Conversations with One - LDRs: Worth the Stress or Not??

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a brand new edition of Conversations with One!! The first for the year 2015! (Yeah, it's a week of firsts!)

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed money issues in relationships. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

This week's topic goes thus:

"I met this guy over the holiday and there seems to be a lot of potential. However the only but is that he will be going back to the States and I don't know if a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) is worth a go. I really got to know him over Christmas and his values and mine are very similar and we just... click! What should I do? Please help!!"

Right, people of God, as you may be able to tell, topic for this week is:

Long Distance Relationships aka LDR - To be or not to be?

If to be, what are practical ways to sustain the relationship? If not to be, what are challenges that could pose a barrier to LDRs surviving?

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Miss True Talk: Ha! This topic, I have an answer to - 'to be' o.

My relationship that led to marriage can be termed 'LDR' of sorts: Kano-Lagos relationship. So, I believe it can work out, it's the individuals that matter. Back then, mobile phones were just gaining ground and Blackberry was just for the 'ITS' in the office for office work. Nothing like IM, FaceTime, Snapchat, Skype etc and it still worked out. What am I saying? We were able to sustain our relationship with the distance, and the absence of now present technology, I believe LDRs can work out better in this age.

One: Wow, I wonder how you managed your LDR without technology *eyes opened wide!*

Ms PYT: Hello! I had a long distance relationship with my hubby; UK - Nigeria and it was not easy at all. We were already dating for 3 years before he travelled‎ and what really kept us going was great communication. It's possible to have LDR but both parties have to be on the same page.

One: Thank you Ms PYT! It's really great that the 2 examples given thus far ended in marriage.
Also, please tell us how you made it work? Practical things you did to ensure that you maintained communication, kept going, etc.

Ms PYT: We made sure we talked on the phone everyday and le boo can call ehn! My mum had to ask one day if the calls were free because we would talk for hours.
We also explored other means; Yahoo messenger (I would sit in the cyber cafe waiting for him to come online, lol)‎, Faceboook, Skype etc

One: Lol.. I remember the days of the internet cafe! Lol. I need to ask though, were there moments of doubt? How did you cope?

Remember the days of waiting for an email to come through at the internet cafe? "Oga, give me 15mins extra" lol

Ms PYT: There were times I was just tired of the relationship especially when I needed him to be there physically. One thing I didn't do was to bother myself if he was cheating or not.
As the relationship progressed, I was able to visit him at least twice a year and that kept us on track.
NB: Phone conversation involved lots of arguments and misconception.

Mr NumeroUno: Yeap to susceptible to misconceptions! 

One: I agree, when I was in a long-distance relationship (Swansea - London), my mind was in overdrive.. I wasn't given reason to think far but my mind already had a life of its own so adding an LDR did not help!

I believe before going into one, know yourself, can you handle it?

Ms MIA: I started my relationship with my now fiancé over the phone.....hahaha! I still find it funny but we've known and been close friends for 10 years before so it made it a world easier I must say. With that, there were still moments I wanted to scream and throw it all out cause I felt it won't/wasn't working.

Things that kept us:
1. We set a time we would meet again very early on. From the moment we agreed on the relationship, we set a visit date. That was important for us and it meant that if we survived till we saw, all will be well (phone convo is very different from face-to-face).
2. We spoke a lot about agreeing to the commitment of the relationship. My fiancé wanted us to work so much that he 'swallowed' a lot from me. I guess he understood the difficulty of managing distant relationships so he pushed me until we both agreed that we'll both stick it out as God gives us strength
3. We talked everyday. This one was a matter of priority. We were involved in each others agendas and activities so that there was less room for doubts/fears and it meant that we learnt more about each other. We even used the opportunity to know each others' circle of friends/family.
4. We explored all the social media there was. A time came when we used video messaging more so we could see each other and at least feel close to the other.
5. We prayed a lot. Once I was convinced about this man and that I knew God's plan was for us to spend our lives together, my prayer was to sustain us.

Prayer that sustains...

One: Spoken like a truly experienced pro! Thank God for sustaining you and your fiancé! 

Ms MIA: Lol.. My fiancé showed his commitment so much that I had less room for doubt so personally, that helped me a lot. Therefore I can say that it is possible but let God lead/guide you. I believe that even over the phone, God can reveal a person to you if you seek His will genuinely so you won't make mistakes.

Mr Motivation: I must say that LDR can either make the love in the relationship stronger or worse-off.

One: Really?

Mr Motivation: Yes.. Depending on several factors like personality, commitment, spiritual background, emotional background and even finances (It costs money oh). But the most important of all this is commitment. As the saying goes "Once there is a WILL, there is a WAY". One person cannot be making all the effort and the other is being lax about it; the pendulum must swing both ways in order to have a balance.

