Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of Conversations with One!!
A little introduction for first-timers:
Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.
Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!
You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed the wisdom of abandoning your career or dream for someone you are in a relationship with. You can read it and other previous episodes
HERE.
Alrighty, now to this week's topic which came as a dilemma.. Please read:
Is it OUR money or MY money? I am an Executive Director at a bank and my husband is a bank Manager. I earn more than him but as the man, I believe he should still be fully responsible for providing for the family. I believe spending my salary is dependent on how I want to. Am I wrong in wanting my husband to bear full responsibility as the man and head of the home?
Also, during courtship, should this topic be discussed/agreed or should it wait till after we get married?
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| It's mine not ours! |
Money and Marriage!! Hmmm.. It's usually a tricky one.. Interestingly, before this question came, the money issue had come up a few times in the past few days and I have heard a variety of responses with very strong arguments too.. Should we have joint accounts? Can the woman be the bread-winner and have a full-time Dad at home? etc etc.. What's your thought on this? Let's talk!
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Mr Motivation: In view of the topic at hand, I feel that a marriage should be seen as a UNIT and that should be held at the forefront of this discussion. As someone will say, "There is no "I" in TEAM" so money should be seen as "OUR" money and not "MY" money. Having said this, I believe that it is financial wisdom for both couples to also have personal savings as a means of a back-up should the joint account be running low. This personal savings account could also serve as a vessel for both individuals to satisfy their peculiar material cravings. But I must say that financial discipline is vital here, regarding how the personal account is also managed. Just because I have always dreamt of having a Ferrari doesn't mean I will empty my personal savings after having put in a certain percentage in the joint account, to acquire such a luxury at the expense of my family's well-being.
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| Cruising in my Ferrari while my family be sipping on some Garri... |
As for such a discussion being had during the period of courtship, I feel it should take place. By doing so, it averts any chance of disagreement in the future and also aids both parties to be well aware of their partners financial perspectives as well as strengths and weaknesses.
Ms PumpkinUnited: I totally concur with Mr Motivation ..it should be seen from the perspective of a 'we we' thing not 'I , I' considering that in marriage two become one but at the same time also be wise enough for both parties to put something aside for the rainy-day..
One: Thank you very much Motivation! Ok, so you're saying joint + personal savings...
For me, I think if you love/trust someone enough to marry them + share your body and destiny with them, money should not be separated in terms of ownership.. I am strictly team-'what is yours is mine and what is mine is yours'.. No demarcation.
Now this is me saying it but it would be interesting to know how practical it is, particularly when one is way richer than the other...
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| Both not quite smiling to the bank... |
As for discussing during courtship - you know I used to think it was too 'carnal' or at best trivial to be discussing money during courtship until I started to hear how important it was in marriage.. I thought we would just 'go with the flow' but having heard how it could cause major issues, I am all for talking it out before and during marriage too!
Ms PumpkinUnited: Financial talk is a must during courtship. As for when the wife earns more than the husband .. I believe in the school of thought that a woman should submit to her hubby in all things including finances, if indeed we are one and he is the head then let me give him that respect as the man, head and husband that he is, after all we are one, so it doesn't matter who earns more cause in the end, the money is being dropped in a common pool. I know this might sound easier said than done but not when its something you've thought about and willingly taken a decision on before time..
Miss Me: I agree with Mr Motivation. I think it is quite selfish to place the financial burden solely on the man especially when he may not have as much as the woman does. I doubt most of us would want to earn more than the man, the head of the home, but if I do find myself in that situation, it'll definitely be OUR money, as the song says we're all in this together!!! As much as I don't support this notion, I have heard of women who actually have their salaries paid into their husband's account and he manages the funds and gives her whatever he deems fit! This is definitely an extreme but it will definitely help to avoid any financial arguments!! :-) Seriously though, I believe the woman should only keep her money for herself, if the man is able to sufficiently provide for all their needs as well as afford some luxuries for himself! Oh and of course, talk talk talk about it during courtship, but be prepared to be flexible during the actual test!
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| Here darling, here's my pay for the month. |
One: Nice one! Thanks my darling MissMe.. Yes oh, that paying money into the man's account came up in discussions lol.. I actually subscribe to it :-).. Caveat is as long as you have a responsible and loving husband.. Unfortunately, some men would help you squander the money well well.. But may that not be our portion in Jesus name!
