Basically, Conversations with One is a (relatively) new chat-series on the blog. Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!
You can have a look at last week's conversation where we discussed 'Things That Made You Go Awww'. You can also have a read of previous episodes HERE.
This week, we start off the discussion on something that is known to kill relationships even before they take root!
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS!!
| I thought he/she would never change! |
| Unrealistic Expectations: Such a damper on relationships! |
Phone calls every hour? At least once a day? A surprise each week? A full time career wife who is also a master-chef dishing out day in, day out (you know how you just detest more than a day-old meal :-).. Never saying hurtful things to you, never having an argument, paying for your siblings' education, changes after marriage etc... The list is endless.
We would also love to have you join the discussion in the comment box, and as always please give practical experiences where possible!
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One: Hahaha. I kinda guessed that would be the first thing people (particularly guys would point out lol). Thank God Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith was fictional. Let's find out if she 'throws-down' in real life too after a hectic day! (Ok, let me not turn this into a cooking debate lol)
But mehn that question can be so annoying "So can you cook?" Like the response I saw on Instagram says:
Yup, that's right! lolMs Hope: For me, expecting a man/woman to meet all your needs. Women especially fall into this folly. Generally speaking, being the more emotional beings, we unrealistically demand the men in our lives to meet all our emotional needs - "He has to be sensitive", "He has to always be there as a shoulder to lean on", "He must never fail me", "He cannot admire another woman as I'm his all in all", "He has to be available to listen to every whine", "He must understand when it's my monthly cycle", "He must be available to rub my back and still be empathetic when I slap his hands off... " It's a tight corner for him. The man is poised to fail in this stance. He isn't perfection, he isn't created to meet all needs, only one person can do that, and He is God.
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| I blame Disney.... |
One: Amen to that Sisteh!! I know what you mean.. I saw another joke once (I'm full of it today mehn lol).. "I heard a girl speaking to her boyfriend once and I thought she was speaking to God because only God could meet all the requests she demanded" lol
Ms PumpkinUnited: I totally agree with Ms Hope.. I agree that we ladies can expect the impossible from a guy and funny enough, the things we're expecting we don't even have to give (smh).. We need to take it heazy .. Sometimes I expect my boo to be reachable whenever I want to reach him - don't miss my calls, reply my messages asap (even if you're in a meeting or making a presentation, there just has to be a way for you to do the magic of replying). Please don't interfere while I'm narrating my ordeal (but when he keeps silent I still accuse him of being insensitive), Don't even think of sleeping off on me when I'm talking with you, but funny enough, I find myself doing all these things to him and even more, especially the sleeping off on the phone one, yet he has not crucified me. Like seriously, I wonder how he copes with me (but hey they say love conquers all things..lool). I'm really not that bad though, ask him! :-D
| Hands up if you're guilty of this! |
One: LOL, oh dear! I wouldn't want to be boo when you're throwing your tantrums.. But I can so see myself in what you have said! *covers face in shame*. Any other examples?
Ms TrueTalk: Unrealistic expectations, abi? Oya 2 angles: (1) Expecting 'night devotions' will be a daily affair or spur of the moment act. Realistically, it might be so in the first few months, but as the marriage grows and all the 'bukata' (issues/busy-ness) and things set in, it might turn into timetable matter or in some extreme cases, divine intervention may be required.
(2) Expecting that your home should be run like your dad or his dad used to. This can cause plenty fights. Better to build your own home, just the way you dreamed or imagined it.
Ms Hope: Madam TrueTalk, kisses. I unequivocally support point number 2. It's not my father's house, he didn't grow up with my father and has no idea how father dearest ran things. So I don't expect him to do things like my dad did/would do. We mostly fall into this folly of expecting things to mirror where we're coming from. Hellooo, two different backgrounds here, we both have to come together to build our own stories, path, legacy...
No 1? I think it's important we find time to pray together. It's even amidst the bukatas that we need God most. I remember that saying - "A family that prays together stays together".
(2) Expecting that your home should be run like your dad or his dad used to. This can cause plenty fights. Better to build your own home, just the way you dreamed or imagined it.
