Hello and welcome to another edition of
Conversations with One!! Happy New Month as well! It's the month of April and we are excited!! May showers of blessings be upon you and yours in Jesus name.
No long intros today, let's cut right to the discussion today, right? :-)
"I am in a relationship with this lovely person - very special and I care deeply for the person (I could almost call it love). However, recently I found out something that they did in the past. Even though it is in the past, it is now affecting our relationship as I can't get it out of my mind. Do you think it matters? Should I just call it a day now. How do I handle this?!"So, ladies and gentlemen, what do you think?
'How much should the past affect the present/future?'
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Ms MIA: If I found myself in this situation, I would ask myself a few questions before even attempting to make a decision on this matter:
- Do I love him/her? I can see from the first sentence that they are not sure they love the person in question
- What has he/she done and are they remorseful/repentant?
- If need be, have they restituted for that past error or are they willing to if God leads them in that direction?
- Are they willing to move past that error themselves? Only because you may be willing to forgive yet the person hasn't forgiven him/herself.
If the answer to these questions are positive, then I will go ahead with the relationship. To start with, it's not my own error. Secondly, since the person is a Christian I believe that once they repent and God leads them on the path of forgiveness and restitution (for some), there is then no condemnation.
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| Where there is repentance and God has forgiven, there is no condemnation |
One: Hmmm, that's interesting.
Ms MIA: I learnt something today from a gospel teaching that Christ died as the atonement for sins and the reason for forgiveness therefore we shouldn't expect it from people. This means that I am meant to forgive people who hurt/offend me because of Christ and the price He paid, not because of them and what they did or can do.
My last two questions are really for the sake of the partner and in order to have a peaceful relationship because it's just too hard when people lock themselves in chains of unforgiveness even though they ought to be free. This bondage affects many couples in today's world.
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| Inability to forgive yourself can be a huge bondage.. Break FREE! |
One: Thanks a lot for this Ms MIA. You're right, it's important to check if the person has forgiven themselves. It can be a huge shackle and stumbling block in the relationship if the person themselves won't let go.
On the other hand, while forgiveness is the way forward, how about if I cannot bear the thought of having someone with that particular past as a spouse? Eg something that might have a repercussion or consequences?
NubianPrincess: Like Ms MIA said, I think it really boils down to 3 questions:
1. Do you love the person and are you convinced that he/she is God's best for you?
2. Can you live with the thought of what the person has done without anger or condemnation or unforgiveness?
3. If there are consequences from the past mistake, can you live with the consequences and be happy?
If the answers to the above are all yes, then I think the person can go ahead with the relationship.
But if there is any doubt as to the acceptance and love you can show the person without throwing the past mistake in the person's face at every turn, then please hold on, take a break, pray about it and then make a decision.
Especially as Christians, (again like Ms MIA said), if the person has truly repented, there is no condemnation, so we too cannot set ourselves up as judge over others. If the person is a good person, has genuinely repented, and adds to your happiness, then I'd advise you go ahead.
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| You have no right to play Judge and jury! |
One: Great points and questions to consider. Do you think the ability to accept the past and go ahead with the relationship depends on individuals as well? What's your tolerance threshold?
Miss Me: Yes One, I do think it depends on the person themselves as well. Some people in their nature can easily let go of things and look ahead whilst some do not let go as easily. If the past offence is already a considerable issue while courting then it will only become an even bigger issue in marriage.
One: Very true!
Miss Me: Obviously if this is somebody you believe and are convicted that you can make a home with, then of course God is more than able to heal the person and let it not be an issue. But you also have to be willing to let go.
Frankly speaking, spiritually and practically pray about it, speak to someone trustworthy, it's also worth letting the "offending" partner know why and how you're struggling with the offence and then make your decision after careful God-led consideration.
One: Brilliant point. Indeed, it is important to communicate how you feel to your partner. Communication is key!
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| It is important to be open in communication. Lovingly convey your thoughts to them |
NubianPrincess: Let me give an example to "buttress'' the point again... We were having a discussion in my team at work a few weeks back. We're two girls and 4 guys.
We had asked the guys if they could marry a girl who's had an abortion. One guy said no, and the others were very open to marrying her, saying who hasn't made a mistake and all that... However, when the point came to what if the abortion(s) have affected her ability to have children, they weren't as quick to answer.... After a lot of thought, 2 of the guys were like "nah...." But the other one was like sure... that they'll explore adoption etc
Essentially, it boils down to personality... Like Miss Me said, some people have a low tolerance level and some people have a high tolerance level... You need to know what works for you... You need to COMMUNICATE openly so that you and your partner understand the challenge you're facing and maybe even that discussion can help allay some of your worries. Also, speaking to a TRUSTED, WISDOM-FILLED person is important and can help you really see the issues as they are...
