Last week, I got an email from a reader that I would like to share with you as she has asked for your kind advice.. I would really appreciate your comments and I'm sure she's reading too..
I responded to her and would share that later today.. xx
Hi Oneplustheone,
My fiance and I are getting married towards the end of the year and
we have been having sex since the four years we have been together.
Lately I rededicated my life to God and have chosen to be celibate
till marriage.
The challenge now is that my fiance is having none of it. he says I
can't starve him of sex. Each time I bring up the issue of sex, trouble
starts. He says each time I talk against sex, it makes him feel like the
devil.
Please how do I handle this issue? It has seriously affected our
relationship. I'm even scared of going to visit him (we stay in
different states) cause I dont know how I will survive staying in the
same house and how to fight him off when he makes advances.
Please I need Godly advice from you and the readers. God bless you.
***********************************
Like I said earlier, I would appreciate your practical help to this lovely lady..
PS I was so excited to read posts from my favourite bloggers this morning - a lot of people got busy over the weekend! Yayyy! You can check them out by following the links on the right side of the page under the heading 'My Blog Hall of Fame'
Also, I celebrate all the fabulous bloggers who are mothers! May God honour you and bless you for your immense hard work. You are appreciated xxxx
Also (also), I celebrate the beautiful Sisi Yemmie and her Bobo for winning the 'My Big Nigerian Wedding' competition yesterday!! Congratulations whoop whoop!!
Just came to say.....I LOVE YOU!!! Lool
ReplyDelete*kisses* - I love and appreciate you my darling! xx
ReplyDeleteThe problem with this question is the fact that they are already engaged. I think the reader already knows the answer to her own question, but I will still spell it out.
ReplyDeleteSince she has decided to take her relationship with God seriously and the guy no gree, at this point, they are "unequally yoked." It seems weird to put it like that, but they are not on the same page as far as sex is concerned. At this point, she has two choices: (1) break up with the guy and move on (and I know that ain't happening since they're engaged) or (2) give into his demands and carry on (and compromise her relationship with God). The way I see it, she will pick # 2, unfortunately. Ultimately, she has to decide what is more important to her: her relationship with God or marrying this particular person.
As hard as it is to tell yourself the truth; you have to. Your relationship has to take a break like relentless builder said. This is not a case of I know sex before marriage is wrong, we fall off the wagon, ask for forgiveness and get back on. It's a case of I want it because it is the right thing to do irrespective of your new found belief.
ReplyDeleteI have been there, done that. Trust God. Tell God how it will hurt like hell to give this relationship up and trust him to give you someone better - A man after his heart who will love you unselfishly.
Don't blame your fiance. Until the veil comes off, he can never understand. Please give him his ring, mementos and what nots and walk away. Please don't balk under this pressure
Hmmn, Relentless and Rai have both said it and so I can't really say much or anything asides the truth they've painted. In cases like this, you will have to sit down and decide what you want. What you value most and choose it. It might not be easy choosing but I believe you have the Holyspirit within you now since you've given your life to Christ. Tell God how you feel, ask HIM to direct you to HIS word to give you a validation in his word that won't make you come running back to ur fiance when you decide to leave. Pray for strength and ask that God opens your eyes to the abundant grace he has placed in stock for you.
ReplyDelete@ ne plus the one.., great job you're doing here, when I used to read your blog in the past, it hadn't grown this big but now it's so hot and people are learning from you and your posts. Keep growing in grace and strength.
I have a post for you that I wanted to share with you while reading your waiting and loving it. I hope it might help the lady in question as well since it goes on to talk about God's relationship and sex.
I'm posting the Part2 but you can scroll back to read part 1 of the article if you want to.
http://forteebello.com/2013/12/13/why-i-am-still-a-virgin-at-29/
Thank you very much RB, Rai and Glowing Scenes for your comments.. I really appreciate your responses.
ReplyDeleteI pray for God's wisdom for her to do the right thing.