Ms Hope: Madam TrueTalk, kisses. I unequivocally support point number 2. It's not my father's house, he didn't grow up with my father and has no idea how father dearest ran things. So I don't expect him to do things like my dad did/would do. We mostly fall into this folly of expecting things to mirror where we're coming from. Hellooo, two different backgrounds here, we both have to come together to build our own stories, path, legacy...
No 1? I think it's important we find time to pray together. It's even amidst the bukatas that we need God most. I remember that saying - "A family that prays together stays together".
NubianPrincess: Hi everyone.... Ms Hope, you've said it all! And, yes I agree, women are terrible. I once went to one of my spiritual leaders with my list for my husband. I read all 45 character traits, qualities etc out to him that hubby dearest must have. When I was done, he laughed for a while and said "Nubian, look, even if Jesus himself came, he would have a pretty hard time meeting all the characteristics on that list. Narrow it down to about 4/5 things max that are important to you. God will give the man everything else you need."
I have to admit, at the time I thought, what does he know? But I prayed about it, spoke to some of my trustworthy married friends about it and my eyes "came down".
I'm not married, but I'm in an amazing relationship with an awesome man. In the beginning, he showed the essential qualities... But he also has most of the qualities on my initial list. Coincidence? Or God? I pick God! :)
One: The advice you got is spot on! God has a way of giving us what we need + plenty jara as you testify! *smiling widely* (And that is how Nubian has openly declared are status hehehe)..
I have to admit, at the time I thought, what does he know? But I prayed about it, spoke to some of my trustworthy married friends about it and my eyes "came down".
I'm not married, but I'm in an amazing relationship with an awesome man. In the beginning, he showed the essential qualities... But he also has most of the qualities on my initial list. Coincidence? Or God? I pick God! :)
One: The advice you got is spot on! God has a way of giving us what we need + plenty jara as you testify! *smiling widely* (And that is how Nubian has openly declared are status hehehe)..
Ms PumpkinUnited: I don't subscribe to marrying my husband's entire family cause I'm married to him, or him being married to all mine because he is married to me.. I believe in the privacy of marriage and privity of contract.. I dont like the idea of our siblings and relations coming to live with us all in the name of marriage.. I guess I grew to have a phobia for it cause of the wreckage I've seen it cause..
NubianPrincess: I've seen it cause problems but I've also seen it work really, really well! I think it depends a lot on you, your husband and the FAMILIES you're both coming from. I know an amazing family who are Christians. Each son marries and brings the wife home to live in the family house. So in the house, they have about three married men, three wives, mummy and daddy, some younger siblings... and there is peace that surpasseth allll understanding! Looool! If my husband wants to try that 'P', I'll tell him to hold on till we can rent a one-bedroom flat somewhere before we marry! Loool. But my point is that it works for some people - it depends a lot on background and upbringing.
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| Family portrait anyone? |
Ms PYT: Nubian, 3 married couples living under the same roof, wow! Where is their privacy. They can't even do 'night devotion' in the kitchen or bathroom without any interruption lol
NubianPrincess: Looooool! Gurlll... Perhaps, if they're extra quiet... Or if the Generator is on... Okay, I'm sealing my lips now! Loool!
Ms PumpkinUnited: I once heard a lady say her hubby does not eat overnight food, so in other words, she cooks fresh food everyday, and he doesnt eat fod prepared by a maid or cook or whatever, he even takes lunch to work. I was like are you kidding me, did he marry a wife or a Chefress. I think it's one of the most unrealistic and selfish things I have ever heard *mtscheeww*
One: Fresh food each day + a full time job? Thanks, but no thanks. That woman has more than 1 full time job then! Like Pumpkin said, I think it is very selfish!! (raised to the power 100).. I can BET that the man's taste would rapidly change if he had to do the cooking himself! Was he eating like that as a bachelor?!! Even one month-old food would have seemed like heaven.. Gosh mehn! Have mercy on your wife please!! Later she would age faster than him and his story would change to "She's not the same woman I married, she looks so haggard" - Uhm, yeah, the woman you married wasn't working as a Labourer!
