Basically, Conversations with One is a chat-series on the blog. Each week, the 1 + TheOne panel (made up of beloved and very wise friends with a variety of personalities) and I bring you snippets of our 'round-table' discussions from a male/female perspective.. We talk about any and every thing!!
Ladies! Have you ever wanted to get into the mind of a guy? (I know I do! lol), and for guys, I bet once in a while you wish you could just read her mind! Well hopefully week after week, we get to bridge that gap!
You can have a look at last week's very interactive conversation where we discussed 'Unrealistic Relationships in Relationships'. You can also have a read of previous episodes HERE.
It's the 7th edition of Conversations with One and there's just something wonderful about the no 7!
Apart from the fact that I was born on the 7th day of the month, it's my favourite number and Sir Shina Peters sang about it {7, 7, 7 is the number!} (hehehe), the no 7 stands for perfection! Therefore, I pray that God will make perfect everything that concerns you as it is written in His word in Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, oh Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of your hands".
So! This week on Conversations with One, we are discussing that 'Unfinished Business Talk' in relationships!!
Now what is it about Unfinished business? Do you think it is important to revisit the 'Whys' and 'Hows' after a relationship break-up?
We had a very interesting debate about this! There are 2 camps usually to this - "Yes, it's important sometimes to close the chapter and move on, it could also be a learning curve for self-improvement" while some are like "Why? For what?! Relationship over, case closed, key thrown away!"
What do you think? Has it worked for you? Has it back-fired? Has it been pointless? Would you recommend it or discourage it?
Let's conver-sate! Hehe
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| It's been nice knowing you - The End |
Nubian Princess: Personally, I don't believe in the whole "what went wrong" convo... Too much drama in my own opinion. It's ended, it's ended. Fine! Let's move on with things and the end... :) Maybe muccchhhhhhh later, after all the emotion has exited the building, then a conversation can be had (I have the same opinion on friendships with exes btw... loool) but immediately, to start hashing over what happened, what went wrong, how we could have fixed it, what we learnt from this experience, what we could have done differently... Errr... No thanks!
Ms PYT: I agree. Why the drama na? I don't think I need to have peace making conversation except for guilty conscience sake.
Relationships differ so do break ups. Some end well and some don't and sometimes you find yourself in a situation where one thing leads to the other and you just start digging issues but not that after breaking up you starting calling to set a meeting for peace talk lol.
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| Relationship Peace Talk - "You see, what had happened was..." |
Nubian Princess: Lmaooooooooo @ peace talk. *hi5* my hawt Ms PYT!
One: Lol @meeting for peace talk... How about where there is unforgiveness.. Or a need for forgiveness? Like "See, what you did hurt me" etc etc..
NubianPrincess: I think that should be done within a relationship... I don't know sha...
NubianPrincess: I think that should be done within a relationship... I don't know sha...
So, imagine a scenario: Nubian and Tall, Dark and Handsome (TDH) Brother have broken up...
Nubian: Hey TDH, how are you doing? Do you have a minute, I want to talk to you about something
TDH: What's up?
Nubian: I know we're no longer together and this relationship is over but I just really needed to tell you what you did that hurt my feelings and made me feel angry at you.
TDH: Really? What did I do?
Nubian: Well, you blah blah blah blah blah
TDH: I'm sorry
Nubian: I accept your apology and I forgive you.
TDH: Thanks for accepting my apology. Since we're on the topic, I also didn't like when you did/said A.B.C
Nubian: Really? I didn't mean it that way, I actually meant A.B.C
TDH: Oh, now I understand. I didn't take it that way and I didn't like it.
Nubian: I'm so sorry about that. Please forgive me
TDH: I accept you apology and I forgive you
Nubian: Thanks. So, how's work?
TDH: Fine ooh... How's life with you?
Nubian: I'm great, thank God! Anyways, let me let you go, I'm glad we spoke
TDH: Yes, me too. Take care!
Am I the only one that thinks there is something wrong with the above scenario?? *confused look*
One: Perfect conversation Nubian! :-D
Ms Hope: Hellooooo you guys broke up! The conversation won't likely go this well in a real life scenario!!
Mr NumeroUno: About closure, if education taught me anything, it taught me about balance, perspectives, and multi-sided views and the need to respect them. Hence why I try to bring out multi-sided dimensions to any discussion I engage in. In politics and international relations, we recognise commentators from their schools of thought. Mainly 'Realists, Liberalists, Feminist, and Idealist. (There are others...).
In history, a story can have an orthodox view, a revisionist view, or post revisionist view.
So depending on which history book or author's work you read, you may have a one-sided story or an incomplete picture that may have failed to take into account, updated facts, etc.
So that's my long disclaimer before heading for the jugular.
| Spell Ju-gu-lar |
One: *runs to grab dictionary*.. Numero Uno has come oh!
Mr NumeroUno: Lol. As a realist, I don't see the need for any long story. As a christian, if she wants us to sit and talk, I owe her the duty to respect her, and sit for the discussion and hopefully air our different sides of the story, agree to disagree, part as friends or whatever. As a man, the male is not naturally wired to be too emotional. We don't like to be emotional at all! It makes us feel weak or feminine. That is our nature, that's not going to change, we can only accommodate Christian principles when we put on the nature of Christ. So we cut our losses and move on.
