A little introduction for first-timers:
Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.
Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!
You can have a look at the last conversation where we had a very interesting discussion on the importance of your significant other/partner getting along with your family. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.
We present to you the topic of conversation for the week:
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"Does it make sense to make career sacrifices for someone you are in a relationship with (not yet married to)?"
Now, we know that love makes us make many wonderful (?) decisions... Do you think it is wise to give up a dream or lucrative job/business or opportunity because of someone you're in a relationship with?
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| Confirmed like this? :-) |
Mr Agbalagbaski: There's a difference between 'not yet married to' and 'enroute' one. If you're enroute towards one, then necessary sacrifices are important. As mentioned, one needs to make sure that discussions have taken place and you're convinced before leaping.
One: That's a new one 'Enroute'.. lol
Mr NumeroUno: I echo Mr. Agbalagbaski.
Love as most of us might agree in itself is a risk. Furthermore, marriage in itself is a risk. So if one has to wait until one is married before making sacrifices. What happens to those who do and yet end up in divorce?
Look at it this way. Am I going to go on a boat across oceans for fear of a plane crash? Will I never go on the motorway because I have seen accidents or have been told road accidents occur ever frequently? Of course I wouldn't take such extreme cautions.
Rather, if necessity requires a trip via air, I'll rather take the necessary risk, pray as I embark on every journey, whether by road, air, rail or by sea. That is what faith is. Trust in God is constant and requires renewal day after day, again and again and again.
In the same vein, we are not prescribing stupidity and throwing caution to the wind. Please be sensible and be like David. Before you embark on a journey enquire from God. Shall I go? Are you in this?
Mr Motivation: I think I lean towards the line of thought of NumeroUno...lol. But will also like to add that the terms and conditions in a relationship vary from that of a marriage. Hence highlighting the need to define where that relationship is headed i.e. purpose of being together. With that being the case, decisions to be made at the relationship level should be one that serves as a catalyst to reaching or achieving the desired objective or purpose, which ideally should be marriage. Decisions in a marriage setting on the other hand should be one that ensures the sustenance of the marriage and enhances the quality and experience in the marriage.
I have a question for the men - Would you move location or leave your job/career or dream for a lady that you are in a relationship with/en-route marriage (I think as Christians, we go into relationships with an 'enroute marriage' mind anyway)....
Kindly answer with examples were possible.. thanks *smiles*
Mr NumeroUno: It depends on what you mean by dream. If by dream you mean a motorbike or yacht, and the lady says it's not a wise investment for now and prefers a House in Malibu, California. Sure why not? If however you mean dream related to 'God given vision'. I dare say that, such will be an anomaly. Attention is on GOD GIVEN. A woman is designed to be help-meet. Call me conservative, but I don't think we can say men are given that same job description by God.
If my calling and next assignment is in Port Harcourt, and I'm currently in New York, and Madam is already settled in PH. Then there is no qualms moving over to PH.
Or to be more practical. Assuming I'm an Evangelist or Diplomat who moves from station to station and madam has a stable job in a place, I think it is important for her to feel secure, and her input, feelings and opinion as to where home should be is highly crucial and significant. That's an example I can think of to stress that there is no straightforward answer. It will depend on what the dream, vision, purpose, goal and present circumstances are.
One: Thanks Número Uno! I was waiting to read the response from the men because I kinda guessed that it would not be straightforward lol.
One: I appreciate your points. So in clear terms, no a man shouldn't give up his dreams?
Mr NumeroUno: Yes. Job yes! A man can change jobs. Career change is also not too big a challenge. But dream. Hmm! Especially God-given dreams. Men are not designed to change that one.
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Mr NumeroUno: I echo Mr. Agbalagbaski.
Love as most of us might agree in itself is a risk. Furthermore, marriage in itself is a risk. So if one has to wait until one is married before making sacrifices. What happens to those who do and yet end up in divorce?
Look at it this way. Am I going to go on a boat across oceans for fear of a plane crash? Will I never go on the motorway because I have seen accidents or have been told road accidents occur ever frequently? Of course I wouldn't take such extreme cautions.
Rather, if necessity requires a trip via air, I'll rather take the necessary risk, pray as I embark on every journey, whether by road, air, rail or by sea. That is what faith is. Trust in God is constant and requires renewal day after day, again and again and again.
In the same vein, we are not prescribing stupidity and throwing caution to the wind. Please be sensible and be like David. Before you embark on a journey enquire from God. Shall I go? Are you in this?
| True or False? |
Ms TrueTalk: I believe there has to be a certain level of commitment and understanding between the couple to enable such a decision/ sacrifice to be made. You wouldn't want to have a 'had I known' situation some time in the future, most especially if you don't end up with the individual. Also, whatever sacrifices you make should be your ultimate decision, so you don't spend the rest of your life blaming someone else for your "misfortune".
