I want to get married this year BUT I don't even have a boyfriend.. Is that possible? *thinking*
Ok, so how are you all doing? Great? Great!
Please this message is for the ladies. I have noticed a very distressing thing in Nigeria.. I don't know if it's a new development or I am merely just *waking up* from my slumber hence the coffee smells so strong... *shrugs shoulders*
It has now almost become the norm for married men to have a girl on the side.. Am I right or is it just a figment of my imagination? I would be delighted if I were wrong..
Of course, in situations like this, there are people to be held responsible.. Parties to be blamed, but today I want to appeal to the girl on the side..
It's high time women began to look after one another.. Why would you hurt another woman like yourself in such a way that you know would damage you if put in that position? It baffles me..
I have heard of women who would bend over backwards to be with a married man and even have the effrontery to flaunt it before his wife.
I know many people say that a lot of men cheat (that's debatable) but it takes a willing partner for it to become successful... Have mercy on a woman like yourself and leave HER man alone.. It may not be you, but you have sisters, you have female relatives and someday you may have female children. I tell you the truth, God is clear in His word when He says "whatever a man sows, that will he reap"... There is no doubt about it, you will surely reap.
You cannot expect to add to destroying a woman's home, ruining her family unit and causing such heartbreak for her and the children and then look to have a peaceful life.. No, it wouldn't happen..
Please stop now and let God have mercy..
For some, you may argue that "but I'm not sleeping with him" - Stop calling that married man, stop being his best-friend (that's his wife's duty) and yes even if you feel she's neglecting him, leave them to sort themselves out - stop being his shoulder to cry on, let him cry to God!
Let us learn to look out for one another (guys do it so much better I think).. And when it's your turn, you will enjoy your own home in peace - And God's people say.....
Grow in God, Grow in Love, Be the Best! "In Pursuit of God, In Pursuit of Excellence, Love through Service" God first - Numero Uno! 1plustheone@gmail.com
I have always said and would always say, we women are our own enemies. When people blame a man that cheats, I blame the woman who decided not to think about the effect of her actions on another woman (and her family), a woman who decided not to "protect" another woman. The day we start to protect each other and lay off each other's man (or woman), that day, we would have peace.
ReplyDeleteYour whole argument is incredibly sexist.
ReplyDeleteYou're talking as if the man involved is a baby or a small child that doesn't know what is happening.
IS THE MAN A POT THAT THE WOMAN PICKED HIM UP AND RAN AWAY WITH HIM?
Come on! This whole post is the REAL REASON why women are their own worst enemies.
Because when you see a MARRIED MAN who MADE VOWS WITH HIS OWN MOUTH at his wedding, CHOOSING to break those vows, instead of blaming him head on, you find a way to blame the other woman he is seeing as if she was the one that broke down the door of his house and came to kidnap him.
Until women realise that when a MARRIED or otherwise ENGAGED MAN is UNFAITHFUL it is THE MAN'S FAULT ALONE, we will never progress.
Stop doing what you have been programmed and brainwashed to do by men everywhere and deflecting the blame from men.
Think about it? Who is benefitting from this long post you just wrote blaming women for the infidelity of men?
MEN.
You, a woman are attacking other women when the only party breaking their vows, cheating on their partner or otherwise doing anything wrong is the MAN.
Well done.
And it is not automatically the job of a man's wife to be his best friend.
ReplyDeleteBest friends exist for a reason.
Your husband's best friend MAY NOT BE YOU, and it MAY BE A WOMAN.
You just have to fucking deal with it.
Most people get married to people that they have only known for a few years compared to their other friends.
You married a man after he has known you for four years yet you want him to throw away his best friend that he has known for TWENTY years BECAUSE OF YOU? Just because she is female?
Isn't that the behaviour of a grossly selfish, unkind, and evil person?
Why can't a married man cry on the shoulder of his female best friend? Why?
What is the point of having friends if you can't rely on them?
So because someone is married, their whole social life should grind to a halt and start revolving around their wife like the moon and the earth or something?
Do you have any idea how horrible and incredibly self-centred and self-seeking it sounds?
I disagree with you on the point that a man can have a female bestfriend other than his wife. From the way you sound, you seem to be a man otherwise I would have asked you how you will feel if your husband had a best friend other than you. Also, your comment is based on the current trend in the world. People don't marry their lost ribs anymore but marry for convenience. I hear guys say that a lot. If people actually married their lost ribs trust me even if you date the person for 1month, you will feel the bond right inside you and the person will take the place of someone that has been there for 20yrs. If his best friend is a guy that's fine but a lady? That's a NO! NO! Because someday one thing will lead to the other and so on. So pls...on the issue of who is to blame for men cheating, I think its 50:50 for both men and women.