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| Now, who hurt this fine boy? |
One: Hmmm... I get your point about men not wanting to be emotional and running away from all the 'emotianal talk' - but what's the deal with that?! Just let it out and let it go! I think that men unfortunately lose out on a lot of great opportunities in life because of this weakness (in my opinion)..
Miss Me: To be honest, I'm on the side of "It's ended, let's move on!" If we're both fortunate enough to naturally glide into a convo about the whys and wherefores of the relationship then fine! Otherwise I'll just say leave it!
Also I think it gives too much power to the other person for one to be waiting on them to close 'that' door. I don't like the thought of having to wait on somebody to 'shut the door'
Besides 7/10 (not sure what happens with the other 3) over time the reasons for the failings of the relationship will come to light!!!
Miss Me: To be honest, I'm on the side of "It's ended, let's move on!" If we're both fortunate enough to naturally glide into a convo about the whys and wherefores of the relationship then fine! Otherwise I'll just say leave it!
Also I think it gives too much power to the other person for one to be waiting on them to close 'that' door. I don't like the thought of having to wait on somebody to 'shut the door'
Besides 7/10 (not sure what happens with the other 3) over time the reasons for the failings of the relationship will come to light!!!
| That moment when you see 'The LIGHT' |
Ms MIA: For me, I like to settle a matter before I step out of the situation. So I'm one to ask all those 'why' questions even before we go our separate ways. If things aren't going well and the relationship is heading for the rocks, I will drill your blood to find out why because the day I say 'Bye'...it's Bye for good!
One: *I feel like I'm flying solo* - Who's on my side?!!
One: *I feel like I'm flying solo* - Who's on my side?!!
Ms TrueTalk: One you aren't running solo, I 1st, 2nd, infact 3rd your motion.
I'm thinking everyone else is going for no talk/closure after the relationship because the 'signs' of an impending end were probably there therefore, 'why bother to ask? It was bound to end anyway'. But what if the relationship, all the while, was 'rosy' and 'perfect' and then out of the blues the man or woman says 'Mi o se mo' (I'm no longer interested'). Come ooon, you will just take a walk?!!! No Qs asked? That will be interesting o.
I'm thinking everyone else is going for no talk/closure after the relationship because the 'signs' of an impending end were probably there therefore, 'why bother to ask? It was bound to end anyway'. But what if the relationship, all the while, was 'rosy' and 'perfect' and then out of the blues the man or woman says 'Mi o se mo' (I'm no longer interested'). Come ooon, you will just take a walk?!!! No Qs asked? That will be interesting o.
Ms Hope: Ha "mi o se mo ke"? Without initial prompts? We shall see ya pastor. Lol. And yes, in this case I def will want to have that conversation.
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| LOL.. |
Mr JohnNash: Wow! Personally I have a very curious mind (I know, 'curiosity kills the cat'...)
Also, in everything I do, I work towards the relentless pursuit of perfection, it's an addiction - Relationships, career, my normal everyday life.
Some of the greatest things I have learnt in life have come from the most unlikely of sources. Some of the greatest relationship takeaways have completely shocked me and they were things I was oblivious to during the relationship. I had no idea.
Long after a relationship has ended, no emotions running I usually ask. What could I have done differently? I usually get amazing feedback and everyday I learn more about you amazing creatures called women. It makes me a better man.
It's good to know what you did wrong. You can't be completely innocent for the failure of a relationship.
Albert Einstein said only a strange man does the same thing all the time and expects a different result.
One: Nash! God bless you! You articulated my thoughts and sentiments perfectly. Yaaayy thank God. Company feels great haha. *phew* I was starting to feel weird!
Ms Angel: Sooo.... Personally, I feel that the dangers of asking for closure after things have obviously ended include giving the impression that you still want things to work between you and your ex (1. because your heart will certainly pick up and take on board the most glaring lessons, and nobody should need to tell you because if your heart is hurt... it will shout lool.
2. Nobody is the same...what may please one may hurt another, so to ask exclusive questions may mean you want an exclusive answer..?)
Also, in everything I do, I work towards the relentless pursuit of perfection, it's an addiction - Relationships, career, my normal everyday life.
Some of the greatest things I have learnt in life have come from the most unlikely of sources. Some of the greatest relationship takeaways have completely shocked me and they were things I was oblivious to during the relationship. I had no idea.
Long after a relationship has ended, no emotions running I usually ask. What could I have done differently? I usually get amazing feedback and everyday I learn more about you amazing creatures called women. It makes me a better man.
It's good to know what you did wrong. You can't be completely innocent for the failure of a relationship.
Albert Einstein said only a strange man does the same thing all the time and expects a different result.
One: Nash! God bless you! You articulated my thoughts and sentiments perfectly. Yaaayy thank God. Company feels great haha. *phew* I was starting to feel weird!
Ms Angel: Sooo.... Personally, I feel that the dangers of asking for closure after things have obviously ended include giving the impression that you still want things to work between you and your ex (1. because your heart will certainly pick up and take on board the most glaring lessons, and nobody should need to tell you because if your heart is hurt... it will shout lool.