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| Hello! I turned 30 last week.. My husband likes fresh food |
Mr JohnNash: Wow! Amazing comments so far...
I think it's a sensitive topic. Personally I think a man has his role in the house so does a woman. A lot of girls close to me know I cook very well, so going into the kitchen to make food is easy pizzy.
I think it's my wife's responsibility to cook for me in the same way it's my responsibility to provide for her and protect her. For instance would you not be amazed if you came to my house and you saw my wife trying to change her flat tire. Tufiakua!!!!
However everything should be done within reason. If I get home at 5pm and my wife is scheduled to arrive by 8pm. Then it will be spiritual wickedness for me to wait for her to come cook for me by 8pm while I am home doing nothing. Or tell her to make me pounded yam at 11pm...
I think it's a sensitive topic. Personally I think a man has his role in the house so does a woman. A lot of girls close to me know I cook very well, so going into the kitchen to make food is easy pizzy.
I think it's my wife's responsibility to cook for me in the same way it's my responsibility to provide for her and protect her. For instance would you not be amazed if you came to my house and you saw my wife trying to change her flat tire. Tufiakua!!!!
However everything should be done within reason. If I get home at 5pm and my wife is scheduled to arrive by 8pm. Then it will be spiritual wickedness for me to wait for her to come cook for me by 8pm while I am home doing nothing. Or tell her to make me pounded yam at 11pm...
| The look I give when you ask for Pounded yam at 11pm! #INeverHexperredit |
One: Hahaha @spiritual wickedness, amen to that!!
Ms Hope: I agree at you providing for wife while she cooks.... How about these days when women tend to run same work schedule as men, and bring about same pay check home?
Can the kitchen runs now be shared?
One: I was just going to ask the same thing? Since financial responsibilities in many cases are split in half, do we also half cooking responsibilities *huge grin*
Mr JohnNash: Ho my God!!! Now they attack me :)
Of course the kitchen runs can be shared, I absolutely agree. Like I expressed earlier, you will see that I agree... However, the kitchen runs should be a secondary role for a guy not a primary one.
I believe the woman owns the kitchen - my opinion…
One: Lol. No attack, just curious. I loved your earlier response by the way, very correct. I think it's a lot about being realistic and considerate to each other's wellbeing - if I were in his/her shoes, would I want to be treated this way?
Ms Hope: I agree at you providing for wife while she cooks.... How about these days when women tend to run same work schedule as men, and bring about same pay check home?
Can the kitchen runs now be shared?
One: I was just going to ask the same thing? Since financial responsibilities in many cases are split in half, do we also half cooking responsibilities *huge grin*
Mr JohnNash: Ho my God!!! Now they attack me :)
Of course the kitchen runs can be shared, I absolutely agree. Like I expressed earlier, you will see that I agree... However, the kitchen runs should be a secondary role for a guy not a primary one.
I believe the woman owns the kitchen - my opinion…
One: Lol. No attack, just curious. I loved your earlier response by the way, very correct. I think it's a lot about being realistic and considerate to each other's wellbeing - if I were in his/her shoes, would I want to be treated this way?
NubianPrincess: I think to a certain extent, 'unrealistic' differs from person to person and relationship to relationship. I have a friend whose hubby opens doors for her, stands up when she walks into a room and every time she gets up... No Joke.... If another friend makes that her expectation... F9
I have a friend who told her now husband that if he proposes with a small ring, she CAN'T say yes... Perhaps if lady B tries it, she ain't ready to get married for a whileeee!
I have a friend who told her now husband that if he proposes with a small ring, she CAN'T say yes... Perhaps if lady B tries it, she ain't ready to get married for a whileeee!
| Guessing this wouldn't work for her then? lol |
One: Wowiee at the husband of that your friend whose gentlemanliness is out of this world! Imagine seeing that and adding it to 'the list'. So guys, is it possible? Because me I can like that kind of dude oh!!