Delete@Deronk, thanks for your comment... I agree with you that women should learn to protect and stand for one another but then I will address my stance with Sugarbelly's comment..
ReplyDelete@Sugarbelly, thanks a lot for your comments. I do realise that the topic at hand is a very sensitive and emotive one. I understand some of the points you have raised in your argument.
If you have read any of my previous posts, you may be able to infer that I would never absolve men of the responsibility of being faithful in marriage ..
Just like you, I feel very strongly that men are primarily responsible for their actions, especially in marriage or a committed relationship and are to be held responsible for the vows they make to their wives and most often before God..
I would like to draw your attention to this paragraph in the article "Of course, in situations like this, there are people to be held responsible.. Parties to be blamed, but TODAY I want to appeal to the girl on the side.."
Your comments address the article of one written by someone who lays the blame of unfaithfulness wholly at the doorstep of the woman.... As that is COMPLETELY false, I doubt if I would be able to fully make an appropriate response to your comments.
However, I would like to respectfully disagree when you say that "...When a married or otherwise engaged man is unfaithful, it is the man's fault ALONE"....
Yes, from his other half's perspective, he is the one who is accountable to her! He is the one who betrayed her trust, however I would make the argument that if as a woman, you know that he is married and you go ahead irrespective, you have also done a disservice to yourself, to him and to his wife and children whom you have never met.. (I don't see how that absolves the man of responsibility)..
Also, while I agree with you that a man's best friend doesn't necessarily have to be his wife, I must say that I am yet to meet a woman who would prefer for another woman to be her husband's best friend (well I wouldn't!)
ReplyDeleteI don't know about you, but in my ideal world, I would like to be his best friend, confidant, biggest cheerleader and lover. This will by no means exclude him from having other very close friends and confidants..
You see, I am an extrovert myself and I would hate to be stifled by marriage but I would love to come back home to my best friend and share the day's 'gist' - both random and important - with him..
There's always a danger associated with men or women who have the opposite sex as best friends.. Experience has shown that more often than not, emotions are developed and it only takes a weak moment for things to go pear shaped..
I have actually previously asked the question "Can guys and girls just be friends?".... If you and your spouse are able to successfully manage that relationship, then it works for you but to be honest, I am yet to see one that works out long term (except when the best friend is a relative). xx
I wanted to say some of what Sugabelly did, but she already did that and more. Your answers are well taken, but bottom line, the man is at fault and should pack the blame, if not 100% then 99%.
ReplyDeleteUnless one can prove to me that a particular woman went out of her way to seduce a man, date him long term, flaunt herself before his wife, and then force him at gunpoint to neglect abuse or divorce her, then I stand by my 99%. Men are not stupid, they are know what they want, and in this chauvnistic world, it is disingenuous to argue that mistreses made them do what they did not want to do. Na Jazz?
I think I'll write a post about this :)
I think it's almost ridiculously ambitious to want or to expect to be the best friend of a person you have known for at most just a few years.
ReplyDeleteUnless friendship didn't mean anything to the man in the first place, I see no reason on Earth why his wife should suddenly become his best friend when he already has an actual best friend that probably went through things with him that you could never even dream about in your worst nightmares.
In fact, it's quite rude.
It's like saying that your four year relationship with him suddenly means more than a possibly ten or more year relationship of solid, rock hard, ride or die friendship just because he really really really likes fucking you.
Because at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. You're his very good friend that he really really really likes fucking and maybe for lots of other reasons like how your look or how well you cohabit the same space together, your future professional prospects, your future genetic prospects for decent healthy progeny, he has decided that living with you and (hopefully) continuing to fuck only you for the rest of his life might not be so bad.
I mean, it's all important.
After all, love causes wars, makes people commit suicide and it's what a lot of us bloggers write long tear jerking posts about more often than not, so I'm not putting down the husband/wife relationship but I find the expectation of destroying or usurping a genuine friendship JUST BECAUSE you married someone to be arrogant and malicious to an exceptional degree..
