB message, or read a comment with questions, decisions made et al, I just say 'Thank You Lord'.. Usually there are more personal questions that people want to ask or clarify in a private space and the truth is that people really want to do right by God!
One of the most common questions I get is "How far is 'far'?".. I have written a post about it HERE and I will also share an email I got about it which is a bit more specific.... I am sharing it with permission, hope it blesses you xx
Dear One,
First of all I'm a V (proudly one :) {Team V aka Virgin r us}
I have the most amazing boyfriend on earth. We are heading to the altar as soon as we can. He is not a V, however he has been celibate since we met and has vowed that we are going to wait till our wedding night.
I'm so happy about this as this has always been a bone of contention in my past relationships.
However, we kiss, touch, fondle, quave, had oral, very few times.
We don't get to see often because we live in different countries. When I went to visit him, I stayed in his house because I didn't think it made sense to get a hotel there as he was the main reason I went.
We ve sort of vowed ourselves to each other. Something happened awhile back that caused us to commit to ourselves and God (Don't worry, it was not a blood covenant, lol). In my mind, I feel it is just formality that is remaining. In my opinion that was the day we got married. Because I feel, marriage is when two people commit to each other with God. Abi?
**********
Hello dear,
Thank you very much for sharing this with me and I believe very strongly that you reached out because you really want to do the right thing - that's wonderful. I believe that God loves a sincere heart and He gives grace to those who ask and I pray that God will give me the grace to respond properly.
I am very proud of you and the decision you and your boyfriend have taken to keep sex until marriage - thats wonderful. It's not a decision made only to honour one another but most importantly, it's done to honour our heavenly Father.
Before I answer your latter question about what qualifies as you being married, may I just share something with you. I wrote a post a while ago about "How far is far?" (http://oneplustheone.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-far-is-far.html ) and there I shared this bible passage which states
Simply put, as a chosen, holy child of God, we are not to have any kind or form or type of sexual immorality. Sex has been made for you and I to enjoy with our spouses in the context of marriage. In this context, there is no shadow of guilt, no questions asked, no looking back or second thoughts - the only thing probably on your mind is how can I please this man even more?
While, penetration itself is full sex, there are other acts that are of a sexual nature and I believe should be avoided too.
The truth is that when God asks something of us, He requires full obedience - no half measures. Therefore, if I'm saying no to sex before marriage, then I am saying no to sex before marriage and all its relatives. I hope you understand what I am saying? And you know what? God gives the grace to do it, and also bless you for it.
God loves you soo much and He wouldn't want you to hurt or be hurt in any way - He wants to protect you and protect your interest! My dear, there are some certain things that are left sacred for marriage between 2 people who have decided to fully commit to themselves for life before God - And God knows the reason why He made it so.
To answer your question about whether you can do 'married things' since you are as good as married, I ask 'What is marriage?' or 'What defines marriage?' - I don't think there's one complete human description of marriage because it wasn't created by human beings, it was created by God. God sets the standard. However for your question, you have to ask yourself some questions
1. Does the law recognise us as being married?
2. Do our parents and family members recognise us as being married?
3. If I wanted to make a claim on him, would I be justified to do so before anyone?
4. Is there something to prove that I am his wife or he my husband?
5. If anything ever happened, would I be covered or could he easily walk away as there's no obvious binding evidence of commitment?
6. If either of us died, would the reason for considering ourselves married be valid to present to God?
If you are unable to fully answer the questions honestly with positives then I would please encourage you to hold on until you do the right thing - God is a God of principles and order - Infact His word says let everything be done decently and in order (1Corinthians 14:40). God recognises the laws laid down by human beings too! (Remember Jesus said we must give to Caesars what is Caesers'). Therefore, in addition to the special bond you share with this man, please ensure that you do right by each other - before your parents and the law. Then you can boldy, unashamedly and unreservedly take what belongs to you in marriage - and that is very beautiful!
I hope this helps dear?
I am very proud of you and the decision you and your boyfriend have taken to keep sex until marriage - thats wonderful. It's not a decision made only to honour one another but most importantly, it's done to honour our heavenly Father.
Before I answer your latter question about what qualifies as you being married, may I just share something with you. I wrote a post a while ago about "How far is far?" (http://oneplustheone.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-far-is-far.html ) and there I shared this bible passage which states
'But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people' - Ephesians 5:3 (NIV)
Simply put, as a chosen, holy child of God, we are not to have any kind or form or type of sexual immorality. Sex has been made for you and I to enjoy with our spouses in the context of marriage. In this context, there is no shadow of guilt, no questions asked, no looking back or second thoughts - the only thing probably on your mind is how can I please this man even more?
While, penetration itself is full sex, there are other acts that are of a sexual nature and I believe should be avoided too.