2. Nobody is the same...what may please one may hurt another, so to ask exclusive questions may mean you want an exclusive answer..?)
Ms UTA: Sincerely speaking, if you were the one that ended the relationship, you wouldn't bother to ask why it didn't work. You saw the handwriting or realised that no he's not the one or not mature enough. So you decided to end it. Also, if shortly after it ended you met someone who swept you off your feet, you wouldn't bother. You'd wish them well in their future endeavour lol
One: Hmmm.. Personally, when I've done the closure talk, no emotion was involved + it wasn't a veiled attempt for reconciliation. I wanted to just understand what happened. The first time I did, it helped clear a lot of self-doubts I had. The thing is sometimes after the end of a relationship where one is not quite sure what happened, it's possible to affect your self-esteem like "what was wrong with me?!"
MrMotivation: I believe 'Ex-es' are who they are for a reason. Seeking closure could be good but on the other hand awakening feelings that lead to nowhere other than the boulevard of heartbreak.
So I just feel little or limited line of communication should exist between parties and everyone should "face front"..... Shikena....c'est fini
One: Hmmm.. Personally, when I've done the closure talk, no emotion was involved + it wasn't a veiled attempt for reconciliation. I wanted to just understand what happened. The first time I did, it helped clear a lot of self-doubts I had. The thing is sometimes after the end of a relationship where one is not quite sure what happened, it's possible to affect your self-esteem like "what was wrong with me?!"
MrMotivation: I believe 'Ex-es' are who they are for a reason. Seeking closure could be good but on the other hand awakening feelings that lead to nowhere other than the boulevard of heartbreak.
So I just feel little or limited line of communication should exist between parties and everyone should "face front"..... Shikena....c'est fini
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We could go on and on (which we did! lol).. But over to you... What team are you? Team Talk or Team No Talk!!
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Do you have any question? Please do not hesitate to ask!
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Team talk small and keep quiet!
ReplyDeleteNot everything can be explained; not everything will be understood. So, as much as you can will be beautiful...
Meanwhile, I know of a guy that quit his relationship because it was boring, which hurt the girl a lot (but the truth is bitter, right?). So, I want to know if it's good enough a reason to break-up?!
personally i like to keep it moving especially with relationship. all it does is open up wounds, no point looking backwards when we have the future to look forward to.#teamkeepingitmoving
ReplyDelete@Debby, Hmm.. I think that's a fair reason to be honest. The only thing I would add is that he could have talked to her about it and see if they could make it work.. But the thing is that if someone is not interested, anything could be an exit strategy lol
ReplyDelete@Ms Cookie, I get you dear... I think I am being converted to TeamKeepMoving
Hmmm, Ayo...I do believe the past is in the past for a reason but if someone breaks up with you and their reason stands as "it just wasn't working out" then I fully understand if you'd want to get a more descriptive answer than that.
ReplyDeleteThere are things an ex might highlight that they disliked that you might want to work on for your future relationship. Whether you choose to have the talk or not, I do believe that you should take the time for self-reflection and honestly look at the areas you fell short in - there is always room for improvement and you might have picked someone to date that you were not equally yoked with.
Most importantly, let all ill-will and bitterness towards the ex go - it's too toxic of a weight for you to carry and forgiveness is a virtue we all benefit from so we can also find it within ourselves to offer it to an ex.
I agree, there's always room for improvement and it is important to self-reflect to check if there's an area that needs to be developed.. Thanks dear xx
DeleteI am for #teamkeepitmoving.
ReplyDeleteI think I am selfish because I have been the one doing the breaking up therefore have not needed to talk about it. However, before I reach that stage, we'd have been talking to try to make the relationship work. After all is said and done, if actions don't match words, I exit, stage left.
Sometimes when the break up is messy, it may be best to keep it moving so each party can cool down. Once had a messy breakup where an ex tried to malign my name even to my family. I was so hurt. Talking about it wouldn't have helped me understand why someone would intentionally hurt me (despite the fact he was the one who cheated on me). I faced my front and asked God to heal me.
Like Debby says, not everything can be explained. Sometimes all you can do is internally reflect on the relationship and your actions/inactions that may have contributed to its failure. Learn from it and improve in the next relationship.
*nodding* @ Not everything can be explained..
DeleteBut that ex was mean though! I think for something like that, you just keep stepping! No explanations needed, more like thank God you exited the scene!
@ Elizabeth, Like Debby says too, not everything can be explained. Sometimes all you can do is internally reflect on the relationship and your actions/inactions that may have contributed to its failure. Learn from it and improve in the next relationship.
ReplyDeleteVery true.. Learn and move on. That's really important
DeleteIt depends on how the relationship ended. If you are certain of the issues, no need for further questions. If not, then please, go ahead and clarify.
ReplyDeleteI think I am firmly with you Atilols :-)
DeleteI think I would be too curious to let it lie if things ended on a loose end!
Team team talk if the person you want to talk with is mature about it like you too...
ReplyDeleteBut mostly, i'd rather just let things slide.some things shouldnt/cant be explained. Some, we should just let go