Ms NumeroUno: I learnt a big lesson from a story in Judges 20.
In this story, the children of Israel ask God before embarking on a war with a fellow tribe, Benjamin. God said in verse 18 send Judah first. They went but were defeated by a small tribe like Benjamin.
Ms NumeroUno: I learnt a big lesson from a story in Judges 20.
In this story, the children of Israel ask God before embarking on a war with a fellow tribe, Benjamin. God said in verse 18 send Judah first. They went but were defeated by a small tribe like Benjamin.
So you ask, how can God say I should go and yet I suffer humiliation. It was a test. By the time we get to verse 28 God gave them Victory.
The only time we can say don't be stupid in making sacrifices is on occasions where one has not heard God. If Ruth was playing wise and had refused to abandon her career whatever it was to follow Naomi. She will never have become the star that she is today.
The only time we can say don't be stupid in making sacrifices is on occasions where one has not heard God. If Ruth was playing wise and had refused to abandon her career whatever it was to follow Naomi. She will never have become the star that she is today.
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| Take a leap of faith! source |
Don't be stupid yes. But don't be too smart and too wise to end up cheating yourself. If you have to take the leap, ask God. If He okays it, please go on. Remember even the lost can be restored. So please ride on if God endorses the relationship and the move.
Mr Motivation: I think I lean towards the line of thought of NumeroUno...lol. But will also like to add that the terms and conditions in a relationship vary from that of a marriage. Hence highlighting the need to define where that relationship is headed i.e. purpose of being together. With that being the case, decisions to be made at the relationship level should be one that serves as a catalyst to reaching or achieving the desired objective or purpose, which ideally should be marriage. Decisions in a marriage setting on the other hand should be one that ensures the sustenance of the marriage and enhances the quality and experience in the marriage.
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One: I love that!
Mr Motivation: In summary, decisions in a relationship should have as a guide, the end goal (marriage) as a basis and that of marriage should be its sustainability and quality of experience. Above all, every decision in both circumstances should always obtain the required divine backing, for every godly decision brings PEACE (Isaiah 32:17)
One: The men have come out in full force for this one! Niceee.. iLikey! Thank you very much. It's interesting that your opinions are very similar :-)
Mr Motivation: In summary, decisions in a relationship should have as a guide, the end goal (marriage) as a basis and that of marriage should be its sustainability and quality of experience. Above all, every decision in both circumstances should always obtain the required divine backing, for every godly decision brings PEACE (Isaiah 32:17)
One: The men have come out in full force for this one! Niceee.. iLikey! Thank you very much. It's interesting that your opinions are very similar :-)
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| League of Men :-D |
Kindly answer with examples were possible.. thanks *smiles*
Mr NumeroUno: It depends on what you mean by dream. If by dream you mean a motorbike or yacht, and the lady says it's not a wise investment for now and prefers a House in Malibu, California. Sure why not? If however you mean dream related to 'God given vision'. I dare say that, such will be an anomaly. Attention is on GOD GIVEN. A woman is designed to be help-meet. Call me conservative, but I don't think we can say men are given that same job description by God.
If my calling and next assignment is in Port Harcourt, and I'm currently in New York, and Madam is already settled in PH. Then there is no qualms moving over to PH.
Or to be more practical. Assuming I'm an Evangelist or Diplomat who moves from station to station and madam has a stable job in a place, I think it is important for her to feel secure, and her input, feelings and opinion as to where home should be is highly crucial and significant. That's an example I can think of to stress that there is no straightforward answer. It will depend on what the dream, vision, purpose, goal and present circumstances are.
One: Thanks Número Uno! I was waiting to read the response from the men because I kinda guessed that it would not be straightforward lol.
Mr NumeroUno: Lol, on a whole I think a woman should be sceptical about a man with no purpose or who can easily discard their 'God given' dream. The self inspired dreams can be polished and realigned by the help of a godly woman. Men can sometimes be very selfish. We sometimes forget to look at the wider picture, and that's where a godly woman comes in.
One: I appreciate your points. So in clear terms, no a man shouldn't give up his dreams?
Mr NumeroUno: Yes. Job yes! A man can change jobs. Career change is also not too big a challenge. But dream. Hmm! Especially God-given dreams. Men are not designed to change that one.
What do you think? Do you agree? Would you give up your job or dreams because of someone you are in a relationship with? Please tell us in the comment box.