The truth is that when God asks something of us, He requires full obedience - no half measures. Therefore, if I'm saying no to sex before marriage, then I am saying no to sex before marriage and all its relatives. I hope you understand what I am saying? And you know what? God gives the grace to do it, and also bless you for it.
God loves you soo much and He wouldn't want you to hurt or be hurt in any way - He wants to protect you and protect your interest! My dear, there are some certain things that are left sacred for marriage between 2 people who have decided to fully commit to themselves for life before God - And God knows the reason why He made it so.
To answer your question about whether you can do 'married things' since you are as good as married, I ask 'What is marriage?' or 'What defines marriage?' - I don't think there's one complete human description of marriage because it wasn't created by human beings, it was created by God. God sets the standard. However for your question, you have to ask yourself some questions
1. Does the law recognise us as being married?
2. Do our parents and family members recognise us as being married?
3. If I wanted to make a claim on him, would I be justified to do so before anyone?
4. Is there something to prove that I am his wife or he my husband?
5. If anything ever happened, would I be covered or could he easily walk away as there's no obvious binding evidence of commitment?
6. If either of us died, would the reason for considering ourselves married be valid to present to God?
If you are unable to fully answer the questions honestly with positives then I would please encourage you to hold on until you do the right thing - God is a God of principles and order - Infact His word says let everything be done decently and in order (1Corinthians 14:40). God recognises the laws laid down by human beings too! (Remember Jesus said we must give to Caesars what is Caesers'). Therefore, in addition to the special bond you share with this man, please ensure that you do right by each other - before your parents and the law. Then you can boldy, unashamedly and unreservedly take what belongs to you in marriage - and that is very beautiful!
I hope this helps dear?
*********
PS, I also want to share this post on knowing yourself and trigger points in order to protect yourself.. Just like every act of obedience to God, it goes beyond making a decision, you have to determine your boundaries and limitations based on your strengths and weaknesses and ask for grace... http://oneplustheone.blogspot.com/2013/03/how-to-be-in-relationship-ones-school.html
I welcome your additional comments too! God bless you xx
If you have a question too, please email oneplustheone@gmail.com or follow on twitter @1plustheone
We are now on Facebook too - www.facebook.com/1plustheone
Have a wonderful and blessed week xx
I made up my mind to wait and love. I went old fashioned o. No hugs, public meetings, no touching. I realised all the lovey dovey can wait and it brought us closer and closer. I go pray and not hear the Devil reminding me of the quavings, snogging and what nots.
ReplyDeleteMost times, long courtships do not help at all. I think you should write on that.
Hang in there, sister.
Hi Rai, well done! Thanks for sharing your own experience!! And welcome to the blog too!! It is such a wonderful thing to have a 'guilt-free' relationship! You can boldly stand in prayer and no 'accuser of the brethren' is whispering nonsense to you!..
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right - usually it's advised to avoid long courtships as much as possible. Be purposeful about your relationship and be clear on where it is headed.. God help us!! xx
Ayo: your response is on point! I just know you're blessing so many people with your straight talk—I'm one of them!
ReplyDeleteWow... That means a lot to GNG! Thank God, I am so grateful to Him for making this possible..
ReplyDeleteThank you very much.. You inspire a lot! xx
This is really inspiring. from my personal experience, i was celibate till marriage but the in-betweeners was a spoiler for me. I had a strong relationship with God and people knew that about me. my husband wasnt and had huge sexual urges - this was my ordeal. i confided in two women who were going through thesame thing, their responses was that though they were virgins too, they had to give in to pressures for some appetisers while main course was still left till marriage. i gave in too for some touches and smooches but eventually, i felt like the Holy Spirit left me, even someone who had no idea what i had done had a dream to this effect and related it to me. long courtship is never advisable and please stay away from all sexual appearances
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot for sharing your experience Anonymous.. There is so much wisdom in your comment and I am grateful that you decided to share..
ReplyDeleteMay God continue to give us the grace to obey Him completely and to receive good counsel as well.
And may He bless you richly and use you for ALL that He has called you to be xx
This is a great post. I became celibate after giving my life to Christ a year ago, I had also been living with my boyfriend and we were together for about 3 years prior. It was difficult because we were not on the same page about sex anymore. However, I followed God's lead in it all and how I handled the way I talked to my boyfriend about that topic. He did not like it, but knew that I was going to do whatever it took to be right by God. God made it possible to open his ears to what I was saying, and although it was difficult and I fell a time or two, God still had grace and mercy on me. Our relationship grew closer and we got engaged and married last year! God is good and this year since we had a small wedding, we will be doing it big with our family, friends, and new daughter! Jesus is so good :)
ReplyDelete@Lovelyladyjb.. Thank you very much for sharing your experience.. I am really glad that you made the decision albeit tough to follow God's lead in your relationship.. I pray that you mariage will continuously be blessed and that God will make your big day with family and friends a truly memorable one! xx
ReplyDelete