GS, God bless you.. I am definitely going over to read your post! Thank you very much hun xx
It's a bit hard but the truth is both of you have to be on the same page. If both of you can't make decision now how will you make decisions when you're married. You need to genuinely tell him how you feel about this issue and if he truly loves you he'll wait for the remaining few months after all he's been enjoying the body and this is the only time you get to do "shakara"with your body. Don't visit him except you'll be staying with someone.
ReplyDelete@one plus the one..I meant to say I saw a post on the web which I'm referring you to owned by Mandy Dobbleman
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't written by me but It was on point and well spoken. It helped me to understand things better as well.
Okay bye :)
Relentless and Rai have said it all.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is the lady knows the truth already, even before sending the email. She doesn't sound like someone that will put God's will ahead of the man's own, if not she won't have sent the mail in the first place.
I know it's a difficult situation, especially where emotions are involved. But what she can ask herself is, "What foundation am I trying to build before I erect the house of marriage on it? My fiancee's pesters for sex, is he pleasing me or pleasing my body? Does he respect the God I serve, or is more interested in himself?" This is some serious unequal yoking business.
Relentless said it all, only thing I don't agree with is the fact that they are engaged so they cant break up. engagement isn't marriage and we all know a broken engagement is better then a broken marriage which is what will ultimately happen when two people are not in agreement. except she will bear it all when he sees her serving God as rubbish in the marriage.
ReplyDeleteand sometimes, we know the truth, but we need strength to enforce it, words from others can help us truly, I know this from experience.
dear lady, I know you know what to do already, let this be a boost to you. if He isn't a believer and you see the signs already, pls flee. if you really want God to be your nub 1 now, you'v got to let go of all that easily trips u up in your walk with God and you wont lose anything by letting go, God always brings the best for those who trust in Him. don't accept substandard when you can get the best our God can give you.
and don't think that you can change your fiancé, only the Holy Spirit can, He cant understand your identity in Christ until He sees the light.
and if you are wondering if premarital sex is enough to break up over, I leave u with inthe's words "a man asking you for sex has bigger issues at hand. where is his head and the sprit of God within him? He needs to go find his God"
is that truly the man you want to hand over leadership of your life to?
pls pray, seek God's face and ask Him for strength to do the right thing, cuz I believe you already know what it is.
And I leave you with words I had to use when I broke up a relationship where the man didn't understand my life in Christ,that wasn't God's will for me... "Let go, let God."
*Love
Relentless said it all, only thing I don't agree with is the fact that they are engaged so they cant break up. engagement isn't marriage and we all know a broken engagement is better then a broken marriage which is what will ultimately happen when two people are not in agreement. except she will bear it all when he sees her serving God as rubbish in the marriage.
ReplyDeleteand sometimes, we know the truth, but we need strength to enforce it, words from others can help us truly, I know this from experience.
dear lady, I know you know what to do already, let this be a boost to you. if He isn't a believer and you see the signs already, pls flee. if you really want God to be your nub 1 now, you'v got to let go of all that easily trips u up in your walk with God and you wont lose anything by letting go, God always brings the best for those who trust in Him. don't accept substandard when you can get the best our God can give you.
and don't think that you can change your fiancé, only the Holy Spirit can, He cant understand your identity in Christ until He sees the light.
and if you are wondering if premarital sex is enough to break up over, I leave u with inthe's words "a man asking you for sex has bigger issues at hand. where is his head and the sprit of God within him? He needs to go find his God"
is that truly the man you want to hand over leadership of your life to?
pls pray, seek God's face and ask Him for strength to do the right thing, cuz I believe you already know what it is.
And I leave you with words I had to use when I broke up a relationship where the man didn't understand my life in Christ,that wasn't God's will for me... "Let go, let God."