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Remember that 1 + The One is very social :-) Please connect with us on:
Facebook: www.facebook.com/1plustheone
Twitter: @1plustheone
Instagram: @1plustheone
Also, if you have any questions or comments please send us an email too oneplustheone@gmail.com
Perfectly said Mr. NumeroUno
ReplyDeleteUnto the Man the Dream (map) is given...if he throws it away he and the woman will be lost and unhappy in the end.
In a case where both of them work together in a organization where corporate policy forbids couples to work together....I strongly suggest that the man should resign (though abi?) or maybe the person with the lesser salary sha
-i know a couple with this kind of experience, the man resigned and he was earning more.
But as for the Man's Godgiven dream, fi Le, don't touch it!!!
Hey ladies run run run if he hasn't Captured an inspiring Picture of his Future even if he has a V-shaped Structure.....shhhhh
@saintrhymes
'That's a very interesting take.. The man should resign? Very interesting.. I think I like lol.
DeleteI think it depends on circumstances really - no one size fits the bill but it is important that the couple are in agreement with the final decision.
Thanks for your comment
Yay!!!! I can now post comments. Dont know what went wrong but I've been having difficulties posting comments here. How are u doing Ayo(am sure u missed me).
ReplyDeleteOk, back to the topic! I think a dream and a career are two different things. While you can sacrifice your career for your marriage, you cannot give up your God given dream(or better called vision) because of marriage. I also think if my relationship is right, it should be able to accommodate my life dreams.
Ezy
Ezy Emmanuel! I have sure missed you... Sorry about the commenting issues, I don't know why it does that!
DeleteI totally agree with you, the right relationship should be able to accommodate your dreams/vision.
I see red flags when a dude/lady wants you to abandon a dream for them.. It just rubs me the wrong way. Adversely, I am super attracted to a dream-nurturer, it's a wonderful quality
For me, the main question here is: What then? If I give up everything to move to another city or even another country, what am I supposed to do there? Is there a job, a calling, a ministry? Of course, God wants us to dare a "leap of faith" at times (not knowing all the details). That being said, if a man chases a woman blindly and follows her to a country with no job and no purpose whatsoever, reality will set in quickly. The reason for that is that there is more to life than just your S.O. If you spend 24/7 with one another, with no money and the drinks-guy chasing you ( see the Winlos recent vid :D ), then boredom, irritation and conflict are likely to arise. As Christians we are meant to work, serve, get involved, meet people etc. - whether as a single or as a couple.
ReplyDeleteAbeg, I've seen it some times... Germans falling in love in Africa, Latin America etc., taking their loved one with them. Problem is, that person is leaving behind his/her family, network, job and often his/her confidence, considering (s)he has to navigate in a new environment, often with linguistic and cultural barriers involved. Loneliness and the feeling of "being out of place" can make one depressed, even if your SO is around. Yes it can work, but often it doesn't. You'll need extra-effort, determination, a sense of calling and a divine triple-portion of blessing ;)
Here is an interesting article describing some feelings involved: http://aeon.co/magazine/culture/chika-unigwe-sorrow-of-migration/
But in either case, it is surely not an easy decision to make. I can testify from my own experience. Distance and other complications can be a hurdle, but one that can be overcome, provided wisdom and courage are both equally used.
I love love your comment Sebs!! If you leave everything to follow another human being, the danger is that after a while the person is not enough! Everyone needs a dream/purpose.. Sometimes, years after, there's that feeling of "Have I missed out?"
DeleteI love the topic up for discussion.
ReplyDeleteI believe in a relationship, the decision to drop a job or a dream has to be carefully considered by both parties as they have to be on the same page so that when things don't turn out as planned they can both work it out together. Sacrifices would be made and they would need to take a leap of faith when stepping out to the unknown.
When its a clear cut vision given by God, deviating from this is a NO from me.
Adeoluwa
Thank you! I think many people are in agreement that when it comes to a vision from God, there's no room for compromise...
DeleteSo I composed a long comment and it disappeared lool
ReplyDeletesummary is, no I'm not sacrificing my lifelong dream which is also my career for anyone
My mom made sacrifices for my dad and stepdad , it didn't get her anywhere
I'd rather remain single, I look out for myself first
Tfe
Awww, I'm so sorry about the loss of the comment... I know how frustrating that can be. Sincere apologies..
DeleteHmmm... I think compromise is important but I believe that it depends on a lot of factors. In life, we make sacrifices for people we love, but it shouldn't be at the expense of who we are
Its not wise, even at marriage you have to think, men can be cruel he might wake up one morning and say he doesn't love you no more but you see that your career will never tell you that.