NubianPrincess: So can I add to that question... Is 'unrealistic' unrealistic across all relationships? If lady A has a Picanto for example, an expectation may be for him to have a Toyota. If Lady B drives a Porsche however, naturally, the ante would go up and he must drive a... Ferrari?
Thoughts?
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"For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." - Galatians 5:13
And so we conclude this week's Conversation. What's your take? Is 'unrealistic' unrealistic across all relationships? What do you consider as an unrealistic expectation in your relationship?
PS Concerning the cooking debate, I read this great post on the beautiful Graciemama's blog - 'When Cooking is Not Just Her Thing'. You should check it out too!
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Do you have any question? Please do not hesitate to ask!
Email - oneplustheone@gmail.com
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Email - oneplustheone@gmail.com
Twitter - @1plustheone
Facebook - www.facebook.com/1plustheone
Lol, I love the responses! Especially the debate on cooking:) Ok, let me add my bit:
ReplyDeleteFor women, I think it's unrealistic to expect your husband to be "prince charming". Prince Charming already came, died on the cross, resurrected, and blessed us with forgiveness - Jesus:) Now every other man out here is a human just like us. To expect your hubby to be perfect and in charge of your happiness each day will bring you unnecessary headache. If you're with a man that is God-led in life, appreciate and love him as your spiritual partner who you will grow, enjoy life, and build a legacy with - and yes, there will be times he messes up or hurts your feelings.
For men, I think it's unrealistic to expect your wives to submit to you as the head of the house if you behave like an arrogant, power-hungry tyrant that's clearly self-led and not God-led. Make clear the godly vision you have for the future, respect and care for her with love & empathy, and she'll be more willing to listen to you and follow your leadership.
Nice post and I would just like to add a bit. I am aware that some relationships have hit the rocks as a result of unrealistic expectations. A lady I was once with inately wished I had a fatherly figure.SMH. She wanted an old man and I ask myself: why bother wasting my time? You see, the moment you decide to be with someone, there is a need to understand that the person is only human with his/her own frailties and weaknesses which we can learn to LOVINGLY help them out of or LEARN to live with if we choose to. For me I have never believed in compiling a list of this and that expectations because the moment you make that list, you have subconsciously set a process in motion that falls short of meeting your full expectation. This is life guys, let's live it lovingly and joyfully.
ReplyDeleteMr. John Nash cracked me up this week, Ms Pumpkin United I am guilty of some of the things you listed down but I'm working on that. I thoroughly enjoyed this. There are guys who expect ladies to always have a cheerful disposition you know always smile, be cheerful and happy at all times. I once went out with this guy who told me women are not supposed to show weakness, as a woman you are supposed to be strong at all times, so even when you are sick or going through a rough patch you shouldn't let it show because you are a woman. Now that is unrealistic.
ReplyDeleteAyo once again thank you for this wonderful post.
Know yourself, know the man/woman you are marrying. Know what you can't do without, know what you can afford to let go. Never compare your union to that of someone else, the individuals are different. Make sure the basics are existent, all other things are secondary.
ReplyDelete@Adaeze, LOL.. Prince Charming = JESUS.. Amen to that! Every other human being has flaws just like we do!
ReplyDelete*nodding* @making the vision clear.. It helps a lot.
@Ashraff, Welcome to the blog! *rings bell*.. Thank you for your comment. You are very right, we ought to learn to chill, and live life to the fullest!
@Sharon, Really? To never show weakness? That's a new one! I thought women were generally regarded as teh weaker vessels.. We sure do hear new things every day lol
@ilola, Nice one.. Know your non-negotiables and work with the rest - no perfect human being!
Undoubtedly, we women are just bad! Our wahala is too much! We tend to set unrealistic expectations in our head as we start a relationship. However, Its not entirely a bad idea or thing to do, so long as those expectations are realistic. E.g
ReplyDeleteCalls - Personally, I expect my man (boyfriend, husband) to call me a number of times in the day. Though he might be busy with work, studies etc...You make time for what matters to you right? Yes we are courting or married but you still need to chase me! Lemme see that you are still intentional in wanting me in your life! Its not too much to ask because women like to be chased! This is a very realistic expectation
Appreciation - just like the first, show me you appreciate me. Read inbetween, under, behind, infront of the line if you must. Truth is if you love or appreciate something your actions show it right?