NubianPrincess: I never really gave this much thought to be honest till Boo dearest and I had the financial talk and I had to really define how I felt about this area. We're aligned.... Full joint account all the way. Whatever can't be done from the family purse, can't be done!
My parents also have joint accounts and it's worked very well for them. In fact, up till very recently, the banks only recognised my mum. The few times dad will go in, they'll call her to verify. LOOL!
Another example is of an amazing ex-colleague of mine... Her husband foots all the bills in the house, sorts out the kids and gives her "chop" money even, but every month, when she's paid, she takes her salary to him and asks what they should do with it, and he usually says keep your money my dear and prays on it with her. They're very happy in their marriage.
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| God bless my wife's income |
One: Sorry I have to butt in, but mehn iLikee! lol
NubianPrincess: Lol.. Yet another example, my friend earns more than her husband... They've been married about 2 years now. Money used to be a big issue and they used to fight a lot, but one day, she prayed about it and purposed in her heart that money won't be an issue in her marriage. They don't have a joint account but they share bills depending on how things are looking that month.
In summary, different couples know how it works for them and how they handle financial issues. It's a great idea to speak about it during courtship and be flexible. Form your own rules as a couple depending on your unique situation. Also decide who will handle the finances and how you will save as a couple.
And an extra note for the guys: Be open about your finances. Believe me, when the woman knows what's coming in, she's able to save and stretch that much better. :-)
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| Be open, one to another.. |
One: Great stuff.. Thanks a lot NubianP.. And yes, I concur, be open about your income, it helps a great deal.. (That should be a topic for another day - should you reveal how much you earn to your spouse?)
Mr NumeroUno: There are two issues I see.
1. The general principle that should apply to marriages/courtship in general
2. A question specific to a woman who earns more than her spouse. And also believes her earnings should be spent at will, while his lesser earning should be channelled to manage the home.
Let me quickly state that, men are usually the more selfish spouse in general, but in this case, permit me to say this is a selfish view point either in the secular or for a Christian woman.
If you check great men who became great. There is always a woman behind their success stories. A mother who sells her gold to ensure the child finishes school, another who sells akara and buys a common entrance form for the child. A woman who helped a man rise up and climb, etc. The stories are exhaustive.
One: Hmmm.. Speak on NumeroUno! :-)
Mr NumeroUno: While some say the Proverbs 31 woman is a myth, we notice that Ruth is clearly described to be a 'virtuous woman' in fact according to Boaz. Everyone knew she was a virtuous woman (Ruth 3:11).
How many women can accommodate their mother in laws even when her son is alive, let alone when the man dies? Ruth typifies a level of thoughtfulness and selflessness. Everything Boaz gives to her, she shares with Naomi. She does not hide it, nor conceal it.
While it is the responsibility of a man to provide for his household. A good woman builds with him, and does not stand to watch him do it alone. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Man or woman. If her money is not entering a united purse for the development of their home and marriage, then her heart is not there. It just requires time before such a marriage crashes.
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| Where your treasure is, there your heart lies.. |
That said. We must also bring a balanced approach to a united purse. Some men are squanders and reckless in spending. And if the woman is not wise, the man will bring all of them down. So it is not a straightforward answer. In principle build together, and yes discuss it during courtship.
One: NumeroUno! Thanks for not mincing words (as always :-). I like the "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be"... I believe so to be honest.
PS - Thank you for confirming to the world that men are usually more selfish hehehe
Mr NumeroUno: Lol
Ms PYT: Relationships differs, so what works for me might not work for another person.
In a normal relationship, it's our money. Both parties should bring their money to the table. I believe in joint account and also a separate account as a woman. It's absolutely important to have my own money and account.
It'll be selfish of me to expect my husband to take full responsibility when I earn more than him but it is absolutely important for the man of the house to take up some important responsibilities if he can afford it. I have a friend who earns more than her hubby and she has been taking the full responsibility of their needs but now that her hubby earns a lot, he still expects her to take more responsibilities while he spends his own money on unnecessary things.
One: Huh?! Really? Now that one is topic for another day...
Back to you ladies and gentlemen, what's your take on it? Should it be My money or OUR money? Would you have the money talk with your partner before you get married? Please share xx
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