ReplyDeleteLolll @ your career will never tell you that! Hahaha
DeleteI always admire the way knowledge is spilled on topics relating to this series, its always a ghen ghen something, and inspiring. However, i totally think its not worth it to sacrifice your dreams for love (no matt. how insignificant that dream may be) I read somewhere above that the goal of most Christian relationships is marriage... ehmmm Ayo, i dont accept that fully ooo.. i think relationships are more like a journey in search of companionship, a search... with this point just stated at heart, i think it is not wise to give up your dreams, which most times relate to your future, which most times equals your success all for a relationship. Unless proper discussions have been made by you and your Significant other, and you both have deemed eachother sacrifice worthy. I mean think about it, if you gave up your dreams since childhood for some man, and then he on the last minute dashes off, would you not be confused.com? My point is relationships are a coalition of 2 diffent people who love ( a choice, not an emotion) eachother, and should respect eachothers dreams, and choices. I always say that when i am to live Nigeria or Lagos, i wont force my woman( who has a great life in Lagos) to go with me, i will let her decide, but i will let her know that regardless of how much we love each other, we shouldnt be stupid with our choices,after all Love is a choice, not a mandate or an emotion. Cheers Bubba, this series is always a fun read. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks dearie..
DeleteOk, personally, I believe that relationships are purposeful.. So I don't go into one with someone to see how things go, but because I believe that we could get married.. Now I am not saying that you have to marry everyone you go into a relationship with - that's not realistic, sometimes things happen or you discover that you are not compatible but the thought is that I believe in going into relationships purposefully..
On the main topic, I get your point! It's not always wise to up and leave your location or job for someone who is not fully committed to you..
Wow! My first thought when I read this was no way! As I read the views, I started thinking but it was kind of still no way!
ReplyDeleteI love your comment Sebastian, after giving all up for him, then what?
Personally, I cannot,cannot let my God-given purpose go for anyone, nah, never. If He doesn't even move my dream and purposes forward(as I do his) then wetin we dey do for the relationship?
As for job, there may be situations where a woman/a man has to let their jobs go andrelocate because of their marriages/where their spouses live but lots of thought should go into this.
What if you quit and the man nor marry you finally?
What if you quit prematurely and marriage nor work?
Did you ask God if you should do that when there's no signed,sealed and delivered on the relationship(marriage) before you went ahead with such decision?
A lot of things should be considered before running off and dropping resignation letter for any SO jare.
*chop knuckle*... Please consider and weigh the options very well.. Infact my first reaction would be 'No' then if you consider it prayerfully, go ahead with it if you are at peace with it.
DeleteI second Duru here, I can leave a job, if I really dislike it or if I love my boo more than my job. But when it comes to something am truly passionate about then nooo.
ReplyDeletewww.realcilverly.blogspot.com
Nooo.. lol - I like that..
DeleteBut can you love your job more than your boo? :-)
I will try and share my experience on this topic on my blog very soon. God will not allow a situation occur in a believer's life that he hasn't permitted nor ensured that there's a perfect ending to the situation.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading the story hun
DeleteYes, there is no straight forward answer to this. If it has not happened to you as a Christian, you won't understand. Someone relocated to Nigeria because of me, so I know what I am saying.
ReplyDeletePurpose and job are not the same thing. Purpose and career are not the same thing. Most times, purpose cannot be confined to a location. Anyway, many things come to play in this topic.
Atilols!! You made someone relocate!! hehehe
DeleteHmm.. Are you sure purpose cannot be confined to a location? What if your purpose is to affect the lives of people in a particular area.. Like Jonah was specifically sent to Nineveh??
Nope
ReplyDeleteI won't.
I love you et al
When we are married we can discuss it
I don't promise to be happy to make a career change.
I hope my SO would rather I worked no matter how strenuous the job is
That is why it is called work.
Thank you!! I identify with your comment.
DeleteI remember once while discussing with a guy I was in a relationship with and I was making a decision at the time about moving location etc and I started saying that because of him, I would rather not etc etc and he was like no way, don't let me stop you from achieving what you want.. Do your thing..
To be honest, at that time, my first reaction was Whattt?? That's the most un-romantic thing ever! I thought he would say "Baby, I possibly couldn't do without you" and all sorts of malarky..
Later, I got to appreciate it better as I understood that love is not selfish, love is actually giving the other person the freedom/enabling environment to achieve their dreams/potential..
I am now grateful for that statement and for me, it means more than if he had said what I wanted him to...
The End lol