Where there's a will, you find a way

One: *Nodding* - Once there is a will, you will explore as many ways as possible #NeverSayDie

Mr Motivation: From my own experience - Swansea, Wales - Abuja, Nigeria (4,109 miles away...lol), what helped was constant phone calls (thank God for Lebara...lol), Skype et al, but above all, God. Had it not been for God and being resolute as to the purpose of having each other particularly in the aspect of destiny fulfillment, I would say we would have been history. Also, accountability matters a lot i.e. having the main objective being to make each other feel emotionally safe by being open as to anything and everything, is crucial. Being emotionally bankrupt in an LDR is a disaster waiting to happen. Times will come when one's mind will run faster than Usain Bolt but what helps is strictly dealing with facts about the personality of who you are with and not fiction.

These amongst others is what I believe helps in a LDR but please PRAY, PRAY and PRAY...... Love conquers ALL things.

One: Thanks for sharing from your wealth of experience! I love how practical you were, thanks..

Miss Me: I like the practical advices of trusting, regular communication and prayer of course. Personally, having been in an LDR, communication was key for us as usually we only saw each other for 3 months in a year. Sadly, this also proved to be a contributing factor to the demise of the relationship. For me communication is very key. Thank God that that we have so many forms of it nowadays (kudos to you Ms Truetalk for coping without!). Even if it's just a text or a one minute phone call, it makes a whole word of difference. I know some people are not talkers, particularly guys, but if you're in an LDR, it's a non-negotiable. TALK TALK TALK. It lets your partner know you're still interested and on the other hand, when the communication stops, it's a 'good' way to let them know you want out! :)

Communication - TALK TALK TALK!

One: Nice one Miss Me! I absolutely agree with you.. Communication is KEY!!
It's more important because you don't have the benefit of body language in addition to verbal language so a lot is left to the imagination..

Mr JohnNash: This is my succinct opinion... Any relationship without communication will die.
Any long distance relationship without long communication will in similar manner die.
I think in a long distance relationship, the guy must man up, be very open to the lady and above all, give her a lot of assurance. It's what women want. Assure her and give her assurance. 

Ms PumpkinUnited: So are you saying the men don't need to be assured and given assurance as well? You make it sound like "shebi it's assurance, I'll give you so you stop whining'..

From my personal experience, it got to a point where it was really frustrating and all but just like Ms MIA said, it helps to designate a time when you both get to see each other physically cause sometimes Skype and all other means of communication ain't just enough. Above all, commitment and conviction matters, if you are both convinced about your being together then you'll find strength you never knew you had, not to mention the awesomeness of prayer.. I never planned to go into an LDR, however these few things have helped me.

Nubian Princess: I personally didn't plan to be in an LDR BUT due to work commitments, the SO is away a LOT!!! And when away, he has the most RIDICULOUS working hours.... (my hours are crazy too sooooo.... )

My pointers would be:
1. Make sure the other person knows they're a priority. We trry, as much as possible to speak first thing in the morning to give each other a run down of our day, so we know when and when we can't be reached, and we speak last thing at night too. Also, if someone calls the other, we try as much as possible to answer, even if it's to say "I'm in a meeting, let me call you back". It makes the other person feel relevant.

1. It cannot be overemphasised... The power of prayer. We have a set time in our calendars for prayer together every evening and we make it a priority... irrespective of where we are (social functions included)... It doesn't even have to be a long, winded, binding and casting type of prayer.. Lol! but praying together just strengthens the bond!

1. Also, speak often of the "promise". What are you walking towards as a couple? Remind yourselves of it often, as it helps to reassure both, especially during difficult or frustrating times... Technology is there for a reason... Skype, Rounds, Whatsapp, E-mail (which you can do at work).... Possibilities are endless...
1. Send each other gifts... If for no other reason, to put a smile on the SO's face....
1. Don't forget to tell each other "You *insert whatever feeling you have here* them!" :)

And they're all 1, because they're all important! :)

Send a gift - Just because...

Ms Hope: Well for me, I can say even in marriage, I'm in an LDR as my husband does a 5 weeks onshore/offshore rotation. It's even more difficult for me cause I'm required to be both dad and mum to the kids while he's gone, asides for having to do all the 'manly' chores in the house... However, somehow I have developed a coping mechanism.
I ensure I update him about all that is going on at home.
We talk several times a day
We don't discount on reaffirmation of our love
And we do plenty of video chats.

To say it's easy is clearly folly, but it is workable with plenty of efforts.

One: Thanks for bringing this important aspect to it - LDMs! Long Distance Marriages.. May God continue to give you both the grace to foster love and unity in your home.. Well done!! 

Well, we've had a good conversation on this one! I actually didn't realise that almost all of us have been in an LDR! 

So ladies and gentlemen, what's your take on it? Worth the stress or not? Please share your experiences too!! xx

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