*Love
They are both not on the same page so the guy isn't going to understand her new life. The truth is if she compromises now there are greater issues that would come up later in life that should wouldn't have enough strength to handle. Like @Frances said, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. It will be painful but letting go might be an option. Ultimately, she should pray for wisdom to handle this situation.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm! This is a tough one. However, I do not agree with most of the comments. First of, when they got engaged and before, they were both having sex. Now she has decided to wait, because of the leading of the Spirit, that is wonderful. However, she has no right whatsoever to give her fiance an ultimatum! "It is d LORD who draws near to HIMSELF"...."by Grace were we saved". GOD did not abandon her when she was having pre-marital sex. HE kept talking to her heart until she yielded. As humans. N Christians we are so quick to discard people when they do not conform forgetting that we were once a people like them. The big question we should ask is 'what would JESUS do?' we are followers of CHRIST and that should be at d center of our decisions. Unequally yoked does not come into this scenerio, they both have been having sex and have planned to get married, they had a consensus ad idem. Now that the girl has seen d light, it is her responsibilty to share that light. She should not see it as a problem rather as a means for the name of the LORD to be glorified. "Since I was born, I have never seen anything impossible for GOD". The fact that she has even stopped having sex does not inactuallity make her a model christian. If the HOLY SPIRIT should X-ray her life we may be shocked at the revelations.
ReplyDeleteWhat I am trying to say is that, she should not throw away her fiance on the basis that d veil is off her eyes, she should be proactive in sorting this out! Stop visiting him alone, go with a family member, share with him daily, the blessings that comes with an undefiled bed. Looks for excerpts and writings to share with him, pray with and for him. And do not make him feel like the devil, Christians have a way of doing that. If GOD did that where would we all be.
Take a chance at your fiance. GOD took a chance on us despite our flaws.
Thanks
Danna
Thank you everyone for your comments, I really apprecite them.. I know that there's been a lot of wisdom shared and I pray for God's guidance for everyone in a similar position.. I share my thoughts in the post after this xx
ReplyDeleteIt may be easy for us to say break off the engagement or even throw scriptures at you as to why the relationship isn't right cos we are not involved.
ReplyDeleteI believe we all have experienced different instances where the wrong route seems the most appealing, and this isn't any different.
I believe you need to speak with your fiance about your rededication to God and your desire to be celibate till you get married. Like the previous Anonymous said, take every step to ensure you keep your promise to God. Also, see if sharing your faith will make a difference.I would like to encourage you to keep ur mind open to the Holy Spirit concerning your relationship. As much as you would want him to share in ur faith and beliefs, be careful not to weighed down or dragged back.
Commit this into prayer and be in total surrender to God. Be prepared in your heart to honour God no matter the outcome. If eventually, you have to sacrifice the relationship, be sure that God will reward.*Matt 19:29*
I pray that you will be strengthed in your mind to please God at all times. Trust that God's grace and help is available to you.
Amen! Thank you very much anonymous.. xx
ReplyDeleteI disagree with this one sidedness of the commentators. It is a difficult situation and I'm sure the fiancé is confused with the new perspective. If sex has been a norm for 4 years and so close to the wedding you had a change of mind.. If you truly believe not having sex before marriage then you need to talk to your fiancé. Make him understand your new perspective, your new found love for god. How you came to your realisation. If not having sex is am issue between you two then there will probably be more problems further on. Surely you will have had more realisations which may now differ from your fiancé. Maybe you need to get to know each other again. Communication is key. Make sure he is still who you want, and vice versa. Don't simply follow a path because you've walked it for four years. Four years is nothing compared to eternity.
ReplyDeleteIf I was wearing your shoe my dear, what comes through my mind is to communicate my conviction with my partner of four years. It depends on how both of you relate with each other. If he is your best friend, table your feelings like he is your best friend. Communicate openly not mincing any words but honestly on what your guts tell you about pre-marital sex. Then you avoid meeting with him in closed areas. As much as pre-marital sex is a sin, don't be deceived my dear, there will always be cases for disagreement in a relationship or marriage. All you need is for both of you to talk it out.
ReplyDeleteBut if he doesn't believe in God, my one coin is for you to walk out of the relationship. God should always be the basis in every relationship. Things gets easier for both parties even when disagreements arise.
