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Thursday 15 January 2015

Conversations with One - LDRs: Worth the Stress or Not??

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a brand new edition of Conversations with One!! The first for the year 2015! (Yeah, it's a week of firsts!)

A little introduction for first-timers:

Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog.

Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!

Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!

You can have a look at the last conversation where we discussed money issues in relationships. You can read it and other previous episodes HERE.

This week's topic goes thus:

"I met this guy over the holiday and there seems to be a lot of potential. However the only but is that he will be going back to the States and I don't know if a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) is worth a go. I really got to know him over Christmas and his values and mine are very similar and we just... click! What should I do? Please help!!"

Right, people of God, as you may be able to tell, topic for this week is:

Long Distance Relationships aka LDR - To be or not to be?

If to be, what are practical ways to sustain the relationship? If not to be, what are challenges that could pose a barrier to LDRs surviving?

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Miss True Talk: Ha! This topic, I have an answer to - 'to be' o.

My relationship that led to marriage can be termed 'LDR' of sorts: Kano-Lagos relationship. So, I believe it can work out, it's the individuals that matter. Back then, mobile phones were just gaining ground and Blackberry was just for the 'ITS' in the office for office work. Nothing like IM, FaceTime, Snapchat, Skype etc and it still worked out. What am I saying? We were able to sustain our relationship with the distance, and the absence of now present technology, I believe LDRs can work out better in this age.


One: Wow, I wonder how you managed your LDR without technology *eyes opened wide!*

Ms PYT: Hello! I had a long distance relationship with my hubby; UK - Nigeria and it was not easy at all. We were already dating for 3 years before he travelled‎ and what really kept us going was great communication. It's possible to have LDR but both parties have to be on the same page.

One: Thank you Ms PYT! It's really great that the 2 examples given thus far ended in marriage.
Also, please tell us how you made it work? Practical things you did to ensure that you maintained communication, kept going, etc.

Ms PYT: We made sure we talked on the phone everyday and le boo can call ehn! My mum had to ask one day if the calls were free because we would talk for hours.
We also explored other means; Yahoo messenger (I would sit in the cyber cafe waiting for him to come online, lol)‎, Faceboook, Skype etc

One: Lol.. I remember the days of the internet cafe! Lol. I need to ask though, were there moments of doubt? How did you cope?

Remember the days of waiting for an email to come through at the internet cafe? "Oga, give me 15mins extra" lol
Ms PYT: There were times I was just tired of the relationship especially when I needed him to be there physically. One thing I didn't do was to bother myself if he was cheating or not.
As the relationship progressed, I was able to visit him at least twice a year and that kept us on track.
NB: Phone conversation involved lots of arguments and misconception.

Mr NumeroUno: Yeap to susceptible to misconceptions! 

One: I agree, when I was in a long-distance relationship (Swansea - London), my mind was in overdrive.. I wasn't given reason to think far but my mind already had a life of its own so adding an LDR did not help!

I believe before going into one, know yourself, can you handle it?

Ms MIA: I started my relationship with my now fiancé over the phone.....hahaha! I still find it funny but we've known and been close friends for 10 years before so it made it a world easier I must say. With that, there were still moments I wanted to scream and throw it all out cause I felt it won't/wasn't working.

Things that kept us:
1. We set a time we would meet again very early on. From the moment we agreed on the relationship, we set a visit date. That was important for us and it meant that if we survived till we saw, all will be well (phone convo is very different from face-to-face).
2. We spoke a lot about agreeing to the commitment of the relationship. My fiancé wanted us to work so much that he 'swallowed' a lot from me. I guess he understood the difficulty of managing distant relationships so he pushed me until we both agreed that we'll both stick it out as God gives us strength
3. We talked everyday. This one was a matter of priority. We were involved in each others agendas and activities so that there was less room for doubts/fears and it meant that we learnt more about each other. We even used the opportunity to know each others' circle of friends/family.
4. We explored all the social media there was. A time came when we used video messaging more so we could see each other and at least feel close to the other.
5. We prayed a lot. Once I was convinced about this man and that I knew God's plan was for us to spend our lives together, my prayer was to sustain us.

Prayer that sustains...
One: Spoken like a truly experienced pro! Thank God for sustaining you and your fiancé! 

Ms MIA: Lol.. My fiancé showed his commitment so much that I had less room for doubt so personally, that helped me a lot. Therefore I can say that it is possible but let God lead/guide you. I believe that even over the phone, God can reveal a person to you if you seek His will genuinely so you won't make mistakes.