@sugarbelly,there is a special bond btwn a man and his wife that should make them best friends regardless of friends he/she has known for years. There are things u tell ur spouse that u won't tell ur mother. Its a life time commitement. If that rapport is not there from the onset, as time goes by and the feelings fade then u have nothing to fall back on. That's why u hear from couples who have being married for years say he/she is my best friend. If u can't be best friends different from everyother best friends, I don't know it probably will be more difficult.
Delete@sugarbelly,there is a special bond btwn a man and his wife that should make them best friends regardless of friends he/she has known for years. There are things u tell ur spouse that u won't tell ur mother. Its a life time commitement. If that rapport is not there from the onset, as time goes by and the feelings fade then u have nothing to fall back on. That's why u hear from couples who have being married for years say he/she is my best friend. If u can't be best friends different from everyother best friends, I don't know it probably will be more difficult.
DeleteSome people just like to attack for no reason. Immaturity at its best. I completely agree with everything you have said. Like you said there are people to be held responsible and today you are focusing on the women. It is a common practice for many single women to chase after married men. In Nigeria we all see it done openly. Yes the man is wrong but it takes two. Yes the wife issue should be with the husband but it doesn't excuse the other party involved which in many cases are people close to the couple. It is high time in Nigeria that women start looking out for each other instead of bringing their mates down. Loyalty is rare to find among friends in Nigeria. If a man had a female best friend before marriage the wife would have most likely made peace with that before accepting the proposal. Its the females who start coming unto a man in the name of friend yet they are plotting a way to break the union. Yes a man who goes cheats on his wife is to be held responsible by his spouse but the woman who accepted his advances knowing he is married isn't BLAMELESS!
ReplyDeletefirst of all one plus the one, thank you very much for this post. I 1.000.0000.000% agree with everything you've written in this article. If it was possible to agree anymore i would! :)
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to address some of the issues that have been brought up by these comments...
I think primarily this boils down especially from a christian point of view to love. You clearly stated in the article and in the responses to the comments that you are in no way absolving men of their responsibility in cheating. I think it's one of the most selfish, irresponsible, hurtful things a man(or woman) can do to the spouse they are married to. There is never an excuse for cheating...
Having said this, it'll be all well and good to put a 100% of the blame on the cheating person, but sadly, realistically and biblically this is not true.
I agree that the woman who the husband is cheating with may claim to have no responsibility to the wife of the person she's having an affair with because after all she's not in a relationship with her and owes her nothing....
this is why the bible clearly states, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR AS YOURSELF, DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WANT THEM TO DO TO YOU...
people who are not christians may not understand or agree with this statement, but to be honest you don't have to be a christian to be empathetic/morally upright/or just simply have a decent heart! Put yourself in the wife's shoes. As you've said no one would like to be that person who is being cheated on, you wouldn't wish it on family or friends. The tempter (girl who is cheating with the husband) and the tempted (the husband) are both guilty and will both face the consequences of their action
I love what you said about you reap what you sow.
As a woman and a christian, I hope and i'm determined never to be in a position where i'm responsible because of my lusts and selfishness for breaking another's home.
And just to add, there is no reason to be vulgar, we can all share our comments without swearing.
One plus the one thank you for your posts! I am continuously blessed by them and LOVE reading them!
God bless you! Xxxx
I WANT TO BE MY HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND!!! We are married and I hope to be married for a loooooong time!!!
ReplyDeleteMarriage can in no way be compared to ANY relationship whatsoever, whether pre or post marriage.
I'd go as far as to say that even relationships with parents become secondary to a marriage relationship
it is the only covenant relationship second to our covenant relationship with God when we become born-again.
it is not to be taken lightly.
wanting to be my partner's best friend is not ambitious. marriage does not simply boil down to sex (for those relationships where it does, it barely lasts days!!), not based on physical attraction.
It takes a wise, mature couple to be best friends with one another
without mincing words, EVERY OTHER earthly relationship becomes a distant second to marriage once you're married!
Sugabelly,u need to calm d fuck down..i was wit u all thru your 1st comment and i agreed wit you until the 2nd part wen u started talking about friendship and marriage...u are wrong and u sound bitter.
ReplyDeleteand why do u ALWAYS feel d need to pass across your opinion in a rude/aggressive manner? sheesh i see why u never feel worthy lyk u wrote in ur last post..not trying to be insensitive here but it is what it is.
A guy choosing to marry a girl isnt bcos "he really really really likes fucking her". Yes sex is one of d reasons men want to settle down but it isn't the MOST IMPORTANT like you are making it seem.GET HELP
Thanks everyone for taking out time to comment..
ReplyDeleteWithout doubt, people have different opinions about a cheating spouse. Please let me reiterate my stance for avoidance of doubt and based on my faith as a Christian.
1. A man is fully responsible and accountable to God and then to his wife.
2. A marriage covenant is made between one man and one woman - excluding every other person
3. When either party is unfaithful, he / she has betrayed that covenant and trust
4. The bible says it is good for a man to 'possess' his vessel', therefore certainly he has to take responsibility when he is unfaithful (same as a woman)
5. My post was not aimed at absolving men of this responsibility, not at all.
6. However, if you read my blog heading it states as part of what the blog is about (girl to girl) and I do believe very much that as woman we have the right to say NO to a married man - it may not stop him from going on to the next available person but YOU have done the right thing.
7. A woman who knows that her partner is married and still carries on regardless is selfish and wicked... (why would you do to someone else what you would never want to be done to you)
8. And AGAIN I say, this does not absolve the man of taking responsibility for his actions..
PS thanks Funke, Blessed906 and anonymous, I do appreciate your feedback.
PPS Could we kindly pleasseeee address others on this blog respectfully and use respectful language. If not, I may have to delete your comment.
Thanks lovely people! God bless you xxxx
@ MyneWhitman, as always, I look forward to your post :-) xx
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous 2:00 - I love your analogy of friendship in marriage, thanks
God's blessings xxxx
Thanks for your comment bjfamak.. I appreciate your emphasis that being your husband's best friend and vice versa is healthy for your marriage. xx
ReplyDeleteIf we read her post, she said..we are focusing on the other woman today. Secondly, I am a single man but I always suspect women that get all bothered about a man "dropping" his female best friend. SugarB, I read your blog often and you tell us a bit about yourself so I can safely say you are not married. If you do get married, you will realize that your husband should be your best friend. I take your comment as coming from someone who might be the close or "best" friend of a married man(SN I also expect you to reply scathingly to this comment). Either way, your description of a wife being the woman a man decided he wants to "do" for the rest of his life says a lot about how you see the place of a wife. My wife, no matter how long we have known each other will be my closest friend. This is the person I am building a life with, having children with and hope to die with; I plan to be her closest ally.
ReplyDelete1+ The One, a Cheat takes 100% blame in my book and ladies please know, men are disciplined enough not to cheat, we are given too much leeway and some of us are just plain selfish. There are many Nigerian men that are not cheats, I have a great circle of brothers who take marriage seriously and despite temptation, respect their wives.
OMG!! I love you already!!!
DeleteIts sooooo rare to see or hear sane respectful and God-fearing men nowwadays!!
God bless you :-)
Thank you so much for your comment! I am really grateful for a man's perspective in addition to all who have kindly commented.
ReplyDeleteI am even more glad (and relieved, lol) to read that a man has the self-discipline to keep from cheating) and that you can testify that you know such men :-D
God bless you xx
Sugabelly spoke the truth but its obvious she missed this part:
ReplyDelete"...in situations like this, there are people to be held responsible.. Parties to be blamed, but TODAY I want to appeal to the girl on the side..""
Cos if she didn't she would have gone soft.
"It's like saying that your four year relationship with him suddenly means more than a possibly ten or more year relationship of solid, rock hard, ride or die friendship just because he really really really likes fucking you."
Damn...lols. Best part of this page.
Thanks a lot Mz_dewunmi! So lovely to have you visit the blog and comment :-).. The thing is the kind of man that you describe is not rare at all, it's just that unfortunately they are not 'celebrated' enough but there are many good God men and I know a few :-) xx
ReplyDelete@Trae_z, thanks for your comment, hope you'll visit again :-D xx
One thing I believe in bfr making a comment is reading a post well and wen doing so, read between the lines so that you don't misintepret or put words into the author's mouth...
ReplyDeleteI get ur stance dear and I'm with u completely..u stated it there the women's aspect shd be attacked and I get u
It takes two to tango and both are guilty of cheating in d eyes of God. A man dt will cheat will cheat...no matter all u do, bt if he doesn't find a woman to cheat wit, wnt he find his square root?!!
Its just like d devil who goes abt looking fr whom to devour...he sees an idle mind and he takes a sit and begins work...those who re watchful and prayerful that can overcome such preying activity
Just like Judas, the bible illustrates that yes, it is appointed for the son of man to be killed bt woe to dt person thru whom he would be killed...
Ppl say stuffs to defend their deeds and I tell them the truth....yes, if a man is lustful or sleeps arnd, he's at fault...he's bound to lust after everything, bt should you now be the object of his desire by Wearing things that will fan up his lust?!!!
You dress decently as a woman so dt u dnt end up being judged by ur creator that u participated or provoked his lust!!!period
I like to put myself in ppl's shoes sometimes and ask if I was d one, how would I feel abt it
As fr d marriage pà rt, its sad just few ppl understand wat bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh means....u dnt just marry a man fr d sake of!!!!u marry ur bestfriend, ur companion cos wen d going gets tough and wen u two grow old together, u can talk abt old times
It is impossible, and I repeat, impossible fr a marriage to go on well wit a female frnd WHom he tells éverything to óutsyd marriage. If She annoys him, he'll talk abt it to d oda lady instd of sitting his wife down so dt dy can resolve d issue and move on. he's too exhausted to come home and he decides since he has a bestfriend lady, he can crash in her house! Duuh!!!this is not Ross and Rachel in the Friends series. Even in that,see wat happened
K...imagine urself as a woman who is married and who Has a guy as her best frìénd. He's ur friend and so u can text him at night no biggie. U can even crash in his place wit ur hubby and kids @home no problem. Both of u can go out fr lunch and dinner while hubby is excluded or hé cud be invited if its ok. Hubby and u have a misunderstanding and u run to ur guyfriend to tell him everything
Do I need to say more?definitely not as its obvious dt marriage is going fr a skydive!!
Marriage isn't all abt sex as some think it is and have stated so..its all abt a covenant and a decision to stick wit ur partner, be his bestie and be der to understand him wen he needs someone to
Once there's a third party involved, it gets bad. pretty bad
Replace d skydive with downward spiral pls**
ReplyDeleteTanx
Late to this party. Came here from Myne Whitman's blog.
ReplyDeleteI didn't agree with Myne in her post, and I'm shocked at SugaB's bitterness. All I have to say to SugaB is......give it a few years, if Christ tarries, and God keeps us all, you get married and your hubby carries on as usual with the female bestie he had before he met you. Let's hear what you'll say then. It's so easy to talk the talk when you haven't walked the walk!
Besides, what's 10years of friendship to 60 years of solid, rock hard, ride or die trying marriage?!
Late to this party. Came here from Myne Whitman's blog.
ReplyDeleteI didn't agree with Myne in her post, and I'm shocked at SugaB's bitterness. All I have to say to SugaB is......give it a few years, if Christ tarries, and God keeps us all, you get married and your hubby carries on as usual with the female bestie he had before he met you. Let's hear what you'll say then. It's so easy to talk the talk when you haven't walked the walk!
Besides, what's 10years of friendship to 60 years of solid, rock hard, ride or die trying marriage?!
Thanks a lot for your comment Sugarspring.. I also believe that as both parties have a responsibility to each other. The bible says if your right eye will cause your brother to stumble then pluck it out..
ReplyDelete@Anonymous, thanks for your comment.. 60yrs! That's a love and friendship worth investing in and forsaking all others :-) xx
Said it before and i will say it again. before a man and a woman can be best friends, it has to be established that they cannot have sex with each other, if that has not been established then... *clears throat*
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, this whole cheating thing is like asking who is to blame between drug dealers and people that use drugs.
If a married man comes to you and wants to sleep with you, you have the option of saying no and unless he is a rapist, he will move on. He told you he was married, he told you he wants to have something to do with you. yes he is a cheat and a retard, but then you agreeing to it, makes you just as willing.
That aside... 1+D1, we all know that many people out there are selfish and nobody really cares about anybody else, whether man or woman.
Said it before and i will say it again. before a man and a woman can be best friends, it has to be established that they cannot have sex with each other, if that has not been established then... *clears throat*
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, this whole cheating thing is like asking who is to blame between drug dealers and people that use drugs.
If a married man comes to you and wants to sleep with you, you have the option of saying no and unless he is a rapist, he will move on. He told you he was married, he told you he wants to have something to do with you. yes he is a cheat and a retard, but then you agreeing to it, makes you just as willing.
That aside... 1+D1, we all know that many people out there are selfish and nobody really cares about anybody else, whether man or woman.
@SNM! Always nice to read your opinion lol..
ReplyDeleteI agree with you totally! Well except for the last paragraph and a bit of your first sentence lol
Nice post thank you Kevin
ReplyDelete