Expecting the man to play God - very unrealistic, unfair, selfish *insert other words like this here* the dude has feelings and expectations too na! There's only so much he can do as a human being. Yes he can try but he cant be all and everything. After all the bobo too has his own expectations... I think the best thing to do is talk about each other's expectations openly, however unrealistic or realistic it is, that way they are both aware and they'll either try to reach those expectations or just tell the other party the impossibilities of meeting those expectations.... #HopeImNotWafflingOn lol
Remi
This is like the best of the series. Loved it. P.S: I could barely see the names written in yellow. Ha
ReplyDeleted to strain my eyes.
Hiya mamacita...Okay...
ReplyDeleteI think it is very unrealistic for people to think that 'Love' is what keeps 2 people together....I believe that Love is not enough to stand as the glue in marriages...I believe that 'Understanding' is the glue that a couple need to make a marriage work.
I also think that it is very unrealistic to 'Expect' your boyfriend to be your demi-god/father/therapist/caregiver and all that....I think that the moment any girl does that, she has just set a timeframe for that relationship....
Back in Kenya, our women are supposed to be in charge of the kitchen and they gladly accept it like a job position, I think that is so unrealistic... See...I am not much of a cook...and besides, my husband and I come from different countries...so I can't cook (most)of his meals buh besides that, he enjoys doing most of the cooking in the house...**whispering** if I have to cook, we would need the fire department......my point is...some men feel/think they need women who can cook....I gotta ask...whose belly is the food going into??...If you are hungry...go cook you some meal to fill up your belly...that's what I think tho'...**bows like Moby** (I mean that girl got me bowing down everywhere)
Expectations....Expectations. It appears that un met expectations is one of the main issues that cause a lot of hearaches, misunderstandings and strife in relationships. It's so important that we talk about our expectations to whom ever we are with or anticipate especially a marriage relationship with whether realistic or unrealistic that way there is a better understanding on both parts.
ReplyDeleteLol @spiritual wickedness.
ReplyDeleteOf all the points,na the kitchen own pain me pass,
I think a lot of men buy into that mode of a woman's place is the kitchen and there she must be forever.
Look @ my dad for instance, he was abroad for ages, and I know for certain via my mum and brother that he is a mean cook.amala, eba, efo. Even pounded yam,
Now he is back in the country and the only time he steps into the kitchen is if he needs a knife to unscrew something.
My point is some men would go to work, the wife will go to work and yet they expect the wife to be slaving in the kitchen,expecting food while they watch ball. Aka my dad.lol
At least he's old. What excuse do the younger men have?
LMAO @ spiritual wickedness. I like today's convo actually did make me laff...
ReplyDeleteBasically yeah woman sometimes get confused with all these chic flicks and books like 50 shades of Grey. you want a man who is tall, handsome, rich, drives a nice car, extremely well educated, won't look or even flirt with other women, chose you over his friends, when you say jump he would jump.Notice every time something is wrong with you. Listen to you whine all the time and be at your every beck and cor, can read minds...isokay..wait until Jesus Christ would come..
And for the men, they want a woman who has a 'banging figure' *errm and they have port belle o*, pretty, intelligent, won't nag, likes all their friends, allow you to have your 'boys night' allll the time, great cook, has a job,won't argue, freak in bed ...error.
The problem with we humans is that we always ask for what we can't give or don't have sometimes.
@Remi, thank you for your comment! Expectations are important in relationships... As long as they are achievable.. I'm with you on that call thing (some people may beg to differ lol). @Appreciation, if you love someone, it's important to show how much you appreciate them too. Howver I would say that it is important to communicate about your expectations if he/she is not quite meeting it :-)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, Yayy! Thanks dear :-) I have changed the colour now, hope it's better? (me and my bright colours lol)
@Ernie, *nodding*.. Mutual understanding is so important! LOL @whose belly? Hmm.. Let me allow the men answer this one, I think youmay have started World War III mami! Haha.. *whispers* I'm with you on this one though! Hehe xx
HF, Very true, communication is key! Very important. One man's meat may be another's poison.