Thank you very much Anonymous and Ms J.S Bass.. God bless you xx
ReplyDeleteThis saying still goes 'Let God lead'. Try talking to him,its not so easy for him but still if he is a christian, he should understand since he would have you forever. So, my dear, let God lead & open your heart to listen. If he is the one, ask for a sign, the Holy Spirit would not lead you astray. And remember going into marriage with total surrender to His word comes with the best result
ReplyDeleteIt is never late to make an impression, relentless of ur past or ur previous way of life. It is only in God that u can find geniue peace and satisfaction..I say this bodly" Do What Is Right." Stick to God and do his will, if ur fiance truly loves you and not ur body only he will definetly come back. I know this could be difficult but hold onto God cos the strife will not be long.
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot BlessedV and Anonymous for your comments xx
ReplyDeletePersonally, I feel at this point based on the lady's side of the question (because we don't know the man's side), the relationship needs a break because they are not in agreement on one of vital aspects of marriage especially a christian marriage expected to be based on Faith in Christ. It may seem impossible but a few points/questions, I will like to raise is:
ReplyDelete1. How is the lady presenting the matter before her fiancé? Quoting her statement: "He says each time I talk against sex, it makes him feel like the devil." Is she being judgemental in discussing the issue or making him understand that its an act of respect for God's commandments and respect for her as well. I truly believe if they both love and respect each other enough to want to get married, then waiting a few months before the wedding should not pose a problem especially as they are even in different states which leads to my second question/point
2. Is it that in the 4 years of this relationship, once the man wants sex, he calls and you get on the next form of transportation to meet the need? noting that you live in different states.
3.If waiting a few months before the actual wedding (or marriage begins) is an issue for him, I am not sure, the man will be willing to make sacrifices that may demand more from him than abstaining from sex.
4. What will happen in the eventual marriage if the lady for some reason can not engage in lovemaking for sometime, will it become a case of 'rape in marriage' (forcing himself on her) or infidelity (seeking to satisfy his sexual needs elsewhere)?
5. From the narrative, the lady is serious with God and the man is not, it shows there are still some other things they will be in disagreement over (not just abstinence till wedding).
I think a break will be in order to set things into perspective for both of them not just regarding the sex before marriage/abstinence till wedding issue but other issues that may arise from this. I also think counselling with a trusted mutual friend (pastor, leader, friend, mentor) will be in order.
Thank you very much Adrenaline for your very wise comment. I am learning myself. God bless you loads xx
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that I completely appreciate the comment of 'Anonymous 2'.
ReplyDeleteIt's a case of being open minded to the leading of the Holy Spirit in this case and a preparedness for where His direction may lead. It may be for you to wait an pray for his transformation while you maintain your decision or you may need to take a break from the relationship (which may not be the end if God wills). None of those decisions will be easy- not even the choice to maintain the relationship against the will and purposes of God.
The only thing that is constant is the Love of God and that He will be with you to the end come what may.
My dear, please pray for this man genuinely, God wants his heart like He wanted yours and got it! Even if it ends in a break up, pray for him always, you'll be glad you did! Also, do all you do in Love, this is key to sowing seeds of righteousness.
Then I'm going to say- Choose to please God, He WILL SURELY see you through. Trust in Him with all your heart and He will guide your path and lead you in the way of peace xxx
Can I just say that I completely appreciate the comment of 'Anonymous 2'.
ReplyDeleteIt's a case of being open minded to the leading of the Holy Spirit in this case and a preparedness for where His direction may lead. It may be for you to wait an pray for his transformation while you maintain your decision or you may need to take a break from the relationship (which may not be the end if God wills). None of those decisions will be easy- not even the choice to maintain the relationship against the will and purposes of God.
The only thing that is constant is the Love of God and that He will be with you to the end come what may.
My dear, please pray for this man genuinely, God wants his heart like He wanted yours and got it! Even if it ends in a break up, pray for him always, you'll be glad you did! Also, do all you do in Love, this is key to sowing seeds of righteousness.
Then I'm going to say- Choose to please God, He WILL SURELY see you through. Trust in Him with all your heart and He will guide your path and lead you in the way of peace xxx
Thank you for your wise comment Isioma! God bless you! Love is so powerful! I love the part where you say God wants his heart just as he wanted yours and got it! So irrespective of what happens, pray for him and that he will also come to know the love of Jesus.. But through it all, let God come first and obeying Him priority xx
ReplyDelete