Mr Motivation: I must say that LDR can either make the love in the relationship stronger or worse-off.

One: Really?

Mr Motivation: Yes.. Depending on several factors like personality, commitment, spiritual background, emotional background and even finances (It costs money oh). But the most important of all this is commitment. As the saying goes "Once there is a WILL, there is a WAY". One person cannot be making all the effort and the other is being lax about it; the pendulum must swing both ways in order to have a balance.

Where there's a will, you find a way
One: *Nodding* - Once there is a will, you will explore as many ways as possible #NeverSayDie

Mr Motivation: From my own experience - Swansea, Wales - Abuja, Nigeria (4,109 miles away...lol), what helped was constant phone calls (thank God for Lebara...lol), Skype et al, but above all, God. Had it not been for God and being resolute as to the purpose of having each other particularly in the aspect of destiny fulfillment, I would say we would have been history. Also, accountability matters a lot i.e. having the main objective being to make each other feel emotionally safe by being open as to anything and everything, is crucial. Being emotionally bankrupt in an LDR is a disaster waiting to happen. Times will come when one's mind will run faster than Usain Bolt but what helps is strictly dealing with facts about the personality of who you are with and not fiction.

These amongst others is what I believe helps in a LDR but please PRAY, PRAY and PRAY...... Love conquers ALL things.

One: Thanks for sharing from your wealth of experience! I love how practical you were, thanks..

Miss Me: I like the practical advices of trusting, regular communication and prayer of course. Personally, having been in an LDR, communication was key for us as usually we only saw each other for 3 months in a year. Sadly, this also proved to be a contributing factor to the demise of the relationship. For me communication is very key. Thank God that that we have so many forms of it nowadays (kudos to you Ms Truetalk for coping without!). Even if it's just a text or a one minute phone call, it makes a whole word of difference. I know some people are not talkers, particularly guys, but if you're in an LDR, it's a non-negotiable. TALK TALK TALK. It lets your partner know you're still interested and on the other hand, when the communication stops, it's a 'good' way to let them know you want out! :)

Communication - TALK TALK TALK!
One: Nice one Miss Me! I absolutely agree with you.. Communication is KEY!!
It's more important because you don't have the benefit of body language in addition to verbal language so a lot is left to the imagination..

Mr JohnNash: This is my succinct opinion... Any relationship without communication will die.
Any long distance relationship without long communication will in similar manner die.
I think in a long distance relationship, the guy must man up, be very open to the lady and above all, give her a lot of assurance. It's what women want. Assure her and give her assurance. 

Ms PumpkinUnited: So are you saying the men don't need to be assured and given assurance as well? You make it sound like "shebi it's assurance, I'll give you so you stop whining'..
From my personal experience, it got to a point where it was really frustrating and all but just like Ms MIA said, it helps to designate a time when you both get to see each other physically cause sometimes Skype and all other means of communication ain't just enough. Above all, commitment and conviction matters, if you are both convinced about your being together then you'll find strength you never knew you had, not to mention the awesomeness of prayer.. I never planned to go into an LDR, however these few things have helped me.

Nubian Princess: I personally didn't plan to be in an LDR BUT due to work commitments, the SO is away a LOT!!! And when away, he has the most RIDICULOUS working hours.... (my hours are crazy too sooooo.... )

My pointers would be:
1. Make sure the other person knows they're a priority. We trry, as much as possible to speak first thing in the morning to give each other a run down of our day, so we know when and when we can't be reached, and we speak last thing at night too. Also, if someone calls the other, we try as much as possible to answer, even if it's to say "I'm in a meeting, let me call you back". It makes the other person feel relevant.

1. It cannot be overemphasised... The power of prayer. We have a set time in our calendars for prayer together every evening and we make it a priority... irrespective of where we are (social functions included)... It doesn't even have to be a long, winded, binding and casting type of prayer.. Lol! but praying together just strengthens the bond!

1. Also, speak often of the "promise". What are you walking towards as a couple? Remind yourselves of it often, as it helps to reassure both, especially during difficult or frustrating times... Technology is there for a reason... Skype, Rounds, Whatsapp, E-mail (which you can do at work).... Possibilities are endless...
1. Send each other gifts... If for no other reason, to put a smile on the SO's face....
1. Don't forget to tell each other "You *insert whatever feeling you have here* them!" :)

And they're all 1, because they're all important! :)

Send a gift - Just because...
Ms Hope: Well for me, I can say even in marriage, I'm in an LDR as my husband does a 5 weeks onshore/offshore rotation. It's even more difficult for me cause I'm required to be both dad and mum to the kids while he's gone, asides for having to do all the 'manly' chores in the house... However, somehow I have developed a coping mechanism.
I ensure I update him about all that is going on at home.
We talk several times a day
We don't discount on reaffirmation of our love
And we do plenty of video chats.

To say it's easy is clearly folly, but it is workable with plenty of efforts.

One: Thanks for bringing this important aspect to it - LDMs! Long Distance Marriages.. May God continue to give you both the grace to foster love and unity in your home.. Well done!! 

Well, we've had a good conversation on this one! I actually didn't realise that almost all of us have been in an LDR! 
So ladies and gentlemen, what's your take on it? Worth the stress or not? Please share your experiences too!! xx

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12 comments:

  1. It can work out. One great advice an LDR couple now married gave me was if you can talk everyday then you must pray together everyday no matter how short and you will see the difference it makes...Its very true I must say...talking everyday=praying together everyday. No talk= no prayer....If you know thats the last convo for the day, then you must pray before it ends. When its part of the relationship, you would find that even when you have fights, one person will call to pray cos a call was taken that day...

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    1. Thanks a lot dear. Almost everyone seemed to give that answer to - recognising the power and importance of prayer in the relationship!

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  2. The question from your topic is are LDRs worth the stress or not? The simple answer is yes, it is worth it!!! 100 times and more worth it.

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  3. Does Mainland to Island count as LDR? -_____-

    It is absolutely worth it because very soon all the long hours on the phone will come to an end and she/he will just be one 'roll' away ;)

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    1. Lol.. In Nigeria? It definitely counts.. Once you have to 'cross the bridge', it becomes an LDR hahaha

      Exactly - Only one roll away.. I like that :-)

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    2. heheheheheheh Now that cracked me up ooo.. No be small Mainland to Island.. :)

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  4. This is an interesting topic and I have learnt from it. I think LDRs are worth the stress with effective communication, trust between the partners and prayer.

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    1. Thanks for joining the conversation Nikky..
      It's nice that many people have said that LDRs are definitely worth the stress.. And like you said, if you decide to for it, it is important to work out how best to make it work..

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  5. Hiya Bubba, good morning (so this is me trying to be courteous).. To be sincere 1, i do not fully believe in the ability of LDR's to become something more. In my confused head yeah, they are more or less like trying to hold on to the wind, except both parties were dating before one had to move far away.. I dunno how others see it, but there will always be a reason to doubt, there will always be the constant search for reassurance, there will always be misconceptions.. However this is not to say that i do not believe in it totally. Just as someone said in the convo; both parties have to know WHERE they are going, and i think an agreed PURPOSE is the only thing that drives and sustains such relationships... Common here to Babcock was hard for some of us, talk less of 4,109 miles **In Mr. Motivation's voice.. :) In all sincerity Bubba, its more of a No for me than a yes, cause the FINANCIAL pain, Physical deprivation, as well as the loneliness that could come with; when after you speak with them for so looonng, you realize that you will be alone just after you shut down the tablet or phone is crazy!! but if the end goal is marriage, and both parties are SURE, then in Janyls voice, why not if not?!

    P.S: Ms True Talk is the real MVP oooo,, i mean wow!!! how did she do it? how did they survive without modern day technology? Wow!! **Scratches head.. I never hexsperred it oh! hence I can only imagine. issorait.. Her own is a real Testimony shaaaa... I have a kind question 1+ THE ONE: Some one in the Convo (tried tracing it but I couldn't find who, will take notes better next time :) ) mentioned that at a time they knew it was GOD's mandate to end up with their lover.. My question is, how did they hear it? How does one know who is? Will there be a dream like Joseph or something, or is the follow your mind line that comes to play here? cause in all sincerity, our minds play games with us on most of our relationships, as everyone seems to be the ONE. Cheers bubba. xx

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    1. Hmmm.. Very wise words Bubba..
      To be honest, it is not easy at all and many do not survive (and like you said, without even much distance sometimes!).
      It takes a solid foundation, tight friendship and purpose in particular to make it work..
      I know some people who have managed to succeed at it, but was it easy ? At all, at all.. I respect them a LOT!
      We need to discuss that one day on the Convo - People's real experiences of how they knew the person was the one.. Do you know that their answers may be 'disappointing' to you? Why? Because they didn't hear a voice or see a sign lol.. They did normal stuff like fall in love, be compatible, liked the same things, had the same values and goals lol.. But it's a topic we will definitely talk about! xx

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