Most importantly, you need to PRAY!!! The Holy Spirit always has a way of calming us, guiding us and giving us peace about the decisions we must take! :)
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| Don't neglect the important place of prayer - to ask for direction, peace and grace to handle the situation |
One: Thanks for drawing from a live discussion and sharing what seems like a mini opinion poll :-).
Ms UTA: Let me take it further... What would be your reaction if the person had committed cold blood murder as a former leader of a cult while in university? This one is hard oh! A murderer? The lady would sleep with one eye opened should they get married, lol
NubianPrincess: Mur-gini??
Hmmmmm... This one is hard ooooh!!! I'm very tolerant usually, but I already have a lot of issues sleeping at night... How will I manage if I know hubby dearest has killed before? Will I be next? My children nko? Will I be comfortable leaving the kids with him?
Hian! This is a different ball game ooh... GOD has to show me a living vision and confirm it through a number of people and maybe speak directly from heaven before I will 'gree ooh...
Then what will I tell Mummy and Daddy Nubian? Or my sister? Or I won't disclose?? I have to disclose oh, incase I go missing one day...
Ahn, One... This one has passed me... My heart rate has tripled just now...
Let me make a cup of Earl Grey and relax.... Murder... God help us oooh!!!
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| Blood on their hands?! |
One: Loll.. NubianP, calm down!
One of my friends who became a toaster had told me previously about him being in a cult. I suspect (almost 100%) that he's killed quite a number of people in his lifetime. He was the leader.
If you saw him, you would never believe he could harm a fly. Good looking, very kind and considerate person. He's a Christian and you cannot imagine him being in a cult, not to talk of harming someone else.
To be honest, when I slightly considered the possibility of being with him, his past came flashing up like a neon sign! I was thinking of the spiritual and physical implications oh! However, I believe that if he showed beyond a shadow of doubt that he was sold out to Christ, I would definitely consider it. (And ask God to talk to my family, haha)
I think discussing your fears would depend on the relationship you have with the person. If you cannot discuss it then check your friendship (it's very hard though, I must confess) because you don't want them feeling bad about themselves on your account. (Particularly something they've told you in confidence)
Ms PYT: I think it's easier to point fingers at people when we are on the other end of the game.
If only we knew everyone's past, I wonder who we'll talk to.
The past should remain in the past and forgotten.
To answer Ms UTA's questions. most cultists were either forced to join or suppressed to peer pressure. Most cultists don't announce that they were once cultists or hit men. As long as the person is a changed person and his character doesn't reflect otherwise, every other thing is irrelevant.
To the main topic
I sometimes wonder as Christians if we really practise what the bible says. It's easier to love someone when everything is going fine. To be honest, when a person's past can affect their future, then it's really worth thinking about.
One: Hmmmm definitely something to think about... If I had a 'past' would I want to be judged by it all my life?
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| If no, then why can't I extend the same grace to others? |
To be honest, it's easier said than done.
Guys where are you?! We need male opinion(s) as well! :-D
Mr Motivation: I intend to be very very brief..lol. I once heard Mike Murdock say "What you say is not as important as what people remember" and it's based on this statement that I give my comment.
One: Proceed sire, proceed!
Mr Motivation: You see marriage is for life and by that being so, one must be careful not to carry along any baggage that may cut short a journey that was meant for a lifetime. My reason for this is that, it is imperative that one must forgive and do all things necessary to forget, because any reminder of the past through spoken words have the potential of destroying what was meant to be beautiful.
Miss PYT dropped some 'hot rhema' at the Lounge (our House Fellowship) and it was based on the scripture Ephesians 5:24 - Husbands, love your wife as Christ loves the church. This goes to show that as a Husband, I must represent Christ and if He was forgiving and forgetting, so must I. So in other words, for me to have a happy and fruitful marriage, I must love as Christ does the church. With that said, e no easy oh....lol but Grace is made available.
One: Nice one, very nice one. I am currently writing an article for work on the sacrifice of love in relation to Easter and Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, and I am having to ask some deep questions to test how deep your love is and mehnnn.. Odikwa very serious.. (I should share the list actually).
When people say "I can die for you!". It may be wise to truly truly think about what the implication is.. If you can die for me, then all these things should be minor.. lol
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| Are you willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice for love's sake? |
Like Mr Motivation said, e no easy but grace is made available :-)
On that note ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to join in the discussion. What do you think? What would you do? Would you be willing to marry someone with a 'heavy past'? Or would it be too much for you to handle?
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