@Funmi, LOL.. That's such a classic example! Got to love your dad.. Liek you said, he is older so we understand.. How about young able-bodied men? (this cooking debate ehn...)
@Chantel, your comment got me laughing out! So so true.. A lot of times, these expectations are inspired by fictional characters! We need to get REAL!
Thank you everyone for your comments.. It's been really interesting reading them! :-D xx
I love Ashraff's "this is life, live it lovingly and joyfully" comment!
ReplyDeleteOne, I have one huge expectation (that is all-encompassing)= PARTNERSHIP!
I expect my man to partner with me for life, and in life. He shouldn't just sit on a high table, waiting for me to perform to his delight, NO!
Dear husband, may God help you to 'rough it up/enjoy it all' with me, Amen.
Example, what's wrong with going into the kitchen together, or changing the flat tire together? (After all it helps build the relationship, right?).
Anyway, we are human, so I expect daily lapses, but his willingness to partner with me will make everything beautiful(even when he 'physically' fails to)...
For me, 'unrealistic' arises when you expect people to play/live out your fantasies, and that to me is wickedness! Please let's accept people as they are...
Meanwhile, in another news, I know an 80+ year old man that loves to & actually does make his meals himself!
And I know some young guys that love cooking and won't mind doing for their wives!
...
.....**Deep sigh... And this just left me more confused.com :( I mean, it seems to me that NO 2 women above actually want the same kinda man... As what A wants, is TOTALLY different from what B wants.. Oh Mehnnn... What do Women as a WHOLE want nah, An Arch-Angel Micheal or what?? Nawa oh!
ReplyDeleteAnd to all them ladies drawing up ""TRAITS I WANT"" lists in their head, hmmmnnn diarisgodooo..
@JohnNash, I am your biggest fan brova, you speak my words all time every time. Can i get an Autograph sir?? @Mr. Mamman, I see you Sir.. **Sips Coffee.. Cheers.
Ayo, thanks for the blog post ad *big hug*
ReplyDeleteI love this convo and the comments. When I was younger, I had a long list of funny expectations as hillarious as future hubby knowing how to play the talking drum...lol!.
With time, I just had to have realistic expectations.
But at the men that love fresh food and can't eat any food that was kept in the freezer....hian. the Lord is your muscle. May j never meet such *runs away and dust my shoes* hehehehe
Nice one Ayo. I love the conversations and comments for this week. When I was younger I had all these unrealistic expectations about Mr right: tall dark and handsome (I blame mills and boon). Morris chestnut was the standard to be precise. If you don't have a six pack n dark skinned with pink lips, Nna waka far!!Thank God those days are over. Most of the things or qualities we look for in a spouse may not necessarily be what we need. When you relax and trust God he gives you what you need +tall,dark and handsome!!
ReplyDelete@Debby, partnership is a great expectation. The important thing like it has been mentioned previously is that expectations are clearly communicated and agreed on by both parties.. And I say a big amen to your prayer xx
ReplyDelete@Duru, Lol, we are all so unique as human beings, no two people are exactly alike.. The thing is finding the person that complements you and you are compatible with - so that you are able to live with, appreciate and love their differences.. I'm sure Mr Nash has seen your message :-)
@Grace, lol @playing the drums - never say never! God has a way of granting even the littlest details just to spice things up a little lol - But He will certainly give you all that you requir eto fulfill purpose when you ask in Jesus name. Big hug right back at you hun xx
@Ify, amen to that! Lol@Morris Chestnut.. I blame Mills and Boon too!! lool.. Thanks a lot for stopping by xx
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Unrealistic expectations in relationships will leave you disappointed, these are the 8 expectations you should avoid for a better relationship